Day 227 Univeristy Resistances

I'm writing out my relationship towards my university studies as a means of giving myself more clarity and direction as focus and discipline within my studies.

At the moment, I care about my university studies in the sense that I want to complete my undergrad degree. I fear losing money invested into completing degree. I have trouble getting immediately engaged with university studies. University studies seem like a chore more than a joy.  I would prefer doing almost anything else than university studies. I get overwhelmed at all the readings and assignmnets I am required to complete...and sometimes I react to the amount of work that is required of me and I look for shortcuts as ways to get the work done quicker. I think about working on my university studies daily...but I have a hard time of actually working on my  university studies daily. I am holding a bit of a grudge against my university studies. I have been making a big deal about my university studies and have created difficulty in time efficiency with regards to appropriate amount of attention to studies and other things as consequence of accepting and allowing myself to give into temptations as distractions as any and all ways to advert attention else where. I feel like I am trying to force attention on university studies...and that schooling has always been something that I've had to really try and force upon myself to give attention to it...as like I've created strain and stress about moving through school work.

Ok, Im going to move through my above writing with the tool of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring to finish my undergrad degree out of fear of not completing my undergrad degree and disapointing my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to lose money if I don't complete my undergrad degree.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for placing stress on my university particpation in relation to money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a love hate relationship with regards to university studies as I actually like the work some what when I allow myself to get engaged in what I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing hatred and resentment at society as a whole with specific regards to the education system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for manipulating myself and projecting blame as separate from myself outwards at society as like the education system being separate from myself.

I forgive myself for not realising and understanding that I have created trouble for myself in terms of getting engaged immediately within my university work because I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually want to immediately get engaged in univsrity studies and that I in fact hope there is some sort of way for me to avoid university studies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating the thought of hope that there is in fact a way for me to avoid my university studies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for connecting university to the word chore and for accepting and alllowing myself for defining chore as like work I don't really want to do and that I have resistance towards chores as I have accepted and allowed myself to define chores as unfortunate negative experiences that are required to correct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for polarizing the word chore and for connecting university studies to the word chore.

I forgive myself for accpepting and allowing the word joy to be separate from the word chore due to accepting and allowing myself for polarizing the word chore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowiing myself for mind fucking with myself in the sense that I think about things that I would prefer doing rather than what I am committed to doing...as I realise thinking about things I prefer doing more than school work serves no practical purpose when I made a self commitment to finish my undergraduate university studies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get overwhelmed by the work that is required of me to complete at university.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for stressing myself out about my university studies by connecting the money relationship to my studies in the sense of accepting and allowing the fear of loss as possible consequence of fucking up my studies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for worrying about completing my studies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for doubting my ability to move through my university studies effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a polarized relationship with my university studies as like placing my university studies beneath myself as like to project myself as more than my university studies and my university studies as inferior to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a punishing relationship of avoidance and betrayal in relationship to my university studies.

I forgive myself for not realising that I don't maximize my time when I accept and allow myself  to distract myself from my studies because those moments of accepting and allowing initial distractions are moments where I commited and dedicate my time to working on university studies...and therefore by squandering that time by going into temptation as distractions...I am losing out on free time in the future because I will have to come back to the point that I am neglecting in the moment.

I forgive myself for not realising that I have been self sabotaging myself within my relationship to university studies in that I punish myself by taking away free time and leisure activites away from myself by not being dilligent and discipline in my focus and keen assertiveness to the task at hand as moving through reading material and assignments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging the material I am required to read as like defining the material as too much as like allowing myself to be annoyed and irritatted and dissapointed with the amount of material I am required to move through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding a grudge against my university studies and withinin this I forgive myself for not realising and understanding that I have been holding a grudge against myself as consequence of not realising myself wihtin and as university studies as the living participant here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for  making a big deal about university studies as like this monumental challenge of a mountain that I am required to climb and there is no incentive for climibing the mountain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that I need incentives in order to do things...and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted seeing the points of self perfections as means of self improvement that I can take and utilise from my relationship with university studies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dimishing the importance of school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making completion of final university credits extremely difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for giving into backchat as a means of temptation as backdoor routes of paths of avoidance that I can follow.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for giving into temptation as backdoor routes within my mind that are based on self itnerest within and as polarized energies which is a direct result of accepting and allowing fear possessions within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing strees and strain upon myself as consequence of accepting and allowing an abusive relationship with university studies and schooling in general.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having regarded schooling as me against the system as like refusing and refuting brainwashing indoctrination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for lowballing my universty studies in the sense that I have not been the most efficient with my time here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having pissed away many moments of my existence...operating at less than maximum potential and efficiency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for slacking off on my university work and fucking with myself in the process.

I realise the ridiuclousness of my actions and my accepted and allowed behaviour relationships with regards to univeristy studies and the completion of my university studies.

I realise the absurd stupidity in wasting time giveing into temptation as like backdoor paths of avoidance because I will have to come back to the point eventually and thus I am just wasting my time by accepting and allowing myself to avoid direct immediate resposnibility in the moment.

I realise creating stress and strain towards university studies is dumb...and I no longer wish to particpate in dumb participations.

I realise I am capable and able to finish university studies with focus and dillignece in self discipline and that I can actually enjoy the process of walking university studies into completion.

I realise I am completing my university studies for me and it's not about my parents or anybody else...and that In fact as I move me for me...I stand as what is best for everyone.

I realise worrying about losing money invested into school is ridiculous because worrying leads to more worrying and worrying isnt a fun or cool way to spend even a second of one's time.

I commit myself to allowing myself to enjoy process of completing university studies.

I commit myself to stopping any and all distractions that come up as resistances to completing university studies.

I commit myself to making completion of university studies number one priority for myself.

I commit myself sharing my process through the completion of my university studies.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself squandering time I set aside for univeristy studies...I stop and breathe and return to my studies and realise the ridiculousness of self sabotage in squandering time as like missing and wasting opportunities of self change as self realisation and self correction and obvious self enjoyment as practical living self expression as the solution to Life birthed from the physical.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to talk shit about university studies...i stop and breathe and realise the ridiculousness of projecting blame as being lame.

When and as I see myself to loooking to escape self responsibility to completing university studies, I stop and breathe and face myself responsibilities as a means of nurturing my nature as assistance and support as equality and oneeness and what's best for all life here