important shit

Saturday 14 December 2013

Day 534 Why Do I Resist Doing Things?




I noticed how there is a tendency within myself to resist doing things sometimes…like I create a judgement and comparison preference towards participating or not participating within particular things/opportunities…like there’s this heaviness energy within myself…where I believe that participating in particular things brings my self-interest into question/jeopardy. Like, I will think of things that produce or keep me in alignment with a particular energetic state. For example with the heaviness experience, it’s like in particular instances it’s as though I would rather not commit to anything…that by not committing to particular engagements I believe I will have more free time…like more time to indulge myself within self-interested pursuits of entertainment. I see how sometimes I create judgements towards moving myself…like wanting to remain within a point of laziness…like the laziness energy is this heaviness…and remaining within that experience requires no physical effort what so ever.  And it’s really quite bizarre because once I commit myself to participating within particular things where I have resistance to doing so, I actually quite enjoy myself within self-expression while participating within particular things/activities.
I think this laziness energy and resistance to doing things is related to me within the years where I smoked copious amounts of marijuana where I often turned down events/activities/opportunities because I preferred to just sit around and get high…like making commitments to doing things seemed like a lot of effort that I wasn't really that interested in.

I realize and understand I exist within a physical reality where participation and movement is required.

I see me having resistance sometimes to participating within social interactions and gatherings, like I would prefer to just remain by myself and do my own thing. Though again this is interesting because I do enjoy engaging/communicating/sharing self-expression with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding onto this laziness/heavy energetic experience within myself where I prefer to remain within this heaviness lethargic state as opposed to moving myself into physical participation with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for preferring to be by myself as opposed to being with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating conflict towards being by myself and being with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for neglecting social opportunities of activity and relationship out of preference to being by myself within entertainment indulgences of self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself for taking the time to spend time by myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling conflicted at times for wanting to take the time for myself when I see and realize that many of my peers do not take the time for themselves within self-investigation pursuits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how there was a time when I never really wanted to be by myself and always existing within socializing experiences of entertainment out of like the fear of being/spending time by myself without the companionship of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having difficulty within finding the perfect balance between social interactions and private time to/for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for flip flopping within extremes of always socializing and isolation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself for isolating myself sometimes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for defining isolation as negative.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how I have often focused socializing upon self-interested pursuits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting socializing if I do not see any particular benefits/rewards/self-interested pursuits within socializing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and feel guilty when I do not see any practical support/benefit/reward/self-interested pursuits within socializing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating judgement within myself to saying no to particular social interactions....like believing that I should always say yes when offered to participate within social activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for compromising self-responsibilities within fearing to say no sometimes to participating within social activities with peers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for giving social activities precedence of self-responsibilities/obligations.

When and as I see myself judging whether or not to socialize with others from within the starting point of self-interest, I stop and breathe, I realize and understand the suppressing myself expression within socializing within the point of self-righteous self-interest is not practical self-support.


To be Continued

2 comments:

  1. Thanks, I noticed the same points within myself. Have your ever asked yourself how could one effectively identify when one's socializing is best for all and when not? What I see is that one should only socialize with those whose intention is self-support and doing what is best for all, but is this always practical? Do you have any guide/principle that you follow?

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  2. Thanks for Your Support Blaz. I've come to realize and understand that my starting point is the integral part in being able to determine whether my socializing is best for all or not...as it is who I am within my particpations. I find that things get complicated when I judge the intentions of others within socialization, I find it to be more practical to focus on who I am within socializing, because within this approach it's not so much about the intentions of those I am socializing with, but who and how I am within speaking/socializing. In taking this approach I become the example/solution I wish to see in the world. I see and realize everyone to be a teacher....and within this approach I am able to learn always all ways. Bernard wrote a document that is within the desteni articles that was titled something like, "george bush the greatest teacher"....the point being that everyone is an example and it is within our self-honesty that were able to discern and realize what is cool and what is not cool. I noticed I had much difficulty in socializing for sometime because of the exstensive self-righteous judgement I carried within myself....and what is interesting about this is that in a way I feared interacting with many others because I was hiding from the shame and nastiness that has been accepted and allowed to exist within myself. What's also interesting about this point is that socializing is quite cool because it is through interactions that our shit comes up within ourselves unexpectedly and we have the opportunities to gift ourselves with changing the inherent nature of our accepted and allowed deceit/spite. It's easy to control and regulate spite and self-deception when we accept and allow ourselves to judge others and their intentions because within this it is easy to align ourselves to only interact with people who have the same frame of mind as our ego's. I utilize resistance as a Life road map...where I explore/go into the resistance as a way of walking into the face of fear as what I resist doing...because I see and realize what we resist persists and often enough where there is resistance towards a particular engagement/activity/interaction, there is a point of self-expansion available as an opportunity to be opened up.

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