Day 574 Positive Voice Tonality

So I was working with a whole bunch of 5 year old children today and I noticed a peculiar thing where I would speak in a slightly higher pitch towards them when I was trying to get their attention and tell them or show them how to do something when they had been distracted. It's interesting because I was aware of how I was sounding out my words...and I was kind of like what the fuck...and it was somewhat difficult for me to talk to them in a lower voice tonality. 

What is interesting about this is that I noticed my effectiveness in communicating/directing the points of learning comprehension was most effective when I made the effort to make sure I spoke to them in a low physically grounded voice tonality.

What's interesting about the higher pitch voice tonality...is that I noticed I was speaking in that pitch as a point of reaction...where I would go into the I'm a super nice positive friendly guy personality...and within this...I would speak from within a starting point of positive energy, and the intent of doing this was that there was a belief within me that I would forge and or strengthen a connection with the children through the use of sounding really positive within my energetic responses.

What's interesting about this is that I noticed how today was more challenging/stressful than usual as I had many moments with the little guys where I was seeking out their approval. I mean its kind of funny and ridiculous to see how I would go into this nice guy construct of like "ya you can agree with me and you can listen to me...because just listen to how nice my voice is when I'm talking to you...don't you think I'm so nice and friendly..."

What's interesting about this is that I've made some bullshit associations with going into positive energetic voice tonalities as a point of making approval/validation with others....specifically little children.

What's also interesting about today is that I really played with how I spoke to the kids in some moments...where I made a point of really speaking in a low voice...and what's interesting is that the kids were so much more responsive to me with the lower my voice tonality. It's like so ridiculous in a way because...when I would be "trying to be all positive in my voice tonality" it was a struggle for the kids to comprehend what I was saying...and I would have to repeat myself and establishing comprehension with the children was much more difficult.

I see here how also the point of positive voicing tonality would come out as a consequence to having negative reactions within myself...where I wouldn't necessarily be particularly pleased with the child...and then it's like I would speak in a way of sucking up to them because I feared them having there own temper tantrum...and so believing that I got to be super positive with them as a preventive means to them having temper tantrums.

And what is interesting and ridiculously absurd about my particpations in fearing the children being emotionally distraught and having temper tantrums is that I was having so many little temper tantrums within myself and in a way was trying to cope/manage my own emotional inner turmoil.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using a positive energetic voice tonality as a point of self-automated defense and coping mechanism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for trying to manipulate children by using a positive energetic voice tonality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to strain my physical body within reacting to children by speaking to them in a higher pitched positive energetic voice tonality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for doubting my effectiveness to communicate with children in a a low grounded physically stable voice tonality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that people require to be persuaded and influenced with positive energetic voice tonalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing people having temper tantrums.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for perpetuating emotional turmoil within myself by deliberately going into positive energetic voice tonalities as a way to make connections and keep the peace.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for taking offense to the learning ability of small children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having moments where I reacted as a point of impatience with the young children I was working with today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for self-victimizing myself within working with small children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for taking the actions and responses of small children personally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-righteous in relationship to small children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how abusive it is to deliberately make a point of speaking in a higher pitch positive energy voice tonality to children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the nastiness of speaking in a higher pitch positive energy voice tonality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the shame within reacting to children by speaking to them in a higher than normal voice tonality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for going into the nice guy character construct in relationship to children where I believe I do not have a connection with them and I have to earn their validation and approval through speaking from a starting point of positive energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how equally fucked it is to speak to children in a negative or positive energetic voice tonality.

To be Continued