Day 36, SEX

 

Day 36, SEX

Looking at relations with girlfriends in the past...it’s clear the starting point has always been sex...specifically me satisfying/fulfilling the desire for sex.

Most recent relationship started specifically because of sex.

Today I was looking at how I have experienced regret after ending relations because I still desired sex...and I was giving up sex by ending the relationship.  It’s like many times I’ve thought about enjoying sexual memories...and then reactions to sexual memories...like sadness/depression because they are no more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire sex and use the desire for sex as a starting point of relationship with girlfriend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing emotional reactions to past sexual memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for regretting letting go of girlfriends and guaranteed sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been possessed by sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that sex should be the starting point connection of intimacy as male/female relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess about sex.

I realise relationship success is limited by sex possession/obsession/desire.

I realise I compromised myself and relationships with girlfriends by allowing the starting point of the relationship be about sex as like something I’m obtaining...like a deal...like sweet nectar...like a fix for a junkie...like something I cannot have without a girlfriend.

I realise regret is linked to fear of loss and that I had allowed myself to fear losing sex

I realise I didn’t want to let go of sex obsession

I realise sex obsession/possession resulted and manifested through years of masturbation with porn

I realise I will write more about sex points as they come up and I see them

I commit myself to letting go of sex possession/obsession.

I commit myself to sharing sexual realisations.

When and as I see myself obsessing about sex/reacting to sexual memories- I stop, I breathe and I face point...look and laugh at ridiculousness as ridiculousness is funny fucking shit and I am ridiculously funny fucking shit...wholly fucking shit...laughs/giggles/smiles/grimace/chuckle/grin/devilish laugh