Day 794 - FaceOff "JUSTIFICATION"

I've been facing the characters of myself as how I have conditioned myself to respond in a plethora of scenarios.  What's interesting to see is myself as the array of characters and also to within various forms of interactions/engagements where sometimes i have a particular resistance towards a certain type of character and it's like i want to move on and away from that character as quickly as possible because I see something in them that I don't like.

Lets look at this point of seeing something in another person that i don't like.

The things i see in other people at times are ugly, undesirable, awkward, overcompensation, fake, fucked, bullshit, superiority, inferiority, volatile, scripted, Routine, justification and excuses.

These are all points of myself that i am working through.

for practical purposes here: I am going to take one word:

JUSTIFICATION


I've been getting so angry when reading and speaking with others and Justification comes up.  Like this up sets me very much. The irony of this is it is showing a deeply embedded point within me.

What I have noticed about myself within and as my day to day living as JUSTIFICATION, is that it has been a point of self-suppression, a form of accepted and allowed defense system that I use as a form of Offense and Attack on myself that is projected outward onto others to compensate with a form of suppression/depression existent within myself.

Let me further clarify:

Justification has been used by me as a sort of Self-narration to Explain myself to others my Point of View as in why I am Right within my Living as the decisions I am making and have made.  Justification is the Excuses I create as the ways to validate Inferiority within myself as Accepting less than my Best Potential.

I've been using Justification as a form of aggressive Offense where I would instantly go into an automated reactionary response where I experience the urgency to Explain myself and my actions to others.  Fucked up in a lot of ways, because what this reveals upon further investigation is how I am manipulating myself in participation through others.  Meaning, I use my participations with others to validate my behavior and pattern where i superimpose a sort of Validating and Accepting response/reaction in others the way i position my sharing of information as JUSTIFICATION.

SEE:

Justification has been my way to say, " Just If I see a Tie On".  Meaning also: Just if  I/Me/You can see the connection I am making here and accept it as the terms of the Contract I am presenting here as my word scheme as my Pyramid layered self-deception.

Vulnerability has been a support word for me in going deeper into investigating JUSTIFICATION within myself.

Vulnerability is cool because I within and as Vulnerability I am strong in standing in and as Weakness.  I move past my dissonance and stand as the point of accounting for my acceptances and allowances that are not cool.

The experiences I encounter within and as my vulnerability are very challenging at times as there is often a certain amount of intensity that comes up and that has manifested in a myriad of ways in my body in various moments...and so I've made a sort of game and challenge for myself in being my own DETECTIVE in making a play and work of Identifying the Specifics of the experience that surfaces and comes up within myself.  What is very fascinating about this detective process of self-investigation for me is that my behavior and patterns are Learned over time, Layered within and as Specific Memories of past acceptances and allowances. So much fun and excitement in a way of creating the path of self-discovery with going into the seemingly Unknown of myself.  Unknown from the point of not realizing and understanding how exactly i self-sabotaged, self-suppressed myself in the first place!

This process of self-exploration as taking on the staring point responsibility here as an Existential Detective has been a journey and an adventure for each and everyone.  My ability to relate and share and teach and learn has improved immensely.  The quality of my life is a continued improvement because I Keep letting go of baggage that is unnecessary to hold onto as impressions of suppression as the points and moments in memory as Not Understanding and Realizing myself here as Life, One and Equal.

I enjoy learning so much.

I encourage each and everyone to dare to go deep within and as your participation's with others and the activities you participate within alone...and really see what you think about others and the activities you participate within ,,,and really get to know your weaknesses, you know, The Justifications.....the Just if I see a Tie On.

Remember:

Justification in and of itself can be a cool tool to see where we work to create explanation in our actions...and actually understanding the nature of justification as why we are wanting to manipulate our information in a particular way.

Do we see how Manipulation is Complimentary in action to Justification?

Day 790 - Addiction

What Do You Know About Addiction?

Addiction:

Addition of Diction. Diction is the choice and use of words. Notice with any Addiction there is a specific Affinity about a particular Action. Within the Action which is a form of participation, there is a specific choice and use of words...about the particulars within and which make up the activity.

What makes Addiction difficult to Stop?

Not realizing the specific definitions giving to the experience that results from feeding the addiction.

See: The definitions of the experience is within our words and our emotions and feelings.

The way the relationship is fuelled is from a starting point of Internal Conflict. The Addiction, meaning the action and participation within a certain type of behaviour, is perpetuated by having created a Need to get this Fix. “A need to get this Fix”.

How an Addiction becomes Itself in reality?

Repetition. Repeating the same actions over and over within oneself to generate a very specific Experience. Scientifically, it is a form of Suppression and Depression.

Why is Addiction a form of Suppression and Depression?

Because the Life-force of the body is being hosted by the mind relationship to get an Experience. Specifically, Chemically...it is a form of self-created custom designed Ecstasy Heroin, which is completely individualized as your preferred High.

Why is Stopping Difficult?

Not understanding How. What do I mean by that? How to actually give yourself permission to do what you want. See: when your relationship towards moving and doing things is from the starting point of Addiction....being compelled from an experience within yourself....you just do it without any effort....because you are motivated unconsciously to chase that feeling.

Judgement. Stop the Judgement. Judging yourself within your addiction just perpetuates the build up.....build up, meaning the energy friction conflict within yourself that has become dependent on getting this fix.....this fix being a very specific experienc.

Notice this dimension: “getting a fix”

Deep Deep down within yourself is the acceptance and allowance of yourself as 'Just Not Good Enough', 'Inadequate', 'Inferiority', 'Anger', 'Frustration' and 'Irritation'. (there may also be other specific words deep down....but these are core words that fuel this self-created problem)

Someone who recognizes they have an addiction is usually somewhat aware of these core points mentioned above.

However what is difficult to do...and is often missed and over looked is the flip side of the coin. Meaning all the positive experiences inside yourself. The energetic Highs. Positive energy. See: It is actually this desire to get a High...whether the High experience comes in the Form of an Upper or Downer or Trip-Out experience is irrelevant. It's a specific individualized self-created custom high experience.

How to Take Care of Yourself in Stopping Your Addiction?

It's a matter of getting a divorce. A divorce, meaning, putting a stop to the agreement that's been created about the Addiction.

See it's all in the words.

Start with writing about How much You Love the Addiction. Why you Started Doing it. Your experience right now, may be experienced more Like Hate....that you Hate the Addiction....But if you self-honestly look back to when you started, You Loved It!

So, No judgment.

Write out what you love/loved about it.

Take your time, Go into it. Make Notes.

From Here, You start understanding the relationship you have created....that in it's very nature it's extremely charged. See the real test of character....self-honesty here is the willingness to go into the Positive....what you like about it.....because, it's easy to want to sort of Hide and Deceive and Delude and Justify with words.

Understand that many people look for reasons outside of themselves as to how they can stop. It's interesting, because this can be effective....but it isn't the recommended way to go....because you go further into Inferiority inside yourself through self-projected Superiority....you know, being a Hero, or a Martyr...A real “Good Person”. And the fascinating thing, is that people will recognize you as that point.....so now it's like you've just transmutated the addiction into another channel/avenue to continue feeding the fix experience. Ironically enough....it's like even more secret...and less obvious to even yourself....because the point is now further layered into you.

So,

The way out of the addiction is a matter of Word Regard. Go all the way within opening up the Good and the Bad. In doing this, One can remove the HYPE...the energetic build up....See it's a Balance of the Good and the Bad....The positive energy and the negative energy.

Day 788 - Attitude

The Tune of where You are at.  It's like a status update. Attitude in it's fullest sense is a complete range of expressions....from high to low in octave...or the other way round....or any other which way for that matter.  From pleasant to scary to everything else in between.

The Gratitude of Attitude is to live Great your Attitude.  What does this in fact mean?  It means simply,  to own it.....because guess what, You are It.  Tag, each is always it....whether you like it or not.  And in the recognition of realizing that sometimes you will not like things, it is more than OK to express that disgust in a moment.  In fact it is a reality check into one's own self-honesty....a genuine point of self-intimacy.

A point of attention here is the culture of minimizing and perpetuating conflict....where it's like people love to hate conflict...yet perpetuate conflict as a means of trying to minimize it....as like,  'just let me drop the last bomb and then I'll stop'.  So much so this has become the narrative within our Words to each other, as so much so, This is a reflection of our inner narrative expressed externally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take Conflict personally as an act of War where I either go into Defense or Offense.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to marginalize Attitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard myself as Attitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within and as a Positive Attitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist a Negative Attitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my Best Words as a result of being possessed within and as a Positive Attitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear a Bad Attitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a Bad Attitude personally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Separate myself from the totality of Attitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control my Attitude...and to Fear my Attitude getting out of control if I let go of Control over my Attitude.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Inferiorize myself within Control of Myself.

Let's Look at that last sentence here again:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inferiorize myself within Control of Myself.

How am  I controlling myself....my attitude? Fear.  
How So? Conditioning my attitude to my wants based upon my desires which are rooted in the fact that I have knots within myself...as the things i don't want to experience as myself here...and so enter in the attitude and overall nature of Control.

I see Attitude as like the Weather, our Expression through our body from moment to moment as Our Stand here.  It is a point of Self-Confidence and Individuality. Someone who is a Self-Confident Individual, does not fear the Expression of themselves here.  This is where the enjoyment in sharing comes in.  I mean really have a look at what prevents the living of Attitude.  It is the Fear in and as Vulnerability.  Why?  Because you are exposed completely. Who, how and what you are in a moment is Here.  It is the Judgement we have conditioned to our Structured Sentencing that Fucks Ourselves into Oblivion, Because our Words have been abused like Codes we haven't taken the time to fully understand or realize.  Consequently resulting in and perpetuating our own Bullshit and a Greater World of Bullshit.  How can this Be?  It's because of our capacity to be Deceptive. We've dressed up and hidden our own Bullshit to such an extent that we Gloss over it and Misinterpret Ourselves and Others as a Result of Our Own Hiding and Fearing the Brutality of our very worst Disguise. Ironically, here lies the Design of Demise.

Day 782 - Learning - Relationship Awareness

 



Some cool Insights here:

It is possible to get tremendous insight from someone who is not well versed in the technical mechanics and advanced vocabulary of a subject you are well versed and studied within. Here exists a tremendous opportunity that is often over looked, in favor or 'professional' opinion.   See, everyone has a natural learning ability and has the grounding basis of common sense reasoning with them.  You know, the point of "keep it simple".

I had a first hand experience with opening up and regarding the input of others who i may have previously disregarded because they didn't fit the 'pro' status and necessary accreditation i've been conditioned and accustomed to seeking out as a point of Authority to validate and reason about a sense of clarity within myself.   Ironically, the waters within myself as the information about the particulars of a point often become more muddied within seeking out the info from the 'pro'.

Note: my example i am going into here, is in specific relationship to golf....however it can be reflected and regarded in many different relationships and activities. Note, I am not dismissing the practical support in seeking a professionals opinion in whatever field you are investigating.  I am moreover, bringing awareness to the 'flip side' of the same coin....the support of the 'amateur'.

So for instance, with Golf as an example here:  It is a common thing to get one's own swing rather discombobulated within the process of "trying/wanting to fix it".  The irony and kicker here is of course, not realizing and understanding the mechanics of one's patterned conditioned behavior. The awareness of one's movement. Meaning, the input and the output.  When I accept and allow myself to do this, the resulting outflow is this. When you understand how to do something, you can also, equally understand how to do something else.  However it can be extremely frustrating, and massively irritating when You do not take the time to understand what you are doing (accepting and allowing)....but at the same time you have defined it as a problem/bad/wrong....and you want to fix/correct it.  See, how can you correct something that you don't know what it is? Funny isn't it?  Here we have the frame work into structuring our plans/goals/wants/desires. The Creation recipe book in a way. 

See, it's within and as our understanding of what we got/have that we are able to create new complimentary additions for ourselves and others here. The Fine tuning of our movements/relationships here, enables us to work and play with the development of our best results.  It's like a a regard for stretching into our potential.  See, improvement is made with regard for little movements. The awareness here for both the big and the small.  The big movement is a result of many small points in motion. Take walking as an example.  It's something we can easily do. We learned it through playing/working on it, and balancing ourselves out within the process, where we had to become aware of all of our stabilizing points....you know, our equilibrium. "Our Feels"...the physical feels of our physical movements here.


To Be Continued

Day 781 - Go for It - The Movement and Moment of Doing

Taking the Time Here to Recognize the Act of Making something Happen....You know, that moment of Doing, That moment where you make the decision to move yourself for yourself....you know, because you see a possible play here and you want to make it work.....So, You go for it.

Now, timing is a funny thing in the act and moment of doing...because we play/work in time and it's the fine tuning of our actions in time that assists us in seeing the results of our creations here.  See, there is so many ways for us to move ourselves and some ways are more efficient and others are less efficient...and some just are not in relation to being efficient or inefficient....they just are simply what they are and there is no competition or friction about the play and working of oneself in motion here.

I'm recognizing a correlation within myself with regards to my attitude in mind and my ability to move myself physically. Like, specifically....what I mean is the me here within and as my Beingness here as the Player who exists within and as both Body and Mind...but is also the decision maker...and word regulator.....sound technician..the story writer author of my movement/physical life here.

Writing with this regard towards physical movment, sounds kind of strange and sort of obscure....because it's like a mind fuck of sorts that comes up within me...like this conscious thinking that i've always been moving myself this whole time...this whole life of mine.....But the reality  and truth of myself is in fact a lie of sorts, because I have come to understand that me as the Being Player here hasn't always been calling the shots and making the plays for myself here....it's like I've been taking orders from myself as my mind as consciousness/ego, a lesser version of the best of myself here as my Beingness Signature and Expression in every movement and moment.

I had a my weakness come through in my mind this evening as the thoughts about how I could let slide my writing of my blog this evening.  The fact of the matter here as me from the core of my Being here, is that I really do enjoy expressing myself through writing....I enjoy the flow of connecting my sounds through the addition of words in and as the formation of sentences coming together to share the flow that exists within and as the inside of me outside as like a sort of weather and temperature thing....the waterfall that is me. Hmmm, maybe i need to play and work within this temperature thing as the water that is me....that sounding of how that came out doesnt seem quite right....but hey maybe that's because there is an inkling of an inclination to stop myself and censor myself from actually moving myself within and as my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop myself from moving/living my potential as a result of not realizing and understanding the mechanics of  my mind consciousness programming where I talk myself out of doing/moving and continue within and as thinking within and as mind consciousness. I realize I am in the process of getting to know myself for real....because it's like to a certain extent as I aged throughout my life here...i learned to cover myself up and hide the truth of myself as like my Beingness sound signature here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being made fun of and being embarassed as a result of sounding unfamiliar and or out of tune with what is typically already known and obvious within and as basic programmed predicatable behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist stepping outside of my comfort zone from the perspective of expanding my potential and my life as my home here...as like the movement of myself here within and as how i challenge myself-development here.  I commit myself to learning.  I commit myself to making improvements within and as my work and play time here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to understand and know the truth of myself here as words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself within and as my words from and as the perspective of Ego Mind Consciousness as the real disregard for my well Being Here in and as my physical Body.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect awareness for myself within and as word and world here as my vocabulary and my physicality here...as like all is part of my self/flesh here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the amount of times I make a mistake before I got the point within myself as a complete knowing and understanding that I can share and explain the various relationship dynamics/mechanics of and as the various states of motion that one can experience within and as the mistake where one reacts within  one of the many realms of intenseness as a result and consequence of our emotional outflow....where we are in fact allowing ourselves to be self-victimized by our very own reactions of Ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Fear letting my ego go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not now what it is like to live always without  the thoughts of self-sabotage as the thinking my way out of doing something.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing nor understanding how the trap of my mind as ego within and as consciousnesses energy was to over think things for myself...as the specifics of talking my way out of actually doing anything....because you see...I am quite capable and able to talk my walk as i write myself here...and the fact of the matter is....that as I write...I see myself here for real...is like as I write...I can hear myself loud and clear...as like the me that has always been here...yearning to be heard as the voice that has been suppressed in favor of self-suppression as the fear ego mantra of submission in energy patterned behavior of various dimensions of polarized constructions, also know as the war between good and evil picked from the tree of knowledge.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand myself as the Tree here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick on myself and others from and as the starting point of bullying where I cut myself down as like not allowing myself to grow and develop where I have the potential to branch out and blossom in a whole assortment of ways that are seemingly unimaginable.  I realize myself here as a tree. I realize to see myself as what I previous could not perceive myself as, is a great assistance in expanding my perspective and perception of and as my capacity for developing my very own personal self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing nor understanding the terror of self-inferiorization....as the parasitic vampire like self-inflicted condition of twisting and turning words around within the mind to reflect the feeling and or emotion of the moment...and to be so convinced that is the totality of myself ability in the moment that I don't want to even question my status update, because the fear of not being real is so real that desire and urge to be accepted by anyone other than myself is so great....because ironically, the definition of authority has been transmuted outside of self...myself here.  I commit myself to re-establishing myself here as Authority and Author of myself here as the Director of myself here,,,and I commit myself to share with others how self-direction is a matter of self-regard and the willingness to speak for real on behalf of yourself here making a stand for all life here as one and equal.

I commit myself  to stop slacking off in regard for my words here...and within this i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself into inaction as a result and consequence of fearing  the moment of moving myself within and as the practical application of myself living words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand my creative capacity for self-developing solutions that are great.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my potential here as a creative solution developer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard...and really disassociate myself with the word "Developer"

I commit myself to playing and working with the word  "Developer".

I commit myself to delving...and diving into and as the practical living of my potential within and as the word "developer"


To Be Continued

Day 780 - Awareness in Inter-Action

How Aware am I of my Every Interaction?

Are my interactions like various forms of debts I take on? Is this the very case and point, if I in fact accept and allow less than what is Best for myself as All Life here? Could it be that I am the source of myself/existence here? And, Each exists as the very same source point of Existence Here?

Is considering all as One and Equal a tough pill to swallow?

Have I conditioned myself within my behaviour and various specific types of Interactions to Suppress the Regard and Practical daily Living of the Realization and Understanding of Myself/Life as Oneness and Equality?

Do I fear Oneness and Equality?

How can I Stop the conditions of my Behaviour and various specific types of Interactions that suppress the regard and practicality of the realization and understanding of Oneness and Equality?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist examinations of all moments/interactions/participations/behaviours where there is an energetic movement and resonance existent within me as a point of dissonance from the realization and understanding of Oneness and Equality, as the meaning and understanding that we are all one here alone as beings here and every being here is a part of team life...and all parts of team life are valid....and, energetic polarity is the fictitious facade of our mind consciousness we made a real big deal of, and is in fact a reflection of our very own self-deception that keeps ourselves...our Team Life here, divided and conquered to a certain extent,....while, ironically, “trying” to win...not realizing how we are beating ourselves up and down in the process. I realize the ridiculousness of fearing to physically hurt our mind consciousness. I realize the ridiculousness of fearing to lose our mind consciousness. I realize the ridiculousness of trying to hurt or lose our mind consciousness. I realize and understand the dichotomy of existing within a love and hate relationship of energetic extremes as the spectrum of emotion and feeling from the lowest low tonality to the highest high tonality and pitch. I realize and understand that our sound here without the taint of consciousness separation, as a polarized conflict within word relationships is in fact our true nature and the truth of ourselves here...and the irony of our suppression's and potent expressions. I realize potency in expression is in essence the simplicity ourselves here existing in and as sound....here...on point...our starting point....the end point....the point of everything.....the creation point.....Oneness and Equality.....Oneness and Equality together as One....the unity of and as our agreed upon harmony of words as our complimentary physical living actions, which are creative by the simple fact of our very existence here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect and disregard the accounting / housekeeping for all of my words I share.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect and disregard the accounting and housekeeping for all of my words that I have charged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for to neglect and disregard the accounting and housekeeping for all the words that are directed to me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist taking self-responsibility for misdirection in and as the best usage of our words....where for example it is clear to me that a word is being leveraged in a very charged way. I see realize and understand that leveraging words in a very charged way require attention and specific direction and clear definition and terminology need to be established through the engagement of clarification on meaning. I see and realize myself responsibility within and as practical living Word and World regard through the daily practical living of Questions as Who, How, What, and Why of myself/Existence/Creation/Life Here. I know the “Where” Question is always a matter of Here...though for a practical point of regard in specificity in daily living Questions to my utmost potential and to make for detailed structure in story telling my Quests, I see the value in and as the inclusion of “where” within my basic Questions I practically live every day here.

I commit myself to daily practical living of the Questions, Who/what/where/why/When/How? I commit myself to being open minded to the arrangement and ordering of my basic simple Questions of: What, Where, When, How, Why, and Who? I commit myself to expanding myself within and as the Asking of Questions. I commit myself to using the basic simple questions outlined here as a basic framework and structured support system and network for networking the specificity of any particular point of investigation. I therefore realize and understand that I am capable and able to to figure out the particulars/specifics of anything and everything. I realize and understand there is a plethora of ways within and as the very nature of all ways...and that asking questions is a way to create one's life here in a way one would like to live.

I commit myself to investigate my fascination and interest within points/relationships/interactions/words.

To Be Continued

Day 776 - The Ink in my Thinking as Personified Television

 



Thinking is something i have given much credence to.  I have placed so much value in thinking that it has been to my own detriment.  I'd like to make a distinction here between 'thinking' and 'looking', where thinking is a sort of random behavior without direction that we give attention to as like thoughts, things just pop up within our mind and as we give attention to it our mind continues to move and build momentum and increase it's activity production output as going deeper and deeper.  Where as 'Looking' is a self directed point of seeing into something that will often stem from a form of questioning. the question may be direct or indirectly asked within oneself as a sort of examination like process within getting to know/investigate a particular point.

For myself, i can see i have very much allowed myself to blur the lines between self-directed 'looking' and 'thinking'....where the looking and the thinking can be very much regarded as the same thing....but also within the mix is the random reactionary thought that i have gotten into the patterned habit of examining, where it's like I stop what i am solely focused on and begin a sort of juggling act by giving a certain amount of attention to this 'new thought application'.  This 'thought application' is like a random virus in the sense that my connection to it is emotional/feeling based where it typical starts off with a very small charge/pulse about it....and i form a specific impression as a 'new thought/feeling-emotion/action-reaction' and from there do a sort of spiral inward into layering the point, where it's like a sort of zap/zing suppression that is kind of like lightening in a bottle in that it is is so intense yet small yet quick, yet powerful.

Fortunately I have the tools to sort out....self-correct such conditioned behavior.

Why would I want to correct such behavior / application within myself?
What's the point?

The point is Specificity and Accountability.  Meaning, to live and create the best version of myself here.

To elaborate,  My expression and ability to perform tasks to the best of my abilities is tainted within allowing myself to be very much 'distracted/possessed' within my own Thinking.

I have seen first hand how much my mobility is limited/halted within allowing myself to drift/wander/watch my thoughts brew about a particular topic.  For example, In tree planting...a job i have done for many years, my ability to move/flow with effortless efficiency is in direct correlation with presence/thoughtlessness of the moment, where i am so committed to my physical movement and am just so here within the expression of me moving, that there is no room for any other activity, nor need.   However...sometimes i would allow myself to be preoccupied with points of thought/ideas while moving/tree-planting...and the longer i allowed myself to focus on the thinking while moving/working, the more my performance suffered as tree-planting effortless efficiency, meaning my ability to plant a tree quickly slowed down...sometimes this slowing down in movement was only a fraction of a second, and sometimes it was more.  Ironically, I was typically more exhausted at the end of a tree-planting day when i had planted fewer trees and thought more.


To be Continued

Day 775 - In Fear You're It

 




Inferiority - In fear you are it. You are it in fear. Inferior I tied to the why of the fear I fear. Inferior it is why. A less than experience and acceptance and allowance.  Often masked and projected externally as superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have existed as the Inferiority character construction within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even believe it possible that I could exist within and as the point of Inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my very own inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and deny acknowledging points/moments/reactions within and as Inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard inferiority as such a bad thing, like one of the worst things a person could be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that inferiority is a choice and a decision so much so and that if you are ever faced within and as the point of inferiority, you should hide it by presenting a false front, lie and deny it, as a way to not accept it within yourself.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizes how I created coping defense mechanisms within my mind as ways to 'survive' within and as the moments of inferiority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how recognition of moments of inferiority is a great point of strength in seeing how and where you are not measuring up to par within and as a point/application/ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having made inferiority a perpetuated weakness within myself, by being afraid to admit points of inadequacy within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard inferiority as wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to understand and really know inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a preference towards hiding from my inferiority within and as the outward projection of superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compound the existence of inferiority within myself as a result of believing myself to be high, mighty and powerful within the character reaction of superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create abuse within myself internally and externally as a result of fearing to face myself within the full spectrum of polarized characterizations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how I constructed a primary character throughout my life as Inferiority who reacts in fear and projects superiority as a coverup job and operation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a lie as my very own self-deception and self-manipulation as the reactionary inferiority character that created and energetic addiction towards channeling a high and might experience within myself as my energetic release for the built of layers of shit that I would compound within myself as my mind activity here in defense and conflict with myself and world as everyone here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the extent and scope to which I created clever coping mechanisms to induce a positive energy high experience and escape for myself as a result of fearing to get real with myself and acknowledge/face/know/understand my weakness as Inferiority and Inadequacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate vulnerability and sensitivity to being undesirable forms of weakness connected to inferiority and that it is my choice to disregard and deny the reality of these words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct myself in and as inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing my potential as a result of fearing to get real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be on the run from myself...as like constantly being on the move within fear as my accepted and allowed mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating all sort of beautiful words and ideas and concepts as various ways of my word patterned communications to perpetuate a false front....a false flag operation..a lie, a veil, a misrepresentation of the actuality of what I am accepting and allowing within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thought that is what you are suppose to do with points of inferiority and any other sort of weakness that comes up within one's mind and body experience here...as to make something up that you like better.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing and understanding how to substantiate my vocabulary effectively as a structurally sound foundation within myself, as the words existing within me here in and as equality and oneness, from the perspective that words are innocent and do not require me to make up charges held against the words as them being polarized within the scope of positive, neutral and negative energies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world of impotence, as a sort of powerlessness that is governed and controlled, ruled through and as my accepted and allowed fear...a sort of self-inflicted spitefulness as the lack of understanding of what Inferiority in fact means.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding the sense of irony existed within and as word and world relationships here, within and as our oneness and equality, as that is the one point always here...our oneness and equality...and the irony of course is within and as our self-definition as how we imprison our very cells here at a resonant level as the scope of the entirety of ourselves as all of existence within and as our sound.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my potential to exist here as sound, has been suppressed, that I have been existing here within and as a sort of noise, a derivative of sound, a less than experience...the epitome of inferiority...rooted in and as self-abuse, being in conflict with myself and not even realizing how I am in fact perpetuating and prolonging a war within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the propaganda I would create in and as various forms of reaction/fear of myself being here within and as a point of reaction....where I would then create a disinformation agenda to quickly move into another character to hide the scope of the truth of myself, which has been the very initial reaction/fear within myself, as fear it self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a battle/conflict of epic proportions with Fear...believing Fear to be the ultimate enemy and point of separation that I must fight against as the very quick moving reactionary defense systems within my mind.  I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how extensively I have been on the attack and the defense at the same time...the complete reflection of and as the military war machine here in all ways, penetrating the totality of my existence here.


When and as I see myself reacting in Inferiority/inadequacy, I stop and breathe, I take a moment to correctly identify the specifics of my reactionary defense/weakness.  I realize this is a weakness that requires specific self-correction because it is being revealed to me in my mind as a form of military defense and offense upon myself and all of existence here.  I realize it is my self-responsibility to come to terms within myself as a removing myself from the field of battle, where I release myself from participation within and as the enemy construct here. I see, realize and understand the solution of myself here at peace with all of existence as a point of agreement within and as my word relationships here, where I in fact am at ease with my word and world relationships here, where I mean no offense or defense.  I commit myself to the process of settling the terms of negotiation within myself as the vocabulary that exists within myself as a form of energetic dissonance.  I realize and understand the process of self-transformation as the self-direction of my existence within and as energetic information, to that of physical sound substance here as the physical universe here.  I realize, understand, and know the process of status correction here to be a labored physical process of nurturing myself back together again, from disharmony and disease to harmony here as the sound of music at ease.  I realize the substance of self-expression here is in fact our sound.  I commit myself to birthing myself as sound/life here.

Day 773 - DOUBT

 

DOUBT:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which I have dis-empowered myself within and as a result of holding onto an energetic 'doubt' within myself, ...as the 'damned if I do and damned if i don't experience'....perpetuating a sort of stagnation, see sawing back and forth within myself...thinking maybe this way is best, maybe this way is best...a sort of stressful restlessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the irony within holding onto an energetic doubt within myself....is that what results is a whole lot of nothing...but a lot of humming and hawing...as like maaaaaaaybe......a lot of wasted time and energy into thinking about things, but never really actually doing anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a wrong decision to such an extent that I would rather avoid making a decision all together. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not recognizing the the ridiculousness of this behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my existence to be a sort of doubt filled dwelling. As like just thinking of the possibilities without ever really pushing myself to act swiftly and promptly within and as my decision making process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the time wasted within and as the fear of making a bad decision...like by deliberately allowing more and more time to think about it.....that the point in question could in fact have been faced by making a decision one way or the other way....but by allowing such postponement on decision making, just allows one's life to compound in limbo....like a sort of state of purgatory....where it's like being fucked on both sides...as like being mind fucked out of the potential good and bad consequence of the situation. A great travesty/deception really.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the travesty and deception of allowing doubt to linger as a reason for indecision and postponement on decision making.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be cowardly in my thoughts/words/deeds as a result of resisting to take self-responsibility for the doubt inside myself.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to wait on making a decision, I stop and look at why this is in fact what I am doing. I self-honestly assess what is holding me back. I realize that in some instances there is much accounting to do before making a decision on particular matters. I realize it's not to push a polarized self-sabotage by superimposing that one must always be quick on decisions. I realize it's a point of practicality within and as the decision making process here. I realize it is a matter of being self-honest about the points that are here within myself...as this is the real accounting here....See the accounting here is the specifics of and as my word recognition's....because each word of consideration as like the main points is a sort of conglomeration of relationships being put together within myself...and so a key starting point is to write all the words down so to get clarity on the specifics of the accounting.

When and as I see myself wanting to postpone looking at things/decisions here, I stop and breathe, I make note of the specifics that i am deliberately looking to postpone/avoid. I recognize these points as the key points of the matter here...as the main points that need to be accounted for...as like there is some balancing required here...because these points...which can be represented by specific word relationships are out of alignment as how I am existing in relationship to them. So what is cool here, is that sorting myself out is a matter of vocabulary. Word recognition is the key to being effective in and as the world here. I realize there's no valid reason to take my acceptances and allowances personally from the perspective of punishing myself for what i have realized, but to actually move one.....'moving on' is key here...as the taking of self-responsibility in restructuring my life word/world relationships in ways that are best for all life. I realize in identifying the problem/issue, I in fact empower myself within and as self-responsibility to create/direct/develop a solution.

I commit myself to being bold in facing my accepted and allowed doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using doubt as an excuse and justification for non participation within my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate self-responsibilities within and as the acceptance and allowance of self-doubt as a reason and excuse to justify accepting and allowing inferiority within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to look and see how in fact the ego of superiority is glossed within and as the doubt of inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the correlation between doubt, ego, and blame as like a trinity of fuckedness as different angled ways in which one can create a mind fucked prison for oneself. I realize that there is other key words in which I have fucked myself in perpetuating a sort of doubtful existence, like justification, reasoning, logic, manipulation, self-sabotage....I realize that in a lot of ways, I exhibited a lot of ways to remain stuck within the core point here...and that being a real lack of self-independence and self-trust as the care taker and authority of me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have in fact forgot about living my life in so many instances as a result of accepting and allowing myself to exist as the very fear which permeates a doubt filled mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how a doubt filled mind is one of such fear, though ironically the fear of massive amounts of inferiority is so deeply hidden behind the surface layer of bullshit which is known and regarded as the positive back chat of super ego superiority where one asserts one's self-righteousness without actually really doing anything but scaring/separating the shit out of oneself, and ultimately missing out on a lot of awesome potential moments of shared enjoyment here. I realize and understand the isolation within and as the ego superiority of self-doubt. I realize the ridiculousness of perpetuating such an extensive bullshit story.

I realize that keeping the fearful doubt experience alive within myself is like deliberately trying to waste myself away here. I commit myself to stop wasting myself away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invalidate myself to such an extent that I am searching and seeking for validation, and direction as some sort of answer as to what i should do....and ironically within all this, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand my self-authority, myself actualization, myself realization here, myself-honesty, myself-trust, myself-responsibility here...myself as the creator of myself here.

Day 770 - The Lame Fear

You get what you don't want and You get what you want, so either way, you Get it.  Get It? Get It!  Got it.

I noticed I fear being Lame.  Like, I do not want to appear weak or lame or somewhat inept in my participation, whatever that may be.  Ironically enough, what you really don't want, you get more of..when your starting point is in opposition of that very thing...it's like a homeopathic remedy and equation in so many ways....where the thing that is here to support you the most, is the very thing you are "fighting" and in "conflict" about. Tragically ironic indeed.  It's like creating  more and more consequence, a bigger and bigger mistake...to either be the cause of one's demise...or the Very Solution Remedy Cure here.  Funny, because everything is it...and where shit gets complicated is in and as how we have tagged it. You know that very elementary game of Tag You are it?  The word spelling's we imprint as our character impressions...not realizing the forgeries we are creating, because it's a fake of sorts, a conscious/unconscious incompetence. Not as the Knot in and as our not realizing what we are doing to ourselves...our cells here in and as our world here.

I noticed how I have been perpetuating a mind fuck within my world participation's within this point of fearing to be Lame. In many ways this perpetuates a sort of inferiority/superiority play out of characters....where it's like I go into a sort of De-siding....I mean, deciding...as like a self-censorship within participating within a point, or a sort of self-righteous superiority/Inferiority.  Though, there is the alternative to both these conflicting realities...which is me being here, clear from fear.  Though the very instance of me having moments of being clear from fear is very questionable,...because it's like a moment of fresh air, a breath of life...and then it's gone and into some sort of self-perpetuating stagnation or drowning.  Like forgetting how to swim for a moment...ironically enough, it's more like disabling my swimming ability in a moment, as like choosing to impair my ability with the acceptance and allowance of fear to be the commanding authority in relationship to the points of ability in question as my response abilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing the word Lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how much I have allowed myself to have a fearful relationship with the word lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how much I have limited/suppressed my natural learning ability as a result of fearing to be Lame/Weak within a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the Irony relationship Tool and How it Links specifically with Fear in and as a Word Relationship.  As like a realm of Fear is at the core of accepted and allowed issues/conflicts/problems within an individual relationship. And, why this is so ironic, is because it is the very Fearful relationship with specific regards to the word in question that keeps the problem/conflict/mistake/misfortune alive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which i have self-censored my potential as a result of accepting and allowing myself to be in opposition/fear towards the word Lame. I forgive myself for not realizing the irony within fearing to be or be perceived as Lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the extent to which process is a tragic/divine comedy play out here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how Irony can be a rather specific tool for investigating words, where you can use the word Irony as a sort of cross reference where you have a look to see if you are being ironically stuck within the very word you are making a concerted effort to investigate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how cool a tool Irony is within investigating words as like a fun and funny play to aid in and as the word investigation/exploration. - See more at: http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2016/02/day-769-exploring-word-lame.html#sthash.hpDhwsRP.dpuf

Day 767 - Maleficient

 


Ma-Lef-i-Cent....Mal-ef-i-cent..Maleficent...


I first recall seeing this word when the movie came out with the title "Maleficent".  I was kind of intrigued by this word because I was not familiar with it...at the time, I did a quick look of the word and found it to be synonymous with evil and wicked.  I stopped consciously investigating the word at that point...However, when I would see this word in the poster for the movie, there was a sort of curiosity about it.  Words we do not really know are so much so a mystery.  I did not know if i knew how to in fact pronounce 'maleficent' correctly.  I was kind of reading it like 'male-ficent'..or 'male-ficient'...this didn't quite sound right to me...but I believed myself to not care anymore about it, and it would be just a word I would kind of disregard, and not really know all that well, while kind of justifying that I know enough about it because I connected it to 'evil and wicked'.

Maleficent

"causing or capable of producing evil or mischief; harmful or baleful. malefic, adjective. maleficence, noun. C17: from Latin maleficent-, from maleficus wicked, prone to evil, from malum evil."


Maleficent came up in discussion earlier today while sorting out perceptions of ego that I have been sorting out.  In my mind, so much so, I have regarded myself as, 'Magnificent'. Which, ironically is so much so Maleficent, from the perspective of playing the polarity flip flop in perceptions and deliberately choosing to pick the 'positive' associations to hold in mind as Being 'It' as the form and information that creates my character personality.

Ironically, what is missed within seeking out and defining oneself within the positive light, even with the best of intentions...is the split decision that results as outflow consequence of the accepted and allowed word relationships.  Let me further explain this:  See, if you deliberate take a word and you superimpose it onto yourself for all time, as like this is my form here, this is who I am...You are influencing your form here with the information you are using....which is an act of self-manipulation in so many ways as a result of not really understanding oneself here and how to in fact be capable of expressing words without limitation from moment to moment.  See, so longs as there are these formed impressions/definitions about oneself here as the character you are here...as the who you are completely defined....you are predictably trapped withing your own self-created mind construct.  A self-imprisonment if you will.

Why is this seemingly bad when it sounds like such a good idea to be specific with the words to define yourself as? Well, it's bad from the perspective, that it re-enforces the programming of  oneself being an automatic robot...predictable programming...and then just kind of playing out the various consequences of such a construction, because over time, the programming becomes more and more rooted in as what was accepted and allowed....it's so much more substantiated and self validated as what it means to be here.....All the While, Ironically, the ability to actually Express oneself in any given moment as any particular Word, Showcasing a complete range of flexibility in one's creative capacity to Act and Express what it means to live Responsibility.

See, if i look back into my earlier days, I figured I might as well self-define myself as the Best in the World.  My initial starting point perspective was definitely rooted in survival here, thinking that my greatness is in what I believe, as the rhyming of "what Believe, I can Achieve".  Interestingly enough, I didn't really question why I would really need to create this sort of ongoing Belief within myself...to me, it just seemed like a sort of trick to give myself a competitive edge here, from the perspective that it's up to me to create the best for myself.  Ironically, at that time I did not understand myself in relationship to others here, as like being various points of mirror reflection here...so, so much so I was well on my way in created dissonance within my perception of my shared reality here.  Ironically, with good intentions. 

To give some overall clarity in word relationships:

I've come to realize my capacity to express myself is within and as moments here.  So much so, the moment is a result of and as myself here as a complimentary player and action directing my response ability. 

The interesting thing here, and it is still a continuous process I am opening up, Is in taking the Care to see where I went into an Automatic Reaction in relationship to the relationships in my environment.  What is fascinating about this, is that by investigating the automated behavior which is reaction based, is just a going through the motions without really being an active living participant here...not too mention the play out, isn't really a self-directive play at all....though, ironically, within one's own mind, the reactions as one's actions, make total sense....complete total sense, because that is the very logic/programming that was authorized, whether consciously or unconsciously...the behavior characterization was consented and scripted into one's very own self-personified his/her story.

Words are creative tools for ourselves to express ourselves here.  Our ability to express ourselves effectively here is within our knowing how creative tools work in shaping our form as information from moment to moment.  The irony of course is that holding onto some words all the time, with particular charges about the word...as like it being energetically negative;y charged or positively charged...creates this wedge within oneself where our ability to move as the expression of our Potential is compromised within and as our very own Spelling.  

Let's together here, take a moment and explore the Self-responsible Play of Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding what it really means to express myself as living words from moment to moment as the movement of myself here as a sound.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I created my own self-authorized hypnosis within and from the starting point of wanting to be the best in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how my thinking is so much so a reactionary play out of the making of sense of what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the restrictions I have created upon my capacity to express myself and to see and hear what is here with clarity as a result of what I have self-authorized within myself as my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to really go in depth into looking at my starting point for wanting to be positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding that my status standing capacity to express myself from moment to moment is within and as my ability to self-correct my reactions from moment to moment and to create self-corrective solutions as an expression of me standing here from the starting point of Life - Oneness and Equality.  I realize and understand that this is a process of creative play and work as there is much to be done in seeing the errors of our ways and to seeing how we can move beyond accepted and allowed restrictions/limitations.  I realize that our a world is so much so a reflection of our words and our ability / inability to take accountability for our words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for nor realizing and understanding how each and every word is a multi dimensional tool and expression here and our ability to naturally play with the potential that exists here, is a result of our willingness to stop polarizing our accepted and allowed self-definitions here.  I realize our creative capacity is within our ability to remove the energetic charges from our words as this is so much so the key to a real world debt forgiveness, where we are no more enslaved to our own accepted and allowed bullshit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to thoroughly question What it is I am accepting and allowing,..I realize that is complete bullshit.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for logically self-manipulating myself into believing myself to be separate from the bullshit that exists here in our world,...and for believing myself to be not responsible for all the bullshit here.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how I have had a tendency to discount my capacity for change that is best for myself and others here.

I forgive myself for unwittingly accepting and allowing myself to be at war with the world.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the profound ironies within and as the military systems of control in this world and the amount of defenses/justifications and excuses I have created within myself as necessary as a result of how I am within and as my thoughts/emotions/feelings.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for defining myself as Magnificent in opposition of of Maleficent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying myself to be better than others within my thinking from a point of egoistic superiority as a result of believing that I am just better and more committed to self-defining my own greatness.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the self-compromise within making believe character personalities for oneself as like the consequential outflow of self-definition from the perspective of focusing on building up a positive self regard rooted in a conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding that the more one polarizes oneself here in language, the more difficult it is to in fact have effective relationships here.  I realize our real potential here in this world is within harmonizing the points of dissonance within our language/vocabulary.


I commit myself to sounding through the process of word and world accountability, by taking the time to investigate myself and world here and to in fact utilize all the different mirrors of self-reflection that exist here.

I commit myself to sharing my process or word and world relationships.

I commit myself to expressing my process of self-investigation here.

I commit myself to the moment by moment word movement and expression of myself here.

I commit myself to play with the development of my word and world potential here.

I commit myself to assist and support others to develop there creative capacity to play with what they say and to unlock the moment by moment potential of ourselves here as practical living word and world participants Here.

I commit myself to continue to share myself in writing.

I commit myself to stop flip flopping myself within the realms of positive and negative reactions as like absolute belief systems within myself.  

When and as I see myself becoming stuck within a moment, as like having a resistance to moving myself and taking directive responsibility for my participation, I stop and breathe, I have a look at my momentary accepted and allowed bullshit...i allow myself to sit within my shit for a moment, and really see what i am doing/accepting and allowing for myself here....I also acknowledge and realize that what I am accepting and allowing for myself here, I am in fact accepting and allowing for all of existence...I face my shit...and realize that enough is enough...time to play..time to move...time for fun...time for self expression.  I see the ridiculous absurdity in deliberately accepting and allowing self-suppression.  I commit myself to the process of practical living here.  I realize that this is a process unfoldment here, and that sometimes my movements may be lame and less than graceful.  I realize there is so much fun potential here in allowing myself permission to express myself from moment to moment.  I realize my capacity to live and express words from moment to moment, develops organically as I allow myself to work with my play here in all that I say and do.