I hesitated about keeping the title as is...I considered taking the word "fucking" out of the title as like I felt it made the title more offensive...and I guess I slightly offended myself...and I thought, well shit will sound less bad if I take out the word "fucking." Upon re-reading my post from yesterday I thought about how everyone is essentially born a loser or like born to be a loser as consequence of the parents being losers and therefore having a real loser environment to grow up in. I mean our shared reality is full of losers....that's why winning is so important...because it's to get that temporary escape from being a loser....fucking pathetic system structure we have...a definite loser system...I mean anyone who is perceived and regarded as a big winner here as like someone who has billions of dollars,...is a really big loser....like fuck, to have so much when so many have so little and to not do everything with the winnings as money to speak about what a loser system we have...well makes one a big loser most definitely.
So, in opening up this blog series I'm recognising how I've been a fucking loser. I was so resistant to even consider the point that it even possible to conceive myself as having been a fucking loser. Also, admitting the fact that I've been a fucking loser.....I was very resistant towards as like.....fuck, I'm exposing myself in such a brutal manner, like people will know and be able to say that I've been a real fucking loser....like shit, people who have always regarded me as cool may be like what the fuck is going on with me...like nobody calls themselves out for being a fucking loser. Like what the fuck.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/think it is so cool to call myself out for being a loser as like a path of redemption as like a gift giving to myself as to so make amends within myself as to take resposnibilility in exposing points of total fuckedness particpations.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being resistant to the words, "being a fucking loser"....as like whoa, don't go there...find a nicer way to put things into perspective...soften up a hard truth.
ok, continuing from my previous post:
Alcohol....I thought all was cool with alchol...like I felt like I belonged while drinking with others...like there was a sense of comradery...we were all sharing in the fuckedness together. Alcohol was an excuse, justification for feeling goood.,,,as like a raw energy drink. I regarded alcohol as liquid courage...I realised withinin myself I was shy sometimes...like timid to say shit sometimes...and alcohol...was like a push/pull to just fucking do what I was resistant/hesitant about doing...so I believed anyways. Alcohol was strongly related to sex for me...as like the point of liquid courage was related to girls/women...I wanted more communication with girls/women and alcohol seemed like the social lubricant to make this happen effortlessly. It's like everyone drinks alcohol in socially as a social lubricant...as like to make relations easier going...like there's already too much tension and it's a way to cut back the stress and tension temporairly. I learned that it was easier for me to make out with a girl who was drunk than a girl who wasnt drunk when I was in my early twenties....and to go further....I mean, having sex with a girl I just met seemed way more probable if we had both been drinking....it's like our defenses were down and both of us interested in satisfying good feelings as like chasing the positive energy high.
Since I've quit drinking....so many people have said to me, "that's great, good for you".....and so many people have also justified drinking as being good and ok as like justifiying alcohol by saying I don't do it that often and I only do it to have a good time, like it's a social thing....and i enjoy having just a few drinks...and there's nothing wrong with that" It's like everybody knows alcohol is fucked and that's why it gets defended and justified because it's a major addiction here. If everybody on the planet was coool as fuck, nobody would be drinking alcohol. It's like because everybody's a fucking loser....it's regarded as cool to get loser drunk.
Peer pressure was a bit of an issue for me when I began to realise the fuckedness of drinking alcohol. As this was kind of a slow process for me because I wanted to fit in with everyone I was hanging out with. Like I would be at a party and everybody was drinking and I wouldnt bring any booze...but people would offer me some....and so I started off with the attitude as like alcohol is kind of fucked and Im not going to waste my money on it anymore,,,but I'll drink it if someone gives me a drink to be social and to accept the gift giving. I played this attitude up for a while....which was interesting because...people would always give me alcohol wherever I went...like at the pub/club/party/bar/guests house.....I kind of took advantage of this for a little while...as like wow...people want me to drink...i dont even after to pay for...like because I dont care about having it people want me to have it...i'll take the free offering and enjoy and appreciate the free offerings.
I liked getting free drinks because I could sip my drink and I had something to hold on to as like to say I belong here, Im part of the group of losers here...I with stupid.
I started smoking cigarettes as a way to mingle with girls/women. I thought it was easier to meet girls/women at the bars/clubs in the smoking section on the pattio because it wasnt as loud and as crowded and as dark as inside the pub/club. It was way easier to engage conversation...and having a smoke or asking someone for a smoke or a light was an ice breaker converstaion that was effortlessly easy...and so my indulgence to smoking began as a precursor to meeting women.
Part 3 of Being a Fucking Loser will continue tomorow, I will elaborate on some alcohol stories and discuss the smoking point a little more and how this all corelates with smoking marijuanna.
Ok, a few self forgivenesses as like a few gifts for self here...lol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to not realise and understand how not cool drinking alcohol is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have feared telling people how fucked dumb drinking alcohol is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play along with the beliefs that partying through the use of consuming alcohol is cool.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to hurt people's feelings who drink alcohol...as like not wanting to offened them or upset them by saying that drinking alcohol is for the mentally depressed losers.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bothered by mentally depressed losers.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise and understand myself as mentally depressed loser as consequence of my relationship with alcohol as like a feel good buzz.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thought I was so cool drinking alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to brag about drinking alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having thought alcohol cant be reall bad if almost all adults drink alcohol atleast a little bit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise, understand or consider that the relationship with alcohol existent within humanity is like that of winners and losers...where most people are required to be losers for winners to exist as beneficiaries of all the losers,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify drinking alcohol because I like the taste.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame alcohol for fucked up consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a big deal about alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use alcohol within the starting point of abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard alcohol as like a medicine potion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation as consequence of addressing the fuckedness of alcohol abuse and for exposing the root causes of alcohol abuse being a consequence of mental disorders as like various forms of being a fucking loser....as a boozer is always a sure loser.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself within my writings here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judgement as consequence of exposing the brutal truth as the fuckedness of alcohol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned about my use of the word fuck and fucking and fuckedness as like means of expressing my words as a message in a certain manner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being a fucking loser.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be offeneded and fearful of exposing the brutal truth of myself here.
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