So, I've smoked many ciggarettes and I've had lots of positive feelings about smoking cigarettes...and I stopped/quit smoking cigarettes many different times to show myself I was capable and able to do so...yet I never really closed the door on cigarettes...because it was always just, ok I'll stop for a bit or awhile but I'm not letting totally go,...why should I?
The cost of cigarettes is reason alone not to smoke. The price of cigarettes is ridiculous. It's even more ridiculous that I would pay for cigarettes when I am quite fine without cigarettes.
The more I would smoke cigarettes....the more I would like to smoke cigarettes. Every time I stopped and started again...it's like I would get back into habitual use.
I didn't believe all the information about smoking...I figured if I was going to smoke than believing that smoking is going to fuck me up is pretty stupid. I believed the effects cigarettes had on a person's body was linked to a person's attitude/beliefs about smoking.
I defined smoking as cool and awesome and fun and enjoyable.
I connected positive feelings and positive feeling memory experiences to smoking.
When I would stop smoking initially it was difficult because I would be triggered sometimes by seeing people smoke...or thoughts as backchat would comeup and I would have a strong urging feeling to follow through with the train of though. Through these experiences I learned how easy it is to choose to indugle in a mindfuck as a moment of weakness. Also, However, I learned that it is quite easy to let go of temptation as mind fuck craving indulgence by just letting the thought go. What's interesting about this all, is that I noticed the process of smoking or not smoking boils down to a choice,...do I want to make commitment to smoke or not smoke.
I decided to write this blog series as a way of support and assistance for anyone who is battling addictions.
My relationship with cigarettes was kind of funny in that every time I stopped for awhile...after while...I would get curious about having a smoke...or what it would be like to have a smoke. And everytime I followed my curiousity it's like I went back into the habitual pattern of smoking...and what was interesting abou it is that...i would go through the whole process again...like smoking daily habitually for awhile before I was like ok, lets cut this out. I knew I was fucking with myself because I figured I would make a total commitment to myself to stop smoking cigarettes...but I was just making temporary stops...like I wasn\t going full out with my commitment...and I knew that because I wasnt going full out with my commitmnet that I was essentially fucking with myself and looping within this pattern of smoking/not smoking untill I changed mny behaviour and made a full out commitment.
I see that I've been ridiculously righteously absurd in having deliberately fucked with myself on a point of habitual addiction indulgence. I justified such behaviour as testing myself.
I've already made the decision to quit smoking for the rest of this life, so I don't think that this will be difficult at all...because I am aware to a certain extent how my mind works and how I have chosen to particpate within mindfucks in the past. I've decided to write this blog for 21 days because in the past I found that following a stopping of a point of addiction dependency for 21 days to be helpful as like the triple 7 winning way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck with myself about quitting cigarettes as like quitting but without actually making a commitment to quit smoking cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define cigarette experiences with positive feeling associations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a flux of emotion/feeling to cigarette use as like cigarettes being like a mood regulator...like a baby sucking on the tit or the soother.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependent on having cigarettes to soothe myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating cigarettes as a physical comfort.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use cigarettes as a point of stress/anxiety relief.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at people who talk shit about cigarettes and tell me that it's bad that I smoke.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a smoker.....and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate smoker with rebellion and cool, and fun, and awesome and enjoyable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a ridiculous relationship with smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the relationship I had with cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for attempting to over indulge in cigarettes in an attempt to become mad/disgusted at/with cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having made a big deal about cigrarettes as like investing alot of feeling and emotion in relationship to cigarettes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that people who don't ever smoke are less cool.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing being a non smoker.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having desired to be defined by smoking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used cigarettes to surpress fears within myself.
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