important shit

Friday, 23 August 2013

Day 435 Menace to Society

This Young kid asked me if I had a cellphone that he could use. This was at night time while I was cutting through a park while walking my dog.  I had just  heard the kid/maybe teenager if his friend had a lighter…I was thinking to myself that they were going to smoke a joint…as this was something I use to do and just the general impression I got from the kids who were kind of loitering in the park after in the dark.  I said sorry to the kid as I pulled out my phone and was about to make a phone call.  I thought to myself…I don’t want to lose my cell phone cuz this kid runs off with it…I don’t want to have to chase this kid down because he tries to steal my phone…after I said sorry I felt pretty bad…like I had free minutes and I could have potentially helped this kid out…like maybe he really needed some help…and I thought after how I could of said that I’d make the call and put it on speaker phone for him or something…inform him that I’m concerned that he might try and run off with my phone.

Why is it that I thought that this kid might run off with my phone? Well, it’s something that I've done before…and I've done other similar brutal things…and I’, ashamed for having been so disrespectful to myself and others as like having participated in countless acts where I did not consider myself and others as Life equals both being here without conflict/friction…it’s like so much so the attitude perception I had a kid/teenager/young adult has been that it’s all about me…I got to do whatever I can for me…and taking care of me the way I want to be taken care of may come at the expense of others…as I really didn't consider others to much…it’s like I would be nice to others most of the time…though it was easy for me to not be nice to someone if I didn't know them per se…as like it was a justification/excuse that I could act in inappropriate ways and disregard common courtesy etiquette as like the teachings of Jesus as love thy neighbor as thy self.

 I see how I rationalized, logically manipulating both sides of the same coin with regards to exploiting/taking advantage of others around me, whether it be people I know very well or people I don’t really know at all…it’s like my perception attitude was that of opportunity to feed and fulfill desired self-interests…as like how I could utilise another being for my service…or how I could capitalize on the service of another…as like getting something without giving anything...and I see the point that throughout time…I became totally oblivious to the actuality of my actions and the consequences of my actions…like I can recall many instances of automated negligent behaviour…and I can recall looking back at particular instances and being like what the fuck was I doing…why did I even do that…I didn't even realise what the fuck I was doing…it’s like in no way was I moving within a point of stability…but in an energetic hypnotic trance fueled by the desire to feed addiction to doing and getting what I feel like…as my actions were always based on feelings…like chasing after the win…or trying to maintain the winning experience of getting my way as a result of being a menace to society.

It’s interesting that I say menace to society…because I own that movie…and it’s one that I picked up as a teenager or maybe my early twenties…though there is many other similar movies that I fersure watched in my teenage years that I see now played an influence on me being a shit disturber. A movie that sticks out is ‘dazed and confused’

To be continued

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