important shit

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Day 148 How Am I Existing Here?


How am I exisitng here comes from first asking the question of who am I existing here and within looking at who I am...I see how I am existing here within acceptances and allowances.

Seeing how I am existing here as who I am requires brutal self honesty because the honest truth of self being here is brutal.

As I've begun to let go of my desired and preffered self automated energy buzz, process is difficult as I am stopping the polarity friction of energy within myself.

Today was hard work.

At the moment I do not see an end of hark work in sight.

Ironically, all day amidst the hard work, I was hoping for relief as like a definitive end to the hard work which is me here as process.

Within and as hard work I have realised that wanting relief from hard work is like me looking for an escape as like an excuse to not have to's like I fear not being able to do easy work and being free from hard work.  And within this previous statement, ridiculousness is exposed as me accepting and allowing myself to make easy work hard by accepting and allowing difficulty within moving through resistance.

What's ridiculous about this easy/hard work analogy is that it's entirely self induced and it's egomania.

some examples to give further perspective:

1) For the past 8 springs/summers I worked as a piece rate production tree planter.  The work has been easy at times and difficult at times...and what's interesting about this is that the work wasnt really that difficult in the beginning...maybe slight difficulty in the sense that my body goes through a metamorphosis as like strength training a variety of muscles within myself that prior to tree planting do not get anywhere near the exposure and usage that they do while playing/participating/working as a tree planter.

Within this phase of body metamorphosis I had bought into the idea that tree planting is extremely difficult...and I started listening to people that were saying that it's extremely hard work. I liked the idea that I am doing extremely hard like ya...I am great because I am able and capable and specifically choose to do extremely hard work that is so physically demanding.

Within taking on this ideology about tree planting...I began to experience intense resistance to doing the work.  It's like it became so dificult for me to move the point where I would say, 'fuck it..fuck tree going to take a nap...or I would rather be somewhere else doing something else'...and I would stop working and mentally masturbate within thought about what I was imagining I rather be doing instead of tree planting...or I would smoke weed and forget about this massive resistance I had been creating.

Note: I realise I created self induced suffering/misery as consequence of feeding ego with beliefs of superiority as like to create myself as better than and more than. And this is ironic because it's like I casted a spell upon my abilities to perform my job well because of the way I was speaking as the worker I am.

It was in my 6th and 7th seasons of tree planting that I realised I had actively self been self sabotaging myself within past seasons...I would say after my 3rd season is when I started to create slef imposed limitations on my abilities...and it was so stuuupid...I mean I was performing the best...and I got caught within my own self righteous like I wanted people to really know how great I I bought into the belief that my job is soooo hard.....and fuck...i became the experience of my work as sooooo hard....and you's like from the beginning I was always pushing through the resistance....and than it's like pushing through resistance became easy for me...and...than slowly but surely it became more and more difficult...untill I said im done mind fucking myself....and's like wow I had gotten so accustomed to mindfucking myself into such exstensive resistance....that moving through this resistance has been quite the process. As like pushing the point of resistance is more obvious thant it has ever been and that I reap the rewards as benefits for accepting and allowing myself to move through and therfore release accepted and allowed resistance.

It's like it becomes harder to really fuck yourself into oblivion when you are aware of the choices you are making as like it becomes an I know what I got to do....I fucking got it...I understand.

Within this there's still been a few times where I delibeeratley fucked myself by giving into emotional possessiveness as like not willing myself to push through accepted and allowed resistance...and I suffered the consequences accordingly.

I've realised consequence really fucking sucks....and that avoiding facing consequences in the sense of denying and deflecting seeing self created consequence is stupidity as what happens is a bigger mess is created because it was self accepted and allowed that the created mess want big enough and therfore the message of change as self realisation as self perfection into practical application wasnt totally realised and therfore consequential time loop results.

2) Upon finishing tree planting this summer i decided to extend my work season and I worked into the fall as a labourer cleaning up an oil spill and as a labourer doing water and sewer systems work.

I fucked with myself a few times within both of these jobs as consequence of accepting and allowing egomania.  Both jobs were easy as fuck.  So easy that I accepted and allowed myself to take the time and focus and awareness away from work to actively take on self destructive work as to fuck myself im the most unpleasant ways by creating judgements and comparisons about the jobs in relation to other things and also going into the point of righteous superiority in that im better than this and im not being challenged enough....and it's really funny because I made up mental challenges that did not need to exist...and so I created hardship as like pitty as like self I accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself within energy possessive states of mind as lows and highs as like I wasnt getting the message as the mess I was creating. 

Fortunately within these two jobs I had been writing regularly and applying self I didnt allow myself to stay stuck for too long as I allowed myself to unfuck myself so to speak...and I shared my accepted and allowed ridiculousness with my co-workers as like a form of stand up comedy...and this is great fun to do.

To sum up my blog into some words of awesomeness here:

Practical Living is making the deicision to make the best choices always as the best choices are best for everyone and  this makes us as practical living example as awesomeness here.

What's cool about making the decision to make the best choices is that when we realise we made a decision/choice that was less than the best....we are easily able to correct our choice/decision and face the consequences with we've proven to ourselves effective at releasing disease.

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