Day 46, Hipster Dufus

The it's all good, man attitude.

Stoner, hipster, goofing around...cool attitude...happy....long hair...goofy.



There's a dude in camp whop fits this mold more than others I'd say and I've had nasty thoughts about him...well ya...nasty in the sense...that I think of him as a hipster dufus...and thoughts of making fun of him or making fun of him to others/in front of others...brutal shit.

Irony of this writing is this dude reflects me as Ive existed as a Hipster Dufus

So, why is the point of Hipster Dufus coming up in my mind and \i'm projecting hate/resentment towards this dude? What's he showing me?

He's showing me, Me!  It's like I see being a Hipster Dufus as something I used to be...and I've judged myself/it as bad/stupid/naive/what the fuck...and at the same time, I recall having lots of fun as a hipster dufus.  It's like the carefree attitude picture presentation and a little bit of attention seeker too...and I've expressed that point too and enjoyed it and I see this dude expressing all these points that i'v expressed and I'm not expressing them right now and wow, it's like i'm pissed at myself...a bit angry for suppressing them and i'm projecting that anger at this dude in pointing the finger at him and calling him a hipster dufus as a negative thing because im angry and have resentment within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding onto guilt and remorse and shame for having existed as a hipster dufus and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding a grudge against myself for having been a hipster dufus and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding a grudge against this hipster dufus.

I forgive myself for not realising that each being I see is showing me parts of me and the beings I have strongest reactions to are exposing points that are most suppressed within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing the hipster dufus in me and for being upset and angry with myself for holding onto regret as my past acceptances and allowances and for judging hipster dufus with negative energies as emotional inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for associating the hipster dufus with weed smoking and for doubting that I was a hipster dufus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring to smoke weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting to believe that smoking weed is ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that smoking weed is fucked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being angry at myself for having smoked sooo much weed and for fucking with myself for smoking so much weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I smoked sooo much weed and for holding a d grudge against myself for the way I behaved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying the goodness weed has been for me and blocking out the fuckedness of abusing weed extensively by having smoked it several times a day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking i'd like to smoke weed again...but I shouldn't.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making a big deal about weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate who I am as being dependent upon whether or not I smoke weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for abusing marijuana.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for missing being happy all the time as a result of getting stoned/high all the time and I forgive myself for not realising that my happiness was dependent upon getting high all the time and therfore not real...FAKE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for reacting to the fact that I'm not happy with anger/irritation within myself and just want to get high to forget about self suppression's so that I can think everything is all gooood , man.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for considering abdicating self responsibility as process of self realisation and just get high...because facing myself with brutal self honesty is brutal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for blaming/projecting blame upon weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger/irritation exposed after realizing that I was smoking weed all the time to be happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for defining anger as negatively charged and bad/awful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting looking within myself as accepted and allowed anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself as bit of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anger to consume me as emotion.


why am I angry?

self exploitation, self abuse, self sabotage, self delusion

How?

self righteousness personality competition complex

Importance? Winning, being the best....self interest from the perspective of survival as like who cares about the others so long as I win...focus on me at the expense/sacrifice of others loss/being defeated.

I can recall writing , "i'm the best n the world" all over my binders at school.

In grade 6 it was very important to me that I win male athlete of the year. ( There were 2 male athletes of the year winners and a bunch of runners up...each winner was picked from each grade 6 class...there were some better athletes in the other class...better than me...But I was the best in my class...So I won the award...was recognized as male athlete of the year...I was very proud {self righteous} about this and the fact that my name was on a plaque hanging at the front of the school and I liked the fact that people would see my name and know I won male athlete of the year.

What was 1st competitive competition I experienced?

T-ball.  I liked to be the last batter with the pressure on me to hit a grand-slam so that everybody could run home and I could be praised as the hero/winner/savior...and crowd/parents give me a big cheer of recognition of accomplishment and success.

sooo many other sports and games I played I was fiercely competitive about and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

Played put the nose on the clown at third birthday...same premise as pin the tail on the donkey...watched video of this a few years ago and I can recall not winning the game and that I was shocked that I didn't win...like I wasn't even close to getting the nose on the clown...and I remember being so like what,..how could this happen...how could I not do perfect at the game...

smoked weed competitively...would say, 'put me in a weed smoking competition and we'll run out of weed'

Everything I have ever participated in has either been competitively or reluctantly ( just had thought)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking everything I have ever participated in has either been competitively or reluctantly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing seeing the possibility/fact that everything I've ever participated within has either been competitively or reluctantly.

competitive because I want to participate and reluctantly because I don't want to participate

So, what? "it's all fun and games...everyone is just a participant here" ..."not about winning and losing"

Self support as participant here for fun and games and work to support the maintenance and nourishment of fun and game.

Fun at the expense of loss/another...what the fuck! This equals self delusion, self sabotage, self exploitation and self abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self delusion, self sabotage, self exploitation and self abuse.

I forgive myself for not realising anger within me was linked to self delusion, self sabotage, self exploitation and self abuse as a result of scoring results as a competitive competition personality complex based in self righteousness

I realise anger within me was linked to self delusion, self sabotage, self exploitation and self abuse as a result of scoring results as a competitive competition personality complex based in self righteousness


I realise that each being I see is showing me parts of me and the beings I have strongest reactions to are exposing points that are most suppressed within myself.

When and as I see myself indulging in thought, I stop, I breathe and I look at the point of competitive competition personality complex based in self righteousness and I hold myself still in breath....realise the ridiculousness of accepted and allowed participation... diffuse/release any anger...look at myself from within as the simplicity of oneness and equality as simple life awesomeness...one life here...all as one as equal