Day 354 Hiding Sucks

Day 354 Hiding Sucks

Yesterday within writing my blog, I didn't even want my girlfriend to see what I was writing about…I was hiding…like I tilted my computer away from her when she came onto the bed…I also asked her a question intentionally to distract her from looking at what I was writing about.

The blog I was writing yesterday, I didn't even like it…it’s like I knew it was fucked up that I made a big deal about my girlfriend planting more trees than me…so much so that I was bothered…and it’s like I was in a hurry to get that consideration out of my head.

I was being a sore loser so to speak…as like not wanting to even acknowledge the fact that I didn't win the tree planting competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for hiding the truth from my girlfriend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being a sore loser within not planting as many trees as another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be the winner within tree planting as like planting more trees than everybody.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling emasculated if a girl plants more trees than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing women to be less capable at tree planting than men…while having witnessed many exceptional women tree planters…to the point where I have seen people of all shapes and sizes are very good at planting lots of trees.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling like a loser if I am not regarded as one of the best tree planters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that when I am hiding within a point as like fearing to reveal particular information from within the starting point of trying to protect myself from embarrassment and being humiliated…that this is like an ego check and a point of humility as like eating a piece of humble pie and realising the ridiculous absurdity of accepting my and allowing myself to be controlled and directed by emotions/feelings of inadequacy and inferiority while believing that I am superior……..and within this I stop myself when and as I see myself going into a point of suppression as like hiding to share the truth of myself as like the answer to a question when I am be being asked a question and answering the question will bring me no physical harm so to speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for physically harming myself within zinging myself within reactions to particular information being shared/revealed about me as like taking the information personally and placing myself as victimized by the information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-induce experiences of self-suppression as consequence of controlling my speech with emotions/feelings….fear….

When and as I see myself hiding from my girlfriend, I stop and breathe and share with her within vulnerability as like a point of intimacy and self trust as I realise the assistance and support within doing so for both of us as like what is always best.