Day 380 Boozer Loser

Day 380 Boozer Loser

Getting drunk is for losers….it’s really sad actually…it’s an embarrassment…it displays and exposes low self-worth…and it exposes the shit ton of self-suppression existent within and individual.  Getting drunk/wasted deliberately is a mental health issue that has been accepted and allowed within consumer society as like normal behavior. This is unfortunate.  The mentality is like I’m with stupid…like I just wasn't to have fun, have a good time, enjoy myself….party with others (which seems so often to mean to be with others who are also interested in indulging alcohol or other drugs for the purpose of getting buzzed/wasted/drunk/fucked up.)

I’m living in an environment, where this type of Boozer Loser behavior is rampant.  I’m living in a tree planter work community where all us workers live together in shared accommodation motel apartments. We work 4 days on and 1 day off type shifts of very long work hours. The day 4 evening is generally regarded as the time to get fucked up/wasted/drunk/party night.

I have not been at all interested in spending time hanging out with fellow workers while they hangout drinking alcohol. Many times a few people have been encouraging me to come hangout with everyone…and I have no preference in doing so whatsoever…like it seems like the worst way for me to spend my time. I don’t want to be a part of that scene at all.

I have been looking at the point of resistance to hanging out with people who are focused on getting drunk…having drinks as a way to encourage and engage in social interaction…as like to share time together. My starting point for drinking alcohol years ago was a point of being with others and like a liquid courage as to be comfortable hanging out with others who are drinking.  Interesting that drinking with others who are drinking makes you feel more comfortable and relaxed as like a putting the blinders on to not see the uncomfortable reality of situation as like a sad/depressing/unfortunate state of affairs.

I realise and understand the point of these boozer losers are me in another life…and that I know and understand boozer losers because I’ve been a boozer looser.

I question to the point of neglect within myself as like turning my back on myself…like by not wanting to be in the presence of booze fueled social gatherings I am removing myself from being seen as a visible example of practical living calm, cool, collected, relaxed, at ease with the disease that surrounds me as like realising and understanding the depressant nature of alcohol as like a way of coping with disease.

I question the point of leadership in standing alone as like a being who is not influenced by the mob mentality of looking for and wanting validation, acceptance or praise from others…but stands alone within and as principles of integrity and self-worth within living what is always best for all Life as like a living example of all Life here…without choice…because that which is best is always best and is without a choice of compromise…because that which is best has become obvious common sense as a result of self-willed commitment and determination to Journey to Life…to see as Life here without the blinders/tunnel vision

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making judgments about booze as like it being for losers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself for reacting to the word loser as like defining loser as bad, and for having negative polarity energy charges to the word bad and loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for taking the negative energetic polarity charges on the word bad and loser personally as like allowing and enabling myself to be under the spelling influence of a negative energetic polarity charge within accepting and allowing myself for neglecting to face the actual reality of the words bad and loser within and as equality and oneness as like it is what it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling a guilty for resisting facing my peers while they consume copious amounts of alcohol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting voicing the fuckedness of alcohol while living in an environment where alcohol is consumed for the purpose of getting drunk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing abuse being directed towards me as like people taking offense to me saying alcohol is fucked…or alcohol is for losers…because that is me saying to the people that surround my immediate living and are my co-workers…that they are fucked up and that they are losers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to speak about points of brutal truth harsh reality that isn't nice from the perspective of being defensive as like a means of self-preservation and avoiding conflict…as like keeping the peace amongst the existent internal/external war perpetuated by the participation within and as mind consciousness systems as like the consciousness organic robot war.

To be continued

A point of focus within the continuation is, “mind you own business”….”it’s none of your business what I do”…”What I do, shouldn't concern you”

The ridiculousness of “if you have nothing nice to say than you should say nothing at all”

Day 379 Layer Cake

Day 379 Layer Cake

Greed and Respect is the underlying story within the movie I just watched, the “Layer Cake”.

Irony is that greed and respect don’t mesh well together as like greed and respect is like a push/pull relationship. Friction/conflict is the memo of Layer Cake as the players within the movie are portrayed as having various levels of greed and respect…and accordingly their Life turns out in accordance with their greed and respect valuations as like how they live the words as like the principles of self-determination.

A comment I find interesting and a little bit funny from the perspective of ridiculousness is, “Don’t be too greedy” and “know when to get out”

The second comment is in reference to the first comment as like choosing your level of greed as how much of a piece of the cake you’re going to take from the group party and then try to escape…as like trying to get away with only as much as you think is justified/reasonable/respectful…like in other words is in accordance with a righteous assessment valuation within and as the greed/respect relationship.

Funny thing about not being too greedy is that those that aren’t too greedy and are just a little bit greedy, unfortunately and fortunately for those that are too greedy…get fucked by those that are too greedy as like the whole amount of greedy.

If everyone is equal within and as the living word “Greed” than Everyone is Agreed…which to me indicates agreement as like harmonious sound agreement…as like great relationships.

I see the flip side of the coin within the point of agreement as like terrible relationships…like god awful…as like totally brutal relationships.

This is the unfortunate mess humanity exists within as it is self-evident within examining human relationships…and I mean a simpler way as to get to the starting point of why this is….is to start within Yourself as like…reflecting every point back to self…as like seeing how I am connected within this all.

I see the point of disconnecting brutal relationship connections as like to remedy situations of fuckedness as like to first stop the perpetuation of fuckedness/abuse….so then it is possible to move/take the next step as creation and therefore recreating perfection…as like from perfectly fucked up/enslaved…to perfectly great as like piecing the puzzle back together in the best way possible…as like to realise and understand that forcing puzzle pieces to be stuck together within relationships that is not best is like a disservice and a hindrance as like a blockade to creating greatness from the starting point of perfection as establishing and building agreements through effective use of communication as the living words that are our physical building blocks  which create our in form as our information as how things play out from within how the foundation is sound…as like the structural formation of words and within this the specific sound relations with each word…as like the values placed within words…

What I am getting at is the importance of equal valuation within words….because to be a successful builder…like a great creator of perfection it is imperative that all words are structural aligned as perfection…as like in perfect tune…as the tune of equality and oneness merged and fused together as like sexual orgasmic expression within the sense of mutual benefit/support as like expressions each alone…but together at the same time…as like symbolism recognition of the harmonious union of the perfect system network as the whole word world as in the beginning was the living word and the word was with God…as like all is within and as the same image and likeness…and that is why so much so as I so my words here together in sequence I say like within expressing myself as like to connect word relations with make statements as like creating a depth within the substance I speak as like realising that beneath the surface is where the roots are as like the network of connections that keep things physically intact…specifically trees…

So were all like a tree really because a tree is here and we are here…you, me, tree…we…lol…because were all the same image and likeness.

Layer cake….like the layers of relations within ourselves…as like the layers of memories that have been imprinted with particular word relations in relation to feelings and emotions as like the greed/respect pull/pull relations of accepted and allowed conflict/friction which is like the duality of judgement within and as the justification of messing with a balanced hamoious equation….as like it is important and imperative to understand that there is always balance here…it’s just about establishing the equilibrium within a balance of oneness and equality as like a fair distribution as like butual benefit agreement that is always best for all parts involved so the best fucking is possible and therefore nobody gets raped within the point of greed as like having separate levels of greed as the more than less than equation

Day 378 Take a Cold Shower

Day 378 Take a Cold Shower

Along while ago I realized the therapeutic benefits of hot and cold temperatures. For a while I would make sure to finish my shower with some cold water…or at least do good for a bit of time and then back to warm or hot. I got out of that routine within the thinking of “I don’t feel like experiencing the cold right now”

Whenever I direct myself to embracing the cold water, I feel great…it is always a very relaxing experience.

Sometime there is resistance within myself to embracing the cold water…as like “ah the waters cold and I’m warm”

What’s funny about this is that today I noticed that the cold reaction seems to come from a part of my body that is not directly touching the cold water.  I will investigate this point further.

Why I’m writing about this topic is because I’d like to change my pattern of just sometimes embracing the cold water within having a shower…as I see valuable support within utilizing both the hot and the cold water.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing the utilization of cold water within having a shower as like a way to assist and support my body with relaxation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for neglecting supporting my body with cold water every time I have a shower.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for deeming the hot water to be more important than the cold water and for creating a preference towards hot water.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for knowing how awesome utilizing cold water within having a shower is for my body support and deliberately negating the point of utilizing cold water because of thoughts/thinking/feeling, I don’t feel like it right now.

When and as I see myself thinking that I don’t want to embrace the cold water today, I stop and breathe and I realise the awesome physical body support I give myself within utilizing and embracing cold water within having a shower.

When and as I see myself getting out of the shower without giving myself the opportunity to embrace cold water within having a shower, I stop and breathe and I turn the shower on with cold water.

I commit myself to utilizing cold water within having showers as a point of physical body nourishing support.

I commit myself to making the habit of always embracing the cold.

I commit myself to enjoying cold water.

Day 377 Morning Glory

Day 377 Morning Glory

So this morning was a blessing in disguise. I had been within a pattern of getting up about 15 minutes before I had to been in the company vehicle ready to go to the work site. Within getting up and only having 15 minutes I was always within a mad dash so to speak…as I had to always scramble to make sure I was prepared for work. Today I forgot my tree planting bags and as consequence as I had to borrow an extra set that was less than ideal. Today I looked at how I had a bad attitude about going to work…as like there was some resistance within me about getting up and going to work. I compared my situation here tree planting to that of me getting up to go to hockey practice or the golf course or the ski hill. Within waking up for hockey practice, the golf course or the ski hill I would get up and with effortless ease and give myself more time to be amply prepared because it was something I really wanted to do and I took what I was doing seriously as like fully committing myself to the activities I planned to participate within.

I see here there are some necessary corrections and a pattern to change as I see that my work behavior attitude was less than cool. Also I had gotten in the habit of having everyone in the vehicle wait an extra few minutes for me to be ready within the morning because of my negligent behavior and attitude towards work and everyone on my crew.

I didn't realise how selfish and dishonest I had been and how disrespectful I was being to my peers by consistently being inconsiderate of them by having them wait an extra few minutes each morning to wait for me to be ready because I always created a scenario in the morning for myself to be in a rush and not amply prepared for the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for neglecting my crew of fellow planters that would wait an extra few minutes for me daily to get into the company vehicle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a pattern of neglect and disregard for the well-being of myself and others within and as point of self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for self-sabotaging my work relationship by holing onto a bad attitude about being here tree planting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resistance to beginning my day as a tree planter prepared to plant as many trees as I am capable of pushing myself to plant as like working as hard as a I can as like giving everything I got within the work I do as like the insurance that I always give my best effort performance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating resistance and difficulty to giving and allowing myself ample time within the morning before work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fro not realising and understanding the time I give myself before I have to be ready for work within the company vehicle as like assistance and support I am giving/nurturing myself with as like a reflection/example that I care about what I am doing and that I am setting myself up to do the best work I am capable and able to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding myself as a member of the tree planting crew within and as equality and oneness as like mutual respect and consideration and treating each person like I would like to be treated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding how my getting up in a rush was a point of abuse as like creating the acceptance and allowance of resistance within myself to carry within myself for the day and to grow every day I participated within this particular pattern.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for taking on the rebellious character within and as sleeping in to the last possible minute as like thinking I’m winning by pushing peoples patience and taking extra time away from each person on my crew.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being in conflict with everyone on my tree planting crew within accepting and allowing myself to be a few minutes late for work every day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for existing within a pattern where I am always a few minutes late. I realise the self-dishonesty within accepting and allowing myself to be consistently and constantly a few minutes late every morning.

I realise the benefits to allotting myself more time in the morning.

I realise I AM BETTER ABLE TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR A SUCCESSFUL DAY WITHIN GIVING MYSELF A FEW EXTRA MINUTES WITHIN THE MORNING AND BY DOING THIS I DO NOT TAKE AWAY A FEW EXTRA MINUTES FROM EVERYONE ELSE..

I COMMIT MYSELF TO GETTING UP EARLIER FOR WORK.

I COMMIT MYSELF TO ADJUSTING MY ATTITUDE ABOUT GOING TO WORK AS LIKE TAKING ON A SERIOUS ATTITUDE ABOUT WORK AS LIKE WORK IS A POINT OF ASSISTANCE AND SUPPORT FOR MY FINANCIAL WELL BEING AND I REALIZE IT IS RIDICULOUSLY ABSURD TO BE NEGLIGENT WITHIN MY ATTITUDE ABOUT WORK PUNCTUALITY AND PREPAREDNESS AS LIKE THAT IS NOT COOL AND IS IN FACT A POINT OF SELF DISHONESTY WHICH IS GROTESQUE ABUSE.

I COMMIT MYSELF TO STANDING AS EQUALS WITH MY FELLOW WORKERS AND BEING PUNCTUAL IN MY PREPAREDNESS AND READINESS TO WORK.

I COMMIT MYSELF TO STOP NEGLECTING MY WORK RESPONSIBILITIES WITHIN AND AS THE POINT OF PUNCTUALITY.

I COMMIT MYSELF TO ENJOY THE WORK I DO.

I COMMIT MYSELF TO BECOMING AN EXAMPLE OF GREAT WORK AS LIKE I AM THE WORK I DO.

I COMMIT MYSELF TO ENJOYING THE PROCESS OF GREAT WORK.

I COMMIT MYSELF to letting go of selfish and neglectful attitude about work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being self-righteous about work and for being self-righteous within my attitude and behaviour towards other fellow co-workers.

I commit myself to stop projecting not wanting to work when I am engaged within a work commitment for an indefinite amount of time.

I commit myself to having fun and enjoying myself within waking up and beginning my work day.

I commit myself to morning glory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding my waking up and beginning my day as like setting the precedent for my morning glory as I realise and understand that I am the creator of my morning glory from within and as the point of self-determination as the will I am.

When and as I see myself having thoughts that are compromising my best performance within and as morning glory greatness, I stop and breathe and I realise and understand that this is my morning glory and I got this and I direct this as this is my calling as the will I am.

I commit myself to realising myself as a Destonian within waking up as my morning glory as I realise and understand my commitment to self-improvement and my dedication to journey to Life and the assisting and supporting the manifestation of an equal money system.

I commit myself to purifying the law of my being.

I commit myself to utilizing my waking up as a point of support in creating a great day.

I commit myself to greatness.

Day 376 Tree Planting Reality Show

Day 376 Tree Planting Reality Show

A few seasons ago tree planting I brought my camcorder out and was intent on making a tree planting reality show, highlighting the culture of tree planting and that the drama around and within the scene as like the work scenarios and tree planter relations and the ridiculousness gongshow nature of the hard partying after hard work…and also the life lessons as like moral allegories within doing a great job as like the trials and tribulations within daily living as like whatever your life living situation may be…as like there’s always some events happening where there is seemingly some sort of conflict or drama or fun or whatever…

I had been going through the editing process…and didn't realise the amount of work involved within the editing process. I shot a lot of video throughout the season.

Unexpectedly my external hard drive with all the stored planting footage stopped working.

A couple years ago I met a dude with a like minded vision for a tree planting reality show. He had been in talks with a few major television broadcasters…MTV and the Discovery Channel that I can recall. I got along with dude and we shared many laughs planting on the same crew. The dude had a bit more focus for the tree planting reality show idea than I did with regards to selecting people/characters he wanted to spotlight as the show to focus around…and within this…the intent of all the accumulated footage he gathered was to put together a promo for a bunch of major television broadcasters as well as showing the promo at film festivals as like to generate a buzz and create an avenue for making the show a legitimate reality as a physical actuality.

The editing process for the promo video took a bit a year to my knowledge…and I got an update about a month ago about how the promo being shown at various outlet venues as possible opportunity platforms for a potential birth of the tree planting reality show.

Today, my first day off from tree planting in a tiny small town called Wells in British Colombia, I happened to go to the library which just so happened to be open in the afternoon today which is like the only day of the week its open…point being I scored an internet connection which is seemingly scarce in this town that I’m staying in which is without cell phone service and any major stores/corporations/big business.

The dude who is pushing the tree planting promo video to make a tree planting reality show an actuality was online and sent me the promo video. He asked me if I was still on board with being a part of this production and one of the tree planters to be profiled. He’s thinking the show is going to be done with MTV.

And all of a sudden I was like whoa this shit is becoming real…like I had kind of let go of this…as I mean I thought this was a cool concept…and I've been thinking about how maybe this will be my last year tree planting…as id like to get myself into economic stability where I don’t have to tree plant…where I can spend my summers on the golf course instead of in the cut blocks planting trees working long labored days trying to plant as many trees as I am able to maximize my dollars earned for the day as all the cents accumulated from my cents per tree wage production salary.

In the promo I couldn't hear the send because I didn't have my headphones with me and the library computer was set up so it was soundless….so I'm not sure what I said other than seeing clearing myself laughing/smiling/planting a tree/mooning the came with a back shot of my balls in plain view…and making the “A WA OOOOOO AH”  in like slow motion as fun funny sound I like to make.

Ironically, a couple of days ago a fellow planter im working with was trying to recall some ridiculous memories of me from the season he met me, which was about six years ago. I told him of a tale from the first day of the season and the work orientation…which was before  he showed up…as he showed up halfway through the season.

The story I told that I though was pretty funny was how there was so many people working for this company at the pre work orientation that had never planted trees before and there was like 60-80 people in attendance. As the meeting was winding up I had to take a shit…and so I deeked out of the group gathering and headed towards where all the vehicles were parked and went into the land adjacent where all the vehicles were parked…I did this so that when people would start walking back towards the vehicles they would see me perched on a log that I was using a toilet with my ass and cock and balls facing towards them. I wasn't so much thinking I'm trying to show people my cock and balls as I was thinking it would shock and awe people to my shit blasting out of my asshole as I dropped a steamer from a log….lol…dropping a log from a log…lol…I thought this to be particularly funny because many of the new tree planter city clickers had not been exposed to such bush behavior…also in my previous years planting I became aware how shitting was an uncomfortable thing for some people as like fearing to be seen dropping a log from a log…as like going to such an extent that some would walk into the forest to do their business as like to move out of the cut block where there was a potential possibility to be seen from any possible angle…and even more ridiculous to me was the notion that some people would hold off shitting until they were able to use a toilet as like whether that be some sort of out house made at the bush camp or in a permanent building or motel…

So what I'm getting at, is, I was initially like, “what the fuck” when I saw my bare ass exposed within the video promo… as like, of all the footage buddy gathered he decided to pick the moment when I decided to moon the camera.

I told a buddy about this today…and the irony was obvious and apparent to him as he recalled the story I was sharing days earlier.

Funny ass shit.

Lol.

Day 375 Under the Influence Part 3

Day 375 Under the Influence Part 3

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding how easily I can be triggered by words and the way words are spoken with specific tonalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding how I have reactions to particular voice tonalities within words being spoken.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being vulnerable to being influenced by peoples words as like being abused by words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding vulnerability as unavoidable within self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that vulnerability does not have to be a negative thing…like charged and rooted in negativity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having polarized vulnerability within and as wanting and desiring positive experiences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding how I have fueled conflict friction within and as participation of positive and negative energetic reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking I need to control vulnerability…as like becoming numb to vulnerability/sensitivity…and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing vulnerability all the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding how I had created defenses within myself to regulate and control experiences of vulnerability within myself as like numbing myself from sound as like a defense mechanism to prevent myself from being aware of how I am being influenced by word tonalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for abdicating tonality responsibility within and as sound expression/relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been reluctant to investigate all facets of sound tonality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lost within energetic experiences within momnets of reactions as like being under the influence/spell of sound tonality…and within this not realising and understanding that I am the key maker/sound master in uncovering all my sound relationships as like how I have defined and created positive and negative energetic sound tonalities as emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for waiting to take directive action in investigating all my tonalities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding the opportunities to learn by listening to all the sound tonalities I here…and utilising any movements within myself as like indicators/riggers in identifying my particular relationships to particular sound tonalities…and within this I realise the process destinations as equalizing myself as sound here…so I become harmonious sound always as like perfect balanced sound as equality and oneness always as like no more energy fluctuations within and as the starting point of conflict frictions as polarity energies.

I commit myself to studying and investigating my relationships with sound tonalities.

Day 374 Under the Influence part 2

Day 374 Under the Influence part 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fro correlating music/musicians with drug use…and making beliefs/judgments that drugs are necessary component for musicians/rappers in producing music.

I forgive  myself for accepting and allowing myself fro defining all the rappers as blah blah blabberers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for blaming drugs for the music that is here today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making drugs out to be the reasoning fro why and how musicans/rappers were able to come up with the words and sounds they did as like believing that being under some sort of influence is a necessary component in making music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for idolizing SnoopDogg and Eminem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being envious and jealous of SnoopDogg and Eminem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking nasty thoughts about SnoopDogg and Eminem as like thinking they could be doing so much more to be a better influence…as like real voices of support in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for separating myself from SnoopDogg and Eminem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being frustrated and upset with myself and directing my frustration and upsetness away from myself and creating blame towards SnoopDogg and Eminem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to write songs and rap…and develop my music skills and produce messages of support for humanity as like to assist and support the implementation of a new world that can be born within and through the implementation of an equal money system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to be a world leader of influence as like a voice that shares words of support to assist and support a direction that is best for Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to play with what I say in many moments as like sometimes being to serious and uptight as like having a fear within me at moments…as like not wanting to be regarded or judged as offensive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to be offensive…and I realise and understand the absurd ridiculousness of being concerned and worried if some is offended by me…as like having a reaction to the words I speak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing reactions within myself and others…as like not wanting myself to face reactions and not wanting others to have strong reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding the support for self investigation that can come from negative reactions as like the negative reactions are like checking the source coding…and the positive reaction work much the same way…and the point of investigating the positive and negative energy is the same…as the source  of me here as Life is the all encompassing starting point as creation Life force essence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for neglecting to take self responsibility for my words in all ways.

I commit myself to investigating all words within myself…as like to examine the tonalities in how and as I speak each word.

Day 373 Steady Good Work

Day 373 Steady Good Work

Throughout many of the years I have tree planted I have pushed the quality line as like riding the boundary between acceptable and not acceptable quality…as like trying to always push my luck and the limits of what is acceptable…as like not going for perfect work/quality…but just good enough to pass.

Many many times I would be paranoid about my land getting checked as like fearing to hear the bad news that my quality was not acceptable…as like this was always a danger within pushing the limits within riding the line between acceptable and unacceptable.

Today I was really working on just planting good trees…as like to remove the doubt and paranoia from my mind that my trees would be deemed on acceptable quality by the tree checker.

One of the tree checkers today said my trees were looking exceptionally nice today…and that was cool to hear…as like there is a satisfaction within doing good work…and not having worry/paranoia about having to fix the work because of trying tp push the line between acceptable and unacceptable in an attempt to make a little bit more money.

I’ve come to realise and understand that doing solid consistent steady work is better and more satisfying than pushing myself to plant more trees of an inferior quality…as like I have done this many times this year…and many times I have had to re-plant…which is unpaid labor…and this is really ridiculous because I mean I am capable and able to plant great trees all the time…as I have been doing this for nine years…and it’s been a point of greed and ego accepted and allowed within myself that has been justified as reasoning for sacrificing quality of work/trees planted as like potentially making more money if I don’t get caught for having bad quality…and also the bragging rights of being the person who planted more trees than everybody else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for compromising the quality of my work within and as the point of greed and big ego as like wanting more money and wanting to be regarded as the top high baller.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for regarding it to be important to be regarded and defined as better than everyone else at tree planting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding myself as like having always been a bit of a cheater at tree planting within pushing the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable and utilising greed as justification and motivation within making myself believe it is ok to do whatever it takes to be the winner so to speak as like the one who makes the most money and is regarded as the best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding my accepted and allowed self dishonesty within tree planting…as like cheating life really as like compromising a good living for new born baby trees because I have the power in my hands to play a vital role in determining the quality of life for these baby trees I am planting that have enormous potential to grow and have a very long life…so long as they are given proper care and handeling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fro inducing situations of paranoia and fear within being self dishonest as like justifying and motivating my actions from a starting point of greedy self interest as like only being concerned with how much money I can make, regardless of the consequences that result from me making lots of money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fucking with life by disregarding myself as a part of life and always giving my best efforts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being concerned and disappointed if people plant more trees than me…and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been reckless within handling and planting trees as like deliberately not paying attention to the quality of work I am doing as like being blinded by and overwhelmed with accepted and allowed greed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being greedy while tree planting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that I like doing my best work much more than I like doing less than stellar work as like doing less than my best is like accepting and allowing doubt/self-sabotage/self-compromise/self-dishonesty within myself.

When and as I see myself becoming possessed with thoughts of greed, as like thinking about cheating within tree planting by deliberately planting bad trees so that I can make more money, I stop and breathe and I realise and understand myself as the tree that I am considering mishandling and neglecting and disregarding doing everything I can to give a great chance at having a good home for a long life.

Day 372 Living Situation Part 2

Day 372 Living Situation Part 2

So, I see that I was over reacting a little bit about my living situation…within not realising and understanding the status of each tree planters living situation. Not all the rooms are the same…I assumed that the setup was the same in all the rooms and that because there was four of us in this room and I knew of another room where there was only 2 people in a room that was pretty much the same…that four of us were getting a raw deal. Also I see the point that I had resistance to sharing space with three other people as the couple me and my girlfriend are staying with, I didn't really know that well and I made some assumptions/judgments about not wanting nor thinking that I would like to share living space with these people.

Well, I realise I enjoy the people I am staying with, as I realise and understand that the judgments and assumptions I made up within my mind were total bullshit as like a form of logical manipulation…and also that are set up is ok. I see and realise that I was placing myself within a situation of victimization as like feeling like I’m getting screwed over….and the funny thing about this that I was not considering that it was me within my mind as what I was accepting and allowing within my thoughts and emotions that was causing the crazy train mind fuck so to speak.

Today was cool.

There was a few instances today where I was faced with the supervisor and I had thoughts about essentially projecting my emotions about the living situation on to him…and within these moments, I stopped and breathed and I realized that I wasn't still within myself and that I didn't have clarity on this point and that speaking to the supervisor from a point of emotional instability is ludicrous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for placing judgments and assumptions about my new roommates as like thinking I will not enjoy sharing time with them and that I don’t want to share time with them and that I feel burdened because I have to live with these people that I didn't get to choose to live with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for for victimizing myself within my thinking and emotions as like creating paranoid justifications as like fueling unpleasant experiences within myself and within this creating a sense of helplessness as like this is the situation and I'm stuck with it and the only way out of it is to quit and leave the company.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having thought about quitting the company and stopping my work because of fearing and believing that I cannot have this living situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for looking for things to complain about and creates reasoned justifications to be annoyed and upset.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding how I am able to co-exist with others with ease and enjoyment with pretty much effortless satisfaction by not accepting and allowing myself to mentally masturbate within myself as judgment/justification/logical manipulation/doubt/self-victimization/fear/worry.

When and as I see myself getting upset about a situation I am in, I stop and breathe and I realise I am here within this situation and that I am the directive force in determining the outcome of situations I am within and without.

I realise and understand the ridiculousness of resisting to share my time with others.

I realise and understand the ridiculousness of being apprehensive about sharing living space with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted to share my time with others and for thinking that I don’t have time to share with others because I am too busy with my own time that I can’t afford to share any time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being apprehensive about sharing living space with others.

I forgive myself for not realising and understand that I really enjoy sharing time with others as like I really like communicating with others and sharing time together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being self-righteous about living situation within creating belief of self-entitlement as like believing that I shouldn't have to share space with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having not wanted to coexist in sharing living space with roommates.

I realise the ridiculous absurd self-righteous attitude of not wanting to coexist in sharing living space with roommates.

Day 371 Living Situation

Day 371 Living Situation

OK, before I continue my investigative analysis on my previous writing exploration ranting and raving rap…I want to talk about my day today. I’m working as a tree planter for a tree planting company and my employer is providing living accommodations for a fee…and today I moved from one place to another…travelling a few hours by vehicle to get there. It’s a really small town I’m staying in…I’m sharing a motel room with my girlfriend and another couple. I’m not very pleased with the accommodations from the perspective that there are four people sharing a motel room. Each couple shares a bedroom…one of the bedrooms is bigger than the other…which also has a bigger bed…like a queen bed…and the other a double bed. I’m sharing a double bed with my girlfriend. Our fridge isn’t very big and the freezer space is small. In some rooms with the same living space…there is two people in a room. I’m going to inquire about the cost as at the moment it seems as though everyone pays the same camp fees and I’m just a little bitter about the fact that I have half the living space as people who are not in a relationship…like 2 people to a motel room versus 4…in some instances there is 3 people in rooms…like a couple plus a single. At the previous place I stayed…that was our set up…me, my girlfriend, and another planter.

There’s no internet at the motel. Apparently there is some in town elsewhere. I have not yet investigated this.

I think sharing a room should be half the camp costs.

At the moment my food wasn't able to fit in my freezer…fortunately there was room for a few things…in other planter’s freezers who are not sharing space with as many people.

I don’t like complaining and my writing here is a bit of a comparison of my situation to other planter’s situations…and within making the comparisons I’m not super impressed that I have less than the best situation setup/accommodations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting upset about my living situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bothered by my living situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being upset when I see that other people have a better deal than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that I should just focus on the positive thinking as like make a way to justify my living situation as like making a comparison to people in a worse off living situation…and think about how my living situation is better as a way of making myself feel better…and within this I realise the absurd ridiculousness…of allowing myself to get emotional within making comparisons…and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get emotionally upset within making comparisons.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry about my accommodations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that I shouldn’t be angry about my accommodations and that anger is never ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for trying to justify anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making a big deal about my accommodations as like feeling a sense of entitlement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking it’s  bullshit that I should be grateful for my accommodations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having judgements about my accommodations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for regarding a sense of entitlement as a negative thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking about how if I got a better deal…that maybe others wouldn’t have as good of a deal…like my employer would have to spend more money if there was only aloud to be 2 or 3 people to a room.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking about humanity within various living conditions as like super good living conditions coming at the expense of so many humans having really shitty living conditions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking if I speak up about the living conditions…maybe the living conditions could get worse…by the employer saying ok fine…everybody is going to sleep in a campground…because I’m not paying more money for hotels…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing getting a worse deal within speaking up and trying to get a better deal/living accommodation.

I realise and understand that it is my self-responsibility to always speak up when I see a situation/deal/scenario that I regard as not cool/unfair/

I realise the ridiculous absurdity of being silent and saying nothing out of fear of loss.

When and as I see myself resisting to speak in moments where I have something to say as like I see a situation/deal/scenario that is not cool, I stop and breathe and I realise myself responsibility as practical living integrity and dignity to express myself in making a standing in saying I do not support what is not cool…and thus make it known what is not cool…so everyone can know what is not cool…so that only what is cool can remain here as like what is best for life as cool agreements/relations/deals/scenarios/situations

I realise and see myself responsibility in embodying cool as like awesome in all ways…as a means of practical living support as what is always best for living/being here.

Day 370 Under the Influence?

Day 370 Under the Influence?

I just heard some rap music playing in the background and it was Eminem rapping about chewing on some mushrooms as just something to do and within hearing this I thought about how drugs act like a formula for musicians…as like stimulating the mind…and it’s like oh here you go…something to talk about…something to say…how you experiencing yourself now that you’ve taken som drugs…as like words moving within the mind…as like it being the fuel to sing/rap…as like ya there’s all sorts of words within us and the drugs act like an activation point trigger in just sorta spewing out words. I was specifically looking at rapping and how so much of what is said within the rapping is like blabber from the perspective that it’s just blah blah blah about blah blah blah…and shit here I am blah blahing and how blabber is blabbed about within rap…and as a result of initial thinking about Eminem and rapping and taking drugs as like fuel for the mind….I than thought about rapping about issues of changing the world to be a better place…and then I thought about SnoopDogg and how I remember him saying he wants to make music for people of all ages and make songs about a world with no guns…and ya this is SnoopLion actually…well when SnoopDogg was having a press conference about changing his name from SnoopDogg to SnoopLion…and ya within this I was thinking about how I have not heard much about Snoop’s process….and within this I was thinking about how even Snoop is under the influence of like those around him…and I was thinking judgement like nastiness as just thinking the people around him are keeping him gangsta gangsta.

Ok, so my writing here is a bit of a mind ramble ranting and raving and I am going to utilize this a a point of support in investigating myself and how I have been under the influence of Eminem, Snoop, and Drugs.

And just for fun, here’s a freestyle rap

Under the Influence

Like trying to rhyme words’ with influence

Thinking presence, and ingenunce…

But yo ingenunce isn’t a word

Like im trying to make my word rhyme in bring together a rap…

Like I wanna make my words tap

As like on beat

As moving in the seat

As a rhythm and flow

As like a sure go

And so often I result to the words I already know and use repeatedly in making rhymes from time to time

It’s like my tried tested and true

I know how they do

Sure performers as like constant consistency

As I know how effective times with detective

like cheese and cracker

This is a rap about influence

And im feeling like Im making a nuance,,,

Because I stretched myself out and desired for a rhyme with influence to make this rap legit…and I just legged it out …

And wow, like a holdy how in india…I see the dia in a comedian…as like come dia’n…and oh shit im Canadian…and the dia is every where like the diva’s on tv…

Wearing make up

To cover the break ups…

But more like painting the face on as to be sure the image is set as the character presentation…as like you know the clown paint

I tell my girlfriend her makeup is her clown paint….

I made that up…I’ve said to her she’s putting on clown face when she puts on her make up…

Twas just thinking, this rap sure is stinking…

Like Im just spitting out whatever comes up in my mind…while trying to give some sort of insight/direction….

Condom like protection as like a braces on your teeth correction

What Im sharing is influence? And being under the spelling of influence

As how its in the words

Don’t be scurd

Like scared

Because I dared to just go and say

As I play with how I say

What’s in me as influence this day?

And oh shit I react as I write this rhyme time…looking at the simplicity of small word rhymes and thinking…so elementary…

Like the elements are why

So crazy

Like to see our as ‘r’ and are and the crazy is to see “r” A-Z’s with Y

As like to know the why of the a to z as like that’s the crazy as to know crazy is to know the ins and outs of a point as like all the dimensions…as that’s some crazy shit.

I often revert back to the word shit…

And I’m thinking about dinosaur shit as like some real legendary shit..

Coprolites is like the name for dinosaur poo

And yo we be using that shit…extracting that shit that has been around so long brewing in the earth…that it’s now oil….

Not just dinosaur poo makes the oil…but shit…the old shit like dinosaur poo…you know

Fossil fuel….

Whoa shit…so often I connected the word fossil with dinosaur as like seeing dinosaur fossils but I just has a like duh moment where I realise how I wasn’t see all that the word fossil can be connected to within seeing how I had like a thread of connection fossil to dinosaur….but that’s not the only fossil so to speak

And fuck…I’m just yapping at the beat on and on like the merry go round as et myself go on a tangent like being the math formula for spewing out points of influence as my memory connections within me in formulating how I see here my words as like the source codes of me that reflect and represent how and why I’ve been under the influence…and so like a spread sheet I can utilise my words as a toll to walk self correction as in removing formatted coded acceptances and allowances I have on words as like pre conceived conditions….so I can open up the crazy and know my a-z’s within really understanding every word as like all ways always how structure my structures...as the structures structured I utilise as like my resources building blocks as the sound spelling as the spun spell that I put myself under the influence with…

As so I utilise the joke of a free style plant ramble rant muahha bambooz bablle rattal snakapoooodlaaadafabreeeeeeezio like a wimbooooorangatangton

Stay tuned for Investigated Analysis.

Day 369 Noam Chomsky Memory

Day 369 Noam Chomsky Memory

A bunch of years ago I was offended when Noam Chomsky said, “who cares” in reference to who is to blame/is responsible for 9/11 terrorists attacks…and also made a similar point of reference with regards to the assassination of JFK. During this time frame I was studying conspiracies like a religion and the common theme was to position blame as like the main player who is at fault. So when Chomsky said who cares as like what difference does it make if it’s joe, bob steve  or bill..as like the Taliban or the mafia…or the spaghetti monsters…the point being it happened.

What I then did was conspire within my mind that Noam Chomsky must be talking shit…as like how can anyone not point the finger within blame?

I forgive  myself for accepting and allowing myself fro not realising and understanding the brilliance of Noam Chomsky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understand my offense and defense of nature as like existing within and as blame as like being lame in justifying the finger being pointed at another as like being more responsible than any one else…as like a point of debt…as like someone having to pay the heavy tool fee for the consequence of things…as like it seemed like the easy solution and remedy situation…as to pigeon hole someone as the lone culprit while everyone else can be innocent. I realise and understand that within this particular frame of thinking that there is an absence of real problem solving…as like to blame and point the finger is to advert attention away from the problem…myself…as like disregarding myself and others within the equality equation here…and placing the power/responsibility within a few as the consequence of accepting and allowing myself to be lame within blame.

I realise and understand the simplicity of looking at problems and reflecting the point back to myself as the problem as I am the problem and the solution…as like the question and the answer and the reward…and utilizing this premise I create simplistic reasoning to bring about best result responses because I remove blame from the equation and place myself as the source of creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been jealous of Noam Chomsky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for for being Jealous of Noam Chomsky fro being so well regarded and listened to for talking about world problems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring to be a public figure that discusses world problems and brings forth/shares solutions to world problems as simple common sense reasoning based upon placing self within a point of and as directive responsibility as the problem/solution/reward

Day 368 Competition with Peers

Day 368 Competition with Peers

At work I was thinking about how many trees my friend had planted…and when I finished planting my trees I would look to see if my friend was still planting trees or if he had already finished…it’s like I would be pleased if I’m moving faster than my friend and upset if he is moving faster than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about whether or not I plant more trees than my friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid about how many trees I plant in relation to my friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for obsessing within my mind about how my friend is doing planting trees and within this hoping that I’m doing better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being nasty within holding a competition within my mind between me and my friend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making excuses and reasons and justification when my friend plants more trees than me….and when I plant more trees than him enjoy listening to his excuses and reasons and justifications.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding the ridiculousness of wanting my friend to make less money than me by me wanting to plant more trees than him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling better about myself when I make more money than everyone on the tree planting crew.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being paranoid about money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ruled by money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for basing my competition with my friend upon money as like how I feel in relations to money within and as a point of superiority or inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being emotional about money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using my friend to stimulate myself to keep planting and not stop because I want to make more money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking bad things about people who aren’t pushing themselves to plant as many trees as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being self righteous about myself as a tree planter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding how I have existed as a self righteous tree planter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having not wished the best for my peers tree planting…I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wishing my peers to be 2^nd best as like below me…as like placing myself as the best and my peers as less than me….within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being less than my peers by placing myself within desiring to be better than my peers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself from obsessing about values within competition as like how I score within relation to others…as like what is my number compared to another’s number and how can I be regarded as having a better  number.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for valuing myself within numbers as like placing myself worth based upon how I judge and define myself in comparison to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding my apparent goodness is at the expense of another’s badness…as like loss….as like my winning is at the expense of another’s suffering or less than equal result of mine….I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not wanting the best for my beers because within wanting the best for my peers I cannot be above my peers I must be equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a hard time with equality with my peers…as like always finding a way to limit equality and enforce separation within judgement comparison opinions as like verbal abuse within my secret mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having nasty thoughts within my secret mind about my peers as like a point of self-righteousness where me in my mind and superior to others.

Day 367 How to Write Support

Day 367 How to Write Support

Within looking at what I will write about for this blog, I see that there are many different points that I require to look at. I realise the point of writing as a platform of assistance and support in walking self correction…is to write about any point within the day where I had a reaction/thought/feeling/emotion and investigate further…as like correlating the memory experience to what triggered the reaction outflow…and open the point up with self forgiveness. I see that there is so much opportunity to write everyday from the perspective that more than one or 2 thoughts come up within me throughout the day…and this is indicative of my self dishonesty…as I see and realise I have much work to do.

I was somewhat hesitant about beginning this blog as like not sure what point I wanted to write about today…and within this I see that my starting point for looking at what point to write about is unclear from the perspective that it’s like I'm looking and waiting for my thoughts to direct me into  choosing the point for me that I should write about. I see this as like choosing to write from the perspective of being directed on a train of thought…as like not being totally clear within and as directive principle.

I see how I can utilize what comes up within my mind as a point of support as like I can for instance see what I have the most resistance to writing about and write about that as a point of strength training so to speak…as like pushing myself within and as self willed directive principle as facing what I resist seeing that exists within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding how I can use resistance within my mind as a point of support in choosing what to focus my journey to Life blog upon for the day as a point of assistance and support in walking self correction. I realise and understand that sometimes my blog is a direct continuation from the previous day…in that I am continuing where I left off within investigating the topic/point that was opened up the previous day…and within this I see and understand how sometimes a new point opens up for me to investigate and self correct/realign as equality and oneness as a result of thoroughly investigating a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having avoided sometimes going into writing about points where I have lots of resistance and within this…looking for a point to write about where I don’t have very much or any resistance. I realise and understand that I am not really helping myself by avoiding to write about points of resistance and choosing to write about points where there is little to no resistance….I realise pushing a point where there is a little resistance, equal a little support…and pushing a point in writing where there is lots of resistance, equals lots of support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing   myself for not realising and understanding the point of support within taking on points where I have lots resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that using resistance as a tool in writing opens up support I am able to receive from my writing

When and as I see myself having a strong resistance towards writing about a particular point, I stop and breathe and I realise and understand this is an indication of the point that is to be investigated and self corrected as I use resistance as my Life map as the way to get myself closer to Life as realising this is a pit stop destination on the Journey to Life.

When and as I see myself thinking about what to write, I stop and breathe, I look specifically at what I don’t want to write about that happened within my day…as I find the point of friction and Push myself to expose myself to myself I realise and understand how utilising resistance as a measurement indicator in determining what point I should give my immediate attention to.

Day 366 2 Ears and 1 Mouth

Day 366 2 Ears and 1 Mouth

The point came up this morning about people who just talk all the time and don’t really listen to what anyone else has to say.  I identified with this point as I realise how existed within this point in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that perhaps I have 2 ears and one mouth because I should be listening twice as much as I talk…as like a 2-1 ratio.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been resistant to listening to my family specifically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having difficulty listening without speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having wanted to just talk without listening to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising how I had limited my ability to communicate within not considering others as like really listening to what others had to say and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being just concerned about saying my piece and generating reactions from speaking to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for causing conflict within relationships within just wanting to say things without really listening and considering what others had to say…and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not exercising the patience required to listen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that I was speaking more than I was listening as I have been existing within and as energetic reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted to stop myself from speaking from a point of energetic reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding the point of self righteousness as like justifying my free choice to speak from a point of energetic reaction as like it’s my choice to express myself without waiting or stopping the energetic reaction within myself….and within this I realise and understand the absurd ridiculousness of believing I have free choice to speak from a point of energetic reaction…as like I see and realise this as a point of self sabotage./self compromise because really if I remove the choice here…it’s like I WOULD HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO STOP MYSELF WITHIN MOMENTS OF ENERGETIC REACTION AND STABILIZE MYSELF HERE AND PREVENT INSTABILITY AS ENERGETIC FLUCTUATION WITHIN MYSELF AS ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED CONFLICT….THUS I WOULD HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO MAINTAIN A HARMONIOUS EQUILIBRIUM WITHIN MYSELF AS LIKE BALANCED EQUALITY AND ONENESS.

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for choosing to exist within a polarized energetic reactions as like choosing to accept and allow conflict within myself as like dissing the possibility of a harmonious relationship within and as myself here.

When and as I see myself choosing to speak from a point of energetic reaction, I stop and breathe….remove the choice…and realise that by removing the choice as like self-righteous justification to speak from and as accepted and allowed conflict…I am preventing conflict and disharmony from existing within myself and am taking self-responsibility to purify the nature of myself here.

Day 365 Seeing Judgment Within Writing

Day 365 Seeing Judgment Within Writing

Re-reading my previous writing….brought forth judgment as like reacting to seeing the judgment within my words…as like oh shit…should I delete all this stuff….how can I correct myself here?

The word “reserve”

I see how I have defined this as a negative thing and within defining this as a negative thing…correlating reasoning/justification to make sense of judgment as negative.

Within re-reading my words, I notice the point of attaching the actions of “being quiet” with reserve and as like being a negative/bad thing…and also as like a suppression and a hesitation and a lack of fun and funny potential.

Also, I realise how being quiet and listening has assisted and supported me in learning about myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making justifications and excuses how being quiet has been a hindrance of myself here as like a negative thing….and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that I am not learning as much about my coworkers as a result of being quiet and reserve…and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that I have actually been giving myself the opportunity of receiving assistance and support by talking less…as like realising the responsibility within speaking words and not just talking for the sake of feelings and emotions as like to generate/stimulate a particular buzz within myself.

I see how in many incidences I would just communicate as a way of fucking around as like I was uncomfortable to be quiet…as like I got a buzz out of communicating with others…like I could stimulate myself within communicating with others…and just be a joker…as like not really being serious within conveying a particular message per say…but more like fishing for particular reactions as like favorable responses…and I kind of see how in being quiet I am not fishing for particular responses and have thus not been activating particular energy systems within myself that activate the inducing/releasing chemical production within my body that gives me the high experience. This correlates with why I have regarded being quiet as a negative thing…because I haven’t been deliberately inducing and directing a positive experience…as like using my words to labor a particular desired response.

I see how I have been judging myself a joker/comedian as like not being very funny because I haven’t been making myself out to be the center of attention at work…deliberately placing myself in the spot light so to speak as just stirring the pot and talking shit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that in the past in working within the tree planting environment…I deliberately placed myself within the spot light from a point of accepted and allowed inferiority under the guise of superiority within the hopes to build and boost my confidence/self-worth by taking praise and energetic responses from others as like forms of feedback validation that I am cool guy and funny and like the big ego alpha male.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for regarding being careful and cautious of my words as something negative as like a point of fear and paranoia.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding the point of practical support in giving consideration and importance to each word I speak as like a living impact/impression that is here as Life and that my words are my bond so to speak as like how I can be regarded and implored is within the words I use as how I express myself…and within this I see a great deal of responsibility within speaking words…and I see and realise how this is a BIG change for me as someone who just regarded words as whatever…as like giving no real significance and meaning to words as like being brain washed within the nursery tale religious allegory of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”…and within this it’s like free reign was given to me to have no regard for the words I speak to others because it’s not real hurt of pain or abuse that is caused by speaking shit….because “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”

I realise and understand how this was a specific memory implant that shaped the course of my life with regards to communicating words…and it’s interesting because I recall talking to my parents when I was very young after telling them about not liking what some people said in the school yard…I was like 4 years old….and my parents gave me my defense as “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”….and it’s kind of funny in looking back at this particular memory because the next day I was in the school yard utilising my defense by regurgitating the phrase to others…and like becoming the bully on the bully so to speak…by like laughing/making fun of the others…who were saying things to me to get particular reactions from me…and I responded with a knowing that aha you’re not going to get me to react like that because I know something about words that you don’t…and so I ‘ll tell you…and within this…it’s like I see that the words were still causing particular reactions and energies…but I was just utilizing my defense programming so well that I created a strong resistance to being impacted by the words of others…or really having any concern for the words I speak to others at all…because to me…words were just kind of like whatever…I didn’t really understand the implications or the impact or the significance of the imprinting or the life and expression within and beyond words as like living statements/structures made visible. It’s like words were weapons that I used and abused and was abused with but was kind of numb to the whole processing because I wasn’t educated in the formalities/functioning of how I/words work.