important shit

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Day 176 Greed as Self Righteous Energy Addiction

I just listened to "Fearing Your Own Fears" within the reptillian series on Eqafe. <iframe frameborder="0" height="210" src="" width="150"></iframe>


 "The Stairways to Heaven" from the reptillian series. Marduk was the speaker in both recordings.  <iframe frameborder="0" height="210" src="" width="150"></iframe>

Within these 2 recordings, Marduk touched on and expanded my understanding of my relationships within energy...and gave further context to how I have been half assing my process here as a consequence of picking and choosing to remain within some energies and therfore not practically releasing all charges held against myself as conflict/friction as polarized energy feeding off my beingness/awareness here.

This all corelates with greed...the topic of my blogs for the past 21 days.

I had thoughts yesterday and on some previous days with regards to how long can I keep writing about greed and my existence here as a greedy self righteous character. The more I've written...the more I've been like...I can write soo much more...seems so




These are some questions I will keep open for atleast the next little while.

So, a specific point Marduk mentioned within the interviews which I listed above, is with regards to 'want'. Basically being possessed by wants.

My self interested wants has been somewhere I've greatly resisted going within my process. I mean I've indentified my wants...and I've supported my consciousness thoughts to protect and desire and playout my wants...yet the relationships which I have developped specific positive energies towards...i've so much so resisted equalizing these relationships out of fear of loss, letting go of the high I've created within myself as like this is all I really care about...this is my heaven.

I have huge resistance to even writing anything more upon this page. It's like  my mind consciousness system is looking for a way to resist my self directed awareness in writing here.

Discipline is important as a self commitment.

ok, so lets look at these words/things/beings/existences:





Let me now share a little bit about my history with each of these words:


I was smoking weed heavily when I first became aware of the desteni message and the desteni material. I resisted full out participation with desteni as consequence of not really wanting to face my relationship with weed. I justified this outlook. This created a battle/conflict within myself as I knew the weed point was something that I had to push and challenge myself to let go of. I've stopped smoking weed many times for many months. I've never fully closed the door on weed...i've gotten real close...I even kinda thought I did...yet I know I didn't want to go all the way there in solidifying with absolute certainty that I closed the door on weed.

I had defined weed as my medicine. I had defined my ideal personality as a weed smoker. I had defined weed as the solution for all of humanity. I worshipped weed. I praised weed. I acredited my intelligence and awareness to weed. I remember thinking one time how I was looking for a change in my life...and I chose to get rid of my girlfried...because in my mind I made a decision that it was either quit weed or quit my girfriend.

The first time I smoked weed seemed so very therapeutic for me.  It was in the springtime at a grade 12 night party. My friend Luc had brought 3 joints to the party and the plan had been that me and my friend brian were going to try smoking weed for the first time. We ended up each smoking our on joint...I don't think it was so much planned for us each to smoke our own joint as it just ended up fact I recall smoking 2 joints at the same time at one point. We had been drinking various types of alcohol prior to toking up.

After getting really high, I remeber going to find a comfy spot to sit down. I had moved inside the house from outside the house. I found a cozy chair to sit in/on in the basement that just so happened to be facing towards my ex-girlfriend...well if I can even call her my ex-girfriend(I had spent some time with her the previous summer and I liked her a lot...I had a definite crush on her....she liked me to...I wanted to kiss her and have sex with her...yet...I liked her soo much...I didnt see the rush in jumping into those things with I was really enjoying getting to know her...we talked alot...spent time together many times over the course of a month.....than she told me that she was done spending time with me...she didnt use those words exactly...she did say that she was getting back together with her ex boyfriend whom she had already had sex with before and she justified her reasoning by saying to me that if I really liked her I would have tried to kiss her. I was crushed...felt so hurt...I remember saying to her...'i guess what they say is true, nice guys finish last'.)

Ok, back to me being really high, sitting in a comfy chair facing my exgirlfriend and her boyfriend whom she went back to because I didn't put out quick enough.

I was quite fucking relaxed. Previously I would of felt some sort of nervousness being around ex-girlfriend with her boyfriend who was a year older than me.  However not now.

I chit chatted with them a little know just kind of like sharing my well regards...and ya I was chatting with my friend Brian whom was also really high for the first time. We were a littel giggly goo in general...and ya there was a shit ton of people at I was just kinda of joking around with whoever was near me.

What's interesting is that the people around me...changed quite a bit over time...with the exception of ex girlfriend and her boyfriend who remained in chair together...except for the occaisional bathroom trip. I became aware of the fuckedness of their they were like joined at the hip and neither of them seemed to be having a good time....and because they came to the party together...they stuck together...watching them was quite hilarious to me,,, I could see their awkwardness and uncomfortability as like some sort of social anxiety....and ya i was feeling as good as fuck...and maybe I found this misfortune/uncomfortability within them to be so funny because I had spite towards like having held onto emotional pain that had burdened me.

 I never considered untill now...that all the shit I was seeing in them was becuase of shit that existed within myself.

So, weed had my approval after that night. I didnt think I was possessed or obsessed by it....although I would indulge at party's when the opportunity presented itself.

I remember smoking a joint in my garage about 2 or 3yrs after my first weed experience...and I rememember examining all the relationships I had with people at highschool....and in particular I was examining the relationships that I had that werent very strong...meaning...there was never a very close or intimate really getting to know the person very well....and as I looked at my relationships with people from was like for the first time ever...I placed myself into the shoes of others...and this was like a whole world of consideration and understanding opened I could see how closed minded I had been within my relationships...and selfish I guess...ya I was so concerned about me...and I didn't look or regard the others as me at I was always trying to carry a superiority attitude and place myself as better than others becuase really I felt inferior to alot of people.

These considerations and regards for other people as to place myself in their shoes...and that every person is just a person...rubbed off on me...though I was still existing within a frame of mind of self like now I can further justify my righteousness by not fearing so much to say whatever I want to whomever I want.

It was like I kind of understood that my relationship with others reflects my relationship with myself...I mean at this point I didnt understand or was in any way aware of my greedy self righteous energy addiction.


first tobacco I smoked was cigars because I thought it was cool...and I believed cigars to be cooler and better for me than cigarettes.  Fisrt several cigarettes I had were while I was drinking alcohol and I was looking to pick up a girl/get a girl's phone number. The smoking section outside was alot quieter than inside the club and also I would have an excuse to talk to girls because I was smoking or wanted to only asking a girl Im attracted to for a cigarette or lighter.  I mixed tobacco with weed to make joints bigger.  I liked to smoke weed but I didnt want to waste weed by using too much of it because I wanted to savour my weed as much as possible. I recall taking people's old cigarette butts and taking the pinch left of tobacco from them to put in my joints...because I didnt want to buy smokes because at this point i didnt really care about smoking cigarettes and this was cheaper. Over time I got tired of bummin smokes off people and scrounging butts for my joints.  eventually I would buy pouches of tobacco or packs of smokes to use specifically as mix for my weed to make spliffs. Smoking spliffs...a combo of weed and tobacco...which moved towards way more tobacco than weed...because I liked to smoke and I didnt want to smoke more weed than I felt I needed to get high.

I became dependent upon putting tobacco with my weed. I didnt want to smoke weed without tobacco in it. I mean I did a few times...but I wanted tobacco with it.

I use to smoke spliffs like people smoke cigarettes who like really like to smoke cigarettes....all the time. I wasn't concerned that weed was illegal where I was living because I believed I was masking the smell enough with all the tobacco I was putting in with it...and I created a defense is I was confronted that I smoking lebaneese tobacco.

Eventually I started smoking cigarettes without being drunk because I wanted to smoke a spliff and I didnt have any weed with me or I didnt want to get high or I felt like I had to ration my weed for later,

Cigarettes and cigars became a very social thing for me to do. weed/spiffs too.

When I came across the desteni material and read and heard that cigarettes were a cool point of support...I upped my smoking intake...and took on a point of self righteousness within smoking cigs by telling everyone that smoking is good for you and and that smoking assists and supports the breath of life...and that smoking assists and supports with being here....and people who don't smoke...arent generally taking the time to foucs/be aware/direct breathing.

I would smoke more cigaretes/cigars when I would quit smoking weed for awhile.

smoking very much so became a point of comfort for me.

at times I was competive about the sense that I would profess my righteousness as like how great I am at smoking spliffs and that I love smoking soo much and that I have an iron lung...and that If I was in a weed smoking competition...we'd run out of weed.

I attached being a smoker to myself as part of my being a smoker is who I am.


I learned to ski when I was 9. Learning to ski was pretty easy for me.  I didn't ski very much throughout the year untill about 4 years ago when I took a job as a ski instructor. After becoming a ski instructor I realised I didn't know nearly as much as I am capable of  knowing about skiing. Becoming a ski instructor was a pretty humbling experience.

I was keen to take the job as ski instructor because I saw this as giving me an opportunity to learn to snowboard...and I would have ample time to learn. I asked the snowboard instructors lots of questions about snowboarding before I tried it.  I didn't try snowboarding till near the end of first winter working as a ski instructor because I had become preoccupied with improving my skiing skills.

I learned how to snowboard pretty much so that I got to teach a beginner snowboard lesson at the end of the winter season...and I had just learned a few weeks earlier.

Skiing and snowboarding have interested me a lot in recent years as physical activities I am capable and able of perfectng my movements within as they are both very mechanical physically and it;s just a matter of learning and applying specific body mechanics.

Teaching both skiing and snowboarding has assisted me with my skill development. Also I think it's cool to share skills with others...and I've had lots of fun teaching skiing and snowboarding to people of all ages.


I like sex. After the fist time I had sex I wanted to do it again and improve my skills/performance. lol



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