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Friday, 14 June 2013

Day 365 Seeing Judgment Within Writing

Day 365 Seeing Judgment Within Writing

Re-reading my previous writing….brought forth judgment as like reacting to seeing the judgment within my words…as like oh shit…should I delete all this stuff….how can I correct myself here?

The word “reserve”

I see how I have defined this as a negative thing and within defining this as a negative thing…correlating reasoning/justification to make sense of judgment as negative.

Within re-reading my words, I notice the point of attaching the actions of “being quiet” with reserve and as like being a negative/bad thing…and also as like a suppression and a hesitation and a lack of fun and funny potential.

Also, I realise how being quiet and listening has assisted and supported me in learning about myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making justifications and excuses how being quiet has been a hindrance of myself here as like a negative thing….and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that I am not learning as much about my coworkers as a result of being quiet and reserve…and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that I have actually been giving myself the opportunity of receiving assistance and support by talking less…as like realising the responsibility within speaking words and not just talking for the sake of feelings and emotions as like to generate/stimulate a particular buzz within myself.

I see how in many incidences I would just communicate as a way of fucking around as like I was uncomfortable to be quiet…as like I got a buzz out of communicating with others…like I could stimulate myself within communicating with others…and just be a joker…as like not really being serious within conveying a particular message per say…but more like fishing for particular reactions as like favorable responses…and I kind of see how in being quiet I am not fishing for particular responses and have thus not been activating particular energy systems within myself that activate the inducing/releasing chemical production within my body that gives me the high experience. This correlates with why I have regarded being quiet as a negative thing…because I haven’t been deliberately inducing and directing a positive experience…as like using my words to labor a particular desired response.

I see how I have been judging myself a joker/comedian as like not being very funny because I haven’t been making myself out to be the center of attention at work…deliberately placing myself in the spot light so to speak as just stirring the pot and talking shit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that in the past in working within the tree planting environment…I deliberately placed myself within the spot light from a point of accepted and allowed inferiority under the guise of superiority within the hopes to build and boost my confidence/self-worth by taking praise and energetic responses from others as like forms of feedback validation that I am cool guy and funny and like the big ego alpha male.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for regarding being careful and cautious of my words as something negative as like a point of fear and paranoia.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding the point of practical support in giving consideration and importance to each word I speak as like a living impact/impression that is here as Life and that my words are my bond so to speak as like how I can be regarded and implored is within the words I use as how I express myself…and within this I see a great deal of responsibility within speaking words…and I see and realise how this is a BIG change for me as someone who just regarded words as whatever…as like giving no real significance and meaning to words as like being brain washed within the nursery tale religious allegory of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”…and within this it’s like free reign was given to me to have no regard for the words I speak to others because it’s not real hurt of pain or abuse that is caused by speaking shit….because “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”

I realise and understand how this was a specific memory implant that shaped the course of my life with regards to communicating words…and it’s interesting because I recall talking to my parents when I was very young after telling them about not liking what some people said in the school yard…I was like 4 years old….and my parents gave me my defense as “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”….and it’s kind of funny in looking back at this particular memory because the next day I was in the school yard utilising my defense by regurgitating the phrase to others…and like becoming the bully on the bully so to speak…by like laughing/making fun of the others…who were saying things to me to get particular reactions from me…and I responded with a knowing that aha you’re not going to get me to react like that because I know something about words that you don’t…and so I ‘ll tell you…and within this…it’s like I see that the words were still causing particular reactions and energies…but I was just utilizing my defense programming so well that I created a strong resistance to being impacted by the words of others…or really having any concern for the words I speak to others at all…because to me…words were just kind of like whatever…I didn’t really understand the implications or the impact or the significance of the imprinting or the life and expression within and beyond words as like living statements/structures made visible. It’s like words were weapons that I used and abused and was abused with but was kind of numb to the whole processing because I wasn’t educated in the formalities/functioning of how I/words work.

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