important shit

Monday, 15 April 2013

Day 311 Being a Fucking Loser






I had thought many times that anyone who gets depressed is like stuuuupid, dumb and like a total loser as consequence of their own creation. Today, I heard someone say something along the lines of, "depression is for losers or only losers get depressed." This struck a nerve with me as this was something I in the past would project as like depression just seemed so ridiculous to me and that medicating for depression was like a short term solution for a long term problem that will only compound...like a form of bullshit coping...like sweeping shit under the rug...you know because the shit is under the rug and so you dont see it a feel better because it seems like its gone...but it's still there and it's a mess under the rug that's gonna have to be dealt with eventually...and it's like with the continued use of medication it's like a continuing to sweep shit under the rug. It's like wanting to get rid of the weeds in your garden and you just cut the stems off at ground level without going below the surface as like digging on the roots as the burried shit that needs to be pulled out.

What I'm getting at here is coping mechanisms don't necessairly have to be medicated drugs for which you have a presccription for. Like for instance alchol and sugar are popular mood altering substances. Tobacco/nicoteine and mariuanna are also mood altering substances. Cocaine, ecstasy, magic mushrooms and acid are also mood altering substances.

When I was younger and I had though many times that anyone who gets depressed is like stuuupid, dumb and like a total loser as consequence of their own creation....I wasnt considering myself within the equation as someone who was indulging  in all the substances mentioned above with my personal favourites being tobacco/nicoteine, marijuanna and sugar. all of these substances were consumed in copius amounts with the exception of acid...I have only done a small hit of acid once.

 I viewed experimenting with drugs and alcohol as part of of growing up and being adventurous and also because I regarded myself as a detective and that through indulging in various substances I would learn about myself in the process. Like I'm my own science experiment.

I regarded coolness in accordance with adventure and exploration and therefore that meant me being the eptiome of cool by always being ready to party...regarding myself as a party wherever I go,,,as like I'm always a party of one and if anyone else is with me it's a group party...either way, Im the party and Im always at the party because I'm here and ready for whatever. Like always down/up for a goood time.....notice how I say down/up for a good time...as like substance indulging for a good time is with uppers or downers.....I liked weed so much because it was the only drug I was aware of that was medically classified as all three categories of drug...which are stimulant, depressant, and halucinogenic....I regarded weed as my medicine as like smoking weed gave me whatever I needed it for...as like if  my mind needed a boost...i'd get a boost...if I needded to slow down...it'd be a downer...and I fucked with my perception of things sometimes too...and weed was always what would kick start any magic mushroom indulgences as like I felt that after eating a bunch of mushrooms the way to blast off on to the mushroom high was to smoke a big joint about 30-45 minutes after eating the mushrooms.

I was competive about substance abuse...I didnt really regard what I was doing as abuse at the time...as it was all about adventure/exploration and pushing and expanding my limits/tolerances/boundaries.

Sugar was first heavy drug indulgence.....you know salt maybe equally as in there as sugar....as like I would mow through potatoe chips and cheezies by the hand full as a little kid...and ya I would guzzle my pop and juices and I would go to the store to get candy when every I was able to pretty much...and in elementary school I would trade kids for the most sugary snacks in replacement of fruits/vegetables/home made snacks. My halloween candy never lasted very long....it's like I would binge on it soo hard untill it was all gone.

Go figure that when I started drinking alcohol...I got really agressive with my intake. I got into drinking hard liquor over lower percentaged alcohols like beer because I looked at the potency ratings as like the more percantage strength...the more power potentially for me to indulge to access...my thinking was that I will get better buzzes with the stronger stuff. I didnt know my limits and learned alot of hard lessons. I regarded this all as kind of cool and funny as like making for cool stories to tell about my ridiculous antics/adventures/encounters and that these would make for all sorts of great stories I would have....and I bought into this attitude more and more after sharing some of the initial consequences of actions with others....or that others told others about conbsequences of my actions because they were around to witiness my ridiculousness. seems kind of like I really enjoyed the attention of being ridiculous and making a seen.

Part 2 of this new blog series, 'Being a Fucking Loser' will continue tomorrow where I will continue within exposing the prominent points within and as my fascination with alcohol as like a medicine for me as like a liquid courage and I'll go from there into what happened next.

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