Day 359 What am I Thinking About?
I asked myself the question, “what is it that I think about
every day that consumes my attention?” I observed my thought processes while
working for a few days….and within this would just let the thoughts go…as I
tried not to participate/react to them too much….within this I noticed…that the
thinking thoughts…was like self-generated/automated within my mind///like they
would just come up….and within this…I noticed how when I would react to the
particular thoughts…with emotions and feelings…I would like lose my awareness
of myself movement within the work I was doing…and maybe make a fuck up…as like
a loss of focus on the task at hand.
I noticed I would have difficulty in really pushing the
point of self-forgiveness on whatever I was thinking about….like often I would
find it easier to just try to forget about what I was thinking about…and just
do nothing so to speak…..and well obviously it is easier to do nothing than it
is to do something. The point comes up in me now, “to forgive and forget is the
way” as like forgetting without forgiving is like doing nothing about something
that is there to be cleaned up later…as like putting the mess under the rug to
just hide it from plain sight and forget about the point. I see how I have been
using this tactic very much within my day to day living…as like really doing
the labor of self-forgiveness only applies when I justify it so to speak as
like believing certain circumstances to be of dire necessity while disregarding
the application of self-forgiveness in many other instances because of avoiding
seeing the desire necessity to ‘forgive and forget everything’.
I noticed the primary point of my thinking is about other
people…and what are they thinking about….like how do they judge me….or what are
my judgments of them….and I mean this comes about in an array of ways…as like
I noticed my thinking thoughts will be enacted on some of the most recent
memories that were imprinted in me the day before…or a couple days before…and
if there were similar memories for many days in a row…that is insurance almost
that I am going to recycle thoughts in accordance with the memory impressions I
stored within myself as like the reactions/judgments I have about each
particular memory and like what are all the thoughts/ways of thinking that
exist within me about each particular memory impression….and within this I see
that my ways of thinking thoughts….are like the accumulation of my acceptances
and allowances over time….so like I mean the mind processing automation is
extensive.
This brings me to the point of dire necessity in realising
the practicality in taking responsibility for all my thinking.
This point has been realised by me before…like many
times….it’s just I haven’t lived the realisation fully…as it’s like I’m always
trying to get out of work…as self-forgiveness is a full time job….and I’ve been
participating within self-forgiveness on a casual to part time basis.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
neglecting to push the point of self-forgiveness at work where I have a unique
opportunity at work in that I am working by myself primarily all day with only
a little bit of interaction within others….and within this I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself for fearing being approached by a co-worker while
I am speaking self-forgiveness aloud while in the midst of planting trees as my
labored vocation for the next couple months.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not
realising and understanding how ridiculously absurd as like insane it is to
just dismiss my thoughts without doing anything about them….as like forgetting
without forgiving….I realise and understand the desire necessity of forgiving
all my thinking as within forgiving myself I am gifting myself with assistance
and support that may seem unknown prior to application….as I have tested the
application of self-forgiveness and I know it is the real deal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for
avoiding taking on self-forgiveness as a lifestyle commitment as like a who and
how I am all the time kind of things as like making self-forgiveness full and
through as like within and without a part of me as living application
necessity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using
self-forgiveness only causal to part time as like believing labored self-forgiveness
to be too difficult to be an actuality of an all the time running application
within my day to day practical living. I realise and understand that self-forgiveness
as a tool of support is able to be incorporated into me as an all the time
running application tool of assistance and support as like a virus cleaner to
insure the eventuality of myself as a virus free mind. I realise and understand
that without running the virus cleaner/sweeper all the time as the application
tool of self-forgiveness….that clearing
my mind of all thoughts is impossible…because….I’ve come to see and realise how
automated my mind is in forming thought processes and that fixing my mind is a
full time job because my mind doesn’t sleep as it’s running it’s applications
within consciousness all the time….and so here I see how I take on
responsibility to equalize myself with my mind by utilising self-forgiveness as
the great equalizer as like bridging the gaps that exist within automated
thinking/thought as I realise and understand that I release myself from bondage
to thought through and as self-willed movement as self-forgiveness
When and as I see myself tree planting and a thought comes
up within me...I stop and breathe, I direct myself to speak self-forgiveness
aloud in relation to the thought as I realise the unique opportunity I have to
make self-forgiveness a full time job by simply incorporating the application
of self-forgiveness to full time self-movement while I physically move myself
within the labored applications of tree planting….and within this I realise and
see the parallels of support within applying self-forgiveness and tree planting
as like self-forgiveness is like tree planting in a way because it’s very much
a giving of life…as planting a tree is a giving of life to the ground/earth…as
both are formations of equality and oneness as sound physical connection as life
force essence here.
When and as I see myself resisting to move myself within
speaking self-forgiveness aloud while tree planting, I stop and breathe and I
realise the resistance as fear and I realise and understand it is ridiculous
for me to fear/worry about being caught/found out/heard speaking self-forgiveness
aloud while tree planting….and within this I realise and understand the irony
here as like not wanting to be caught speaking self-forgiveness aloud keeps me
imprisoned within my own mind….and that’s bizarre really because I’m working on
getting out of accepted and allowed self-containment as mind imprisonment…yet that
which I resist, persists….and it’s like wow aha I see the joke of me as like
the ridiculous absurd nature of fear that keeps me within self-imposed
restraints as I create and accept and allow the various levels of
resistance…and that with patience breath by breath and I am able to break all
barriers of restraints as pushing resistance and I breath out as like in the
out breath I speak out self-forgiveness as a self-willed movement of taking
action to walk self-correction in limit abuse/suffering.
I realise and understand the in breath as the beginning of
self-responsibility as like where and how and who I am in standing as equality and
oneness and that it is within the “in” breath that dictates results/exemplifies
the out breath as the cycle of as within so without….as without is so within…as
this is seemingly common sense simplicity of give and receive one and equal as
like the life and death connection as like removing the separation between life
and death. An eternal relationship of give and take…take and give as like the
song of equality and oneness that ends only to begin…and begins to only end as
that which is always best as like the song that never ends because it goes on
and on my friend as some people started living it…and the continued living just
forever….because this is the song…
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