Day 23, Competition as Mind Fuckedness

Today was the first day of my tree planting season and I had some backchat of judgement come up within me today, specifically with regards to competition and me planting more trees than this dude who’s own my crew who I’ve worked with  for several years in the past. Were both great planters and this competition mentality has existed for several years.  Today I assumed I was way ahead of him based on seeing his pace in the morning and comparing his planting speed to mine...I justified that I could slow down in the afternoon because I was already going to win the self imposed competition I have with G.  G ended up planting more trees than me and I was pissed about it...I was like fuck...as if he beat me by 590 trees.  I was shocked, and I realised it was fucked for me to react to him telling me that he planted more trees than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being happy when I win and angry/annoyed/frustrated/irritated/pissed off when I lose.

I forgive myself for not realising that I am accepting and allowing energy fluctuation within myself as a result of accepting and allowing polarity friction as either winning or losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring to always be the victor/winner at the expense of other beings always being the loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising that desiring to always be the victor/winner as the expense of other beings always losing is abusive as it supports polarity friction as superiority/inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for moving myself based on the starting point of competition and fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my starting point of planting trees being fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for giving attention to back chat as competition.

I forgive myself for not realising the self sabotage of accepting and allowing a starting point of competition and fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for separating myself from and as G.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying taking it easy because I was winning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the attitude that I got to work hard when I’m losing and and that I can cost so long as I am winning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear as motivation as like an adrenal rush to plant faster so that I do not lose the competition of planting the most trees.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for liking tree planting because I’ve been the winner a lot of times as the being who planted the most trees.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel good and satisfied when I plant a lot of trees and make a lot of money and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pissed and upset and unfulfilled when I do not make a lot of money because I wasn’t able to plant a lot of trees in the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self fulfillment to be connected to competition and winning.

I forgive myself for not realising how I had accepted and allowed self fulfillment to be conditional based on accepting and allowing comparisons as competition and that I lose self fulfillment if I find out someone beat me in a competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move about in constant competition.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to comparisons as positive, negative or neutral.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for abusing myself as polarity friction as a result of accepting and allowing competition within myself as a point of fear within myself, specifically the fear of losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising that creating competitions means that I am in competition with myself and if I am in competition with myself I am wither winning or losing and therefore even if I win a lot, I am eventually going to lose.

I forgive myself for not realising how ridiculous it is to compete against myself is as it’s creating a point of friction within me as either fulfilled or not fulfilled...it’s like why would I accept and allow myself to diminish myself with competition as polarity friction as success or failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been addicted to winning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been addicted to the fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having abused the well being of my body so that I win a competition because of the desire to feed the addiction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for sacrificing my body in the name of competition and the desire to be the winner of the competition.

I realise how ridiculous it is to compete against myself is as it’s creating a point of friction within me as either fulfilled or not fulfilled...it’s like why would I accept and allow myself to diminish myself with competition as polarity friction as success or failure.

I realise that creating competitions means that I am in competition with myself and if I am in competition with myself I am wither winning or losing and therefore even if I win a lot, I am eventually going to lose.

I realise how I had accepted and allowed self fulfillment to be conditional based on accepting and allowing comparisons as competition and that I lose self fulfillment if I find out someone beat me in a competition.

I realise the self sabotage of accepting and allowing a starting point of competition and fear of loss.

I realise that I am accepting and allowing energy fluctuation within myself as a result of accepting and allowing polarity friction as either winning or losing.

When and as I see myself creating a competition within my mind as backchat, I stop, I breathe and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with myself where I may lose.

When and as I see myself reacting to the number of trees any being in camp plants as either positive or negative, I stop, I breathe and I apply self forgiveness for the accepted and allowed emotional/feeling reaction.

When and as I see myself using fear of loss as an adrenalin boost to charge myself up as an incentive to plant faster, I stop, I breathe and I check my starting point for having allowed this, And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for charging up mind consciousness systems within myself by giving attention to fear of loss and building up extreme amounts of adrenalin within myself.

I commit myself to plant trees as self expression.

I commit myself to let go of thoughts about competition.

I commit myself to enjoying my time tree planting.

I commit myself to living unconditional enjoyment tree planting.

I commit myself to disengaging energy fluctuations as mind consciousness systems.

I commit myself to sharing self realisations.