Day 41, Explosive Diarrhea

Day 41, Explosive Diarrhea

So I’ve been experiencing explosive Diarrhea in tree planting camp...and today was the most intense it’s been.

I asked myself why so much formless shit? I wondered am I not processing shit effectively...like knowledge and information...Is this a backlog effect of sooo much compounded and suppressed emotional shit...like I’ve been just denying my feelings/emotions...yet they’re  there...I see the point of brutal self honesty as not denying feelings/emotions...it’s like I’ve realised the point of fuckedness as feelings/emotions...and I’ve tried to avoid participating in them...yet it seems like at moments I’ve had reactions to thoughts/feelings/emotions...and because I see this as fucked...I’ve attempted to deflect/deny/suppress them by ignoring them.

What points keep reoccurring?

-trapped in relationship

-movement/living limited because trapped by commitment I made to be in relationship

-Thoughts just living for me...like skiing/snowboarding...travelling doing stand up comedy

-Money, Grudge...linked to girlfriend...excuses/justifications/denial/blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and experience restraint/be restrained/trapped in relationship.

I forgive myself for not realising I created self imposed restraint/trap upon myself and therefore I know how to release myself from restraint/traps because I created restraint/traps...and therefore I cannot whine or complain and make excuses that I am stuck or bound or trapped...

I forgive myself for not realising that I’ve felt limited in movement and expression because of the relationship Ive accepted and allowed within myself as mind participations and that It is my responsibility to stand as self as self agreement within myself as equality and oneness and thus transcend relationship within myself as polarity conflict friction as accepted and allowed judgement/fear/self compromise/self imposed limitation/blindness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being stressed and emotionally distraught because of beliefs that I am trapped and stuck within the desire to escape my relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring to escape, run and hide from and as my relationship with myself and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting facing my accepted and allowed relationship within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress/deny/deflect thoughts/feelings/emotions from within myself from the starting point of fear of being brutally self-honest with myself by allowing myself to see with real eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for existing within denial/suppression/justifications/excuses/blame as reasoning for being scared to see with real eyes as self realisation in and as every moment here.

I forgive myself for not realising how I self compromised myself by placing myself under self imposed restraints...I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding onto a grudge against myself and projecting my grudge as being against my girlfriend as a point of blame/justification/deflection/denial/suppression/excuse as reasoning for self imposed limitation as suppression and fear of facing the totality of thoughts/feelings/emotions

I forgive myself for not realising how lame I’ve been in denial as accepted and allowed suppressions and for not realising in totality that I am the key of me as my key always to opening up and realising awesomeness as real living here in the physical and that I do not require to escape /sneak around because I hold the key to opening up and accessing everything as the living realisation I am everything and nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing commitments I make to be viewed as self imposed traps/limitations of self suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for treating self honesty and self trust...self expression as like a trap...limiting self deception as self dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel less trapped when I believe I have the decision to chose between  self-honesty and self dis-honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-honesty to be a choice.  Self honesty is who I am becoming...I am in process of facing self-dishonesty/self deception

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for worrying about self honesty as self commitment...and therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being frustrated with fear as thoughts/feelings/emotions/judgements in being self honest with myself in every moment

I forgive myself for not realising the ridiculousness of trying to cope and be cool with fear/thoughts/feelings/emotions within myself

I forgive myself for suppressing fear/thoughts/feelings/emotions as trying to cope and present coolness to others.

I forgive myself for not realising the self imposed self dishonesty in trying to cope and present coolness to others.

I forgive myself for not realising that I do not require trying and presenting coolness to others because coolness is who I am as brutal self honesty.  Brutal self honesty is cool.

I forgive myself for suppressing fear/thoughts/feelings/emotions within myself and invoke fear of loss within myself and desire to win as obtaining lots of money.

I forgive myself for not realising money as a tool of support.

I forgive myself for not considering the process/work involved in order to enable myself to have free time to ski and do contracted stand up comedy and travel and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting the work involved that will enable me to have free time ski and do stand up comedy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising that I am carving my own fresh tracks as creating a path for myself that will enable me to have free time to ski and do stand up comedy and that I forgive myself for forgetting about the process I am walking to enable myself to reap the rewards/benefits as result of carving my own path.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be competitive about money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear to exist within my relationship to agreement with money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for coping with money earned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared to live as a result of losing money and going broke and being stuck, broke.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I could be stuck, broke with no way out.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to be stuck, broke, with no way out.

I forgive myself for not realising the power of ‘will’ in that, ‘if there is a will there is a way.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking my ‘will’ as the way that is best for everyone/life as everyone/life as living example of and as willing the way day by day breath by breath.

Self realisations:

Note self realisations within self forgiveness statements that begin, ‘I forgive myself for not realising...’ emphasis on for not realising...as point is realised within specific self forgiveness applications.

I realise process is a bit by bit accumulation as 1 plus 1 plus 1 until everyone is accounted for

I realise the ridiculousness of holding back my shit as thoughts/feelings/emotions because of fear of exposure and releasing shit...I realise the consequences of holding onto shit...as like a grudge and explosive diarrhea and self suppression/self compromise as fucking fatigue/tiredness/exhaustion/laziness and brutalness in hiding as the fear of sharing and practical living  as farming my shit as self realisation examples/jokes/teaching as substance that can be taken  and applied as practical beneficial support to enhance performance growth and well being as absolute awesomeness

I commit myself to farming my shit with laughter by always exposing accepted and allowed ridiculousness

When and as I see myself I’ve had reaction as thought/feeling/emotions as some shit that has come up within myself...I stop, I breathe and I farm my shit as self forgiveness release as I face thoughts/feelings/emotions as ridiculousness

When and as I see myself stressing about relationships, I stop, I breathe and realise the point is me here and what I am accepting and allowing within myself is exposing accepted and allowed ridiculousness as mind fucking and that I am in the process of creating an absolute agreement with myself as creator of my world from the starting point of oneness and equality