This Young kid asked me if I had a cellphone that he could
use. This was at night time while I was cutting through a park while walking my
dog. I had just heard the kid/maybe teenager if his friend
had a lighter…I was thinking to myself that they were going to smoke a joint…as
this was something I use to do and just the general impression I got from the
kids who were kind of loitering in the park after in the dark. I said sorry to the kid as I pulled out my
phone and was about to make a phone call.
I thought to myself…I don’t want to lose my cell phone cuz this kid runs
off with it…I don’t want to have to chase this kid down because he tries to
steal my phone…after I said sorry I felt pretty bad…like I had free minutes and
I could have potentially helped this kid out…like maybe he really needed some
help…and I thought after how I could of said that I’d make the call and put it
on speaker phone for him or something…inform him that I’m concerned that he
might try and run off with my phone.
Why is it that I thought that this kid might run off with my
phone? Well, it’s something that I've done before…and I've done other similar
brutal things…and I’, ashamed for having been so disrespectful to myself and
others as like having participated in countless acts where I did not consider
myself and others as Life equals both being here without conflict/friction…it’s
like so much so the attitude perception I had a kid/teenager/young adult has
been that it’s all about me…I got to do whatever I can for me…and taking care
of me the way I want to be taken care of may come at the expense of others…as I
really didn't consider others to much…it’s like I would be nice to others most
of the time…though it was easy for me to not be nice to someone if I didn't know
them per se…as like it was a justification/excuse that I could act in
inappropriate ways and disregard common courtesy etiquette as like the
teachings of Jesus as love thy neighbor as thy self.
I see how I
rationalized, logically manipulating both sides of the same coin with regards
to exploiting/taking advantage of others around me, whether it be people I know
very well or people I don’t really know at all…it’s like my perception attitude
was that of opportunity to feed and fulfill desired self-interests…as like how
I could utilise another being for my service…or how I could capitalize on the
service of another…as like getting something without giving anything...and I
see the point that throughout time…I became totally oblivious to the actuality
of my actions and the consequences of my actions…like I can recall many
instances of automated negligent behaviour…and I can recall looking back at
particular instances and being like what the fuck was I doing…why did I even do
that…I didn't even realise what the fuck I was doing…it’s like in no way was I
moving within a point of stability…but in an energetic hypnotic trance fueled
by the desire to feed addiction to doing and getting what I feel like…as my
actions were always based on feelings…like chasing after the win…or trying to
maintain the winning experience of getting my way as a result of being a menace
to society.
It’s interesting that I say menace to society…because I own
that movie…and it’s one that I picked up as a teenager or maybe my early twenties…though
there is many other similar movies that I fersure watched in my teenage years
that I see now played an influence on me being a shit disturber. A movie that
sticks out is ‘dazed and confused’
To be continued
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