Day 18, Correcting Special Love Connection

 


Ok, so in my previous blog I wrote about the love system, the happiness system, the peace system and the excitement system. The focus of my writing was with regards to the relationship connection I had formed with the act of smoking.

In having examined my relationship with smoking, a point of fear opened up within myself with regards to facing other points that I have utter the word love about. For instance I've said," I love golf....I love skiing....I love snowboarding...I love sex....I love women....I love smoking weed....I love playing hockey"

Ok so it's interesting that I had resistance into facing each of these points with regards to love of deconstructing the system attachment. Like specifically I resisted wanting to examine the point of | love skiiing/snowboarding and golf" as it's like I've been most possessed/obsessed with these apparent love's and I feared fully acknowledging the fact that my love wasnt real and that it was based on me charging positive feelings as a result of holding onto suppressed emotions. The main point I see here is that I feared I wouldnt want to particpate in these activites if I didn't love them.

In past years I had professed my love for smoking weed and it's interesting that I never cleared this point within myself and well,...from time to time I'd have thoughts about weed and that maybe I should get some weed and smoke some weed...it's like I still had this love connection attached to weed even though I havent smoked any weed in some time.

Also, the sex point, "I love sex". This has been an interesting point ive kinda been looking at recently as well recognizing that I've been questioning this relationship obsession within the current relationship to agreement i'm walking with my partner as I've mentioned to her many times that I will all ways say yes to sex if you wanna have sex...and i'd been questioning this point as also being an addiction...and with brutal self honesty i've seen and recently expressed at times that I didnt actually want to have sex...which kinda exposes the point of like what the fuck was I doing in the past...when it's like I had no choice to actuall choose if I wanted to have sex or not because I was soo in love with having sex and it's like well I was obsessed and addicted to sex.

The statement, "I love women" correlates with the statement, "I love sex"...as me loving to have sex with women. Ive only ever had sex with women. And it's like I see that well me making this proclamation is in support of my sex desires and women being the required beings to fulfill my sex addiction/obsession...and it's like I also see the point that I've objectified women for sex and that has fucked up my perception in the way in which I look at women.  It's like I'm always sexual profilling..and I lock eyes onto women that fulfiill the requirements for my sexual profilling and it's like wow..I've defined myself as loving soo many parts of a women...and ive noticed that my attention is adverted many times when I see a women or am looking at a specific part of a women..like exposed skin, legs, ass, back, neck, boobs, shoulders, belly, hair, face, eyes, nose.

The 'I love hockey statement' was possibly my first statement of love...I would obsess about hockey...I would write hockey is Life on my binders at school...and all I'd want to do is play hockey...I didnt like to socialize that much with people that didn't like hockey...also it's like I enjoyed being recognised as a good hockey player...like that fed my ego...and ya it's like I was filled with positivity.  In my early twenties it's like my love for hockey was dying...like I wasnt charging the addiction the same as I had in earlier years...it got to the point where i was kinda pissed at myself for fuelling such an obsession...than a few year later...it's like I was trying to rekindle the love that I had created earlier on as I would reflect back to earlier childhood memories of me playing and being soo obsessed with hockey...like I wanted that love energy back in my world...yet at the time I didnt know how to articulate it...but it's like I was searching for this fulfillment within myself...and my starting point was that specific activities will give me life fulfillment and satisfaction.

Just before writing this blog the point came up, 'holy fucking shit,..i've been limiting my self expression in every moment as life joy because of creating and allowing a value system to exist within myself where there are certain activities I just love and that everything else does not equal the activities which I love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for limmiting my self expression in every moment by creating a value system of enjoyment and that my enjoyment as life joy is based upon whether I am performing a certain task/activity/sport that I have defined as in love with and that I love doing.

I forgive myself for not realising that I totally suppressed myself as life joy in every moment by fuelling positive energy within my mind by placing so much worth in certain activities that it's like I actually diminsihed myself worth and created a polarity relationship within myself and played a contributing role to manifested abuse in the world as a result of being a devotee worshipper to channelling love energies.


hockey: system removals include; love, obsession/possession, fear of loss, anger


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating an obsession about playing hockey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for defining hockey as the love of my life and my reason for living and that I will not be pleased or filled with joy if I cannot play hockey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising that I was fuelling polarity within myself as manifested conlfict friction by accepting and allowing myself to obsess over hockey as a love infatuation.

I forgive myself for not realising that I was separating myself from others and judging others as less than me if they were not interested in hockey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling a sense of self worth because I was recognized as being a good hockey player.

I forgive myself for not realising that I was not accepting myself as having any self worth and that requiring validation from others as a point of self worth is an indicator of not accepting self and accepting self as inadequate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inadequate within myself and that I am not inadequate if I have a loving relationship with a specific activity because than I have a reason for living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that I need a reason to live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that if I don't declare love for certain activities than my life will be without purpose and I will be undefined and I won't be able to have fun and I will always be bored.

I forgive myself for not realising that I will actually exist as life fulfillment and life joy by not accepting and allowing myself to define activities with love or hate and that I open myself up to living self expression  as life fulfillment and life joy in every moment and therfore my direction is not limited and influenced by mind polarity energies created from the starting point of accepting and allowing conflict/war to exist within myself.

I forgive myself for not realising how my childhood relationship with hockey influenced my possessive and obsessive addictive nature with other relationships in my world as I got older.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to my life based upon dedicating as much of my life as possible to feeding the obsession/love for hockey.

I forgive myself for not realising that I was acting out my thoughts that I fuelled for hockey by accepting and allowing myself to charge up the love system and and obsession and possession for hockey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing not being satisifed with life if I didn not act out my mind possessions/obsessions.

I forgive myself for not realising that I wasnt satisfied with myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing being without obsessions and possessions to act out.

I forgive myself for not realising that I charged love obsessions and possession in my mind as a result of accepting and allowing conflict/anger/fear to exist within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for trying to re-live memories of positive experiences playing hockey as a way to keep myself within a state of mind possession.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing losing myself if I am to let go of my love and obsessions/possesion for hockey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting angry at myself for loving hockey and being possessed/obsessed with hockey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for projecting blame towards hockey and believing that hockey is to blame for my fuckedness.

I forgive myself for not realising that blame is in fact a point of denial to justify self accepted anger within myself to make sense of a point that is frustrating me as a result of not applying brutal self honesty to actual face myself as the manifested consequence of being the root cause of the problem and that therfore I am also the solution as I allow myself to to realise myself as the answer and practically live the solution with applying brutal self honesty in actually asking myself questions so that I can face myself in all ways.

I forgive myself for not realising that by letting go of love for hockey as an obsession and possession that I am actually releasing myself from limitation

I realise I was separating myself from others and judging others as less than me if they were not interested in hockey.

I realise I was not accepting myself as having any self worth and that requiring validation from others as a point of self worth is an indicator of not accepting self and accepting self as inadequate.

I realise I charged love obsessions and possession in my mind as a result of accepting and allowing conflict/anger/fear to exist within myself.

I realise that I was acting out my thoughts that I fuelled for hockey by accepting and allowing myself to charge up the love system and and obsession and possession for hockey.

I realise I wasnt satisfied with myself as life.

I realise that I was acting out my thoughts that I fuelled for hockey by accepting and allowing myself to charge up the love system and and obsession and possession for hockey.

I realise how my childhood relationship with hockey influenced my possessive and obsessive addictive nature with other relationships in my world as I got older.

I realise that I will actually exist as life fulfillment and life joy by not accepting and allowing myself to define activities with love or hate and that I open myself up to living self expression  as life fulfillment and life joy in every moment and therfore my direction is not limited and influenced by mind polarity energies created from the starting point of accepting and allowing conflict/war to exist within myself.

I realise that I was not accepting myself as having any self worth and that requiring validation from others as a point of self worth is an indicator of not accepting self and accepting self as inadequate.

I realise that by letting go of love for hockey as an obsession and possession that I am actually releasing myself from limitation.

I realise that blame is in fact a point of denial to justify self accepted anger within myself to make sense of a point that is frustrating me as a result of not applying brutal self honesty to actual face myself as the manifested consequence of being the root cause of the problem and that therfore I am also the solution as I allow myself to to realise myself as the answer and practically live the solution with applying brutal self honesty in actually asking myself questions so that I can face myself in all ways.

When and as I see myself professing love for playing hockey and obsessing within my mind about memories of playing hockey and wanting to re-create the memories, I stop, I breath and I allow myself to see the humor as the ridiculousness I've been accepting and allowing and I smile/grimace as I realise the point of till here no further do I accept and allow myself to fuck with myself like that.


skiing/snowboarding: systems attached; love, obsession/possession, fear of loss

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing losing enjoyment skiing/snowboarding if I don't love it and am not obsessed and possessed about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to face the fact that I have been limiting myself as a result of the love obsession possession I created towards skiing/snowboarding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that my life has value as a result of obsessing and possessing about skiiing/snowboarding because of the love energies I have channeled towards it.

I forgive myself for not realising that I was supporting polarity conflict friction within myself by channelling love energies about skkiing/snowboarding as obsession and possession.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my life has more valuse the more things I love and am obsessed and posessed by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having feared facing the fact that I was fucking with myself by obsessing and possessing and proclaiming love for snowboarding and skiing.

I forgive myself for not realising that I made school this winter seem much more difficult than it actually was because of the fact that I was obsessing and mind possessed about skiing and snowboarding.

I forgive myself for not realising how much mindfucking ive accepted and allowed on the basis of justification of love as obsession and possession.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for obsessing and possessing and proclaiming love for snowboarding and skiing as a manipulation tactic to give my life value/meaning.

I forgive myself for not realising that I was accepting my life as valueless and meaningless and that my participations as chanelling love energies and feeding love energies with obesssion and possession has been abusive and therfore a contributing factor to abuse existing in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for abusing myself and contributing to abuse in the world by accepting and allowing myself to channel love energies within myself as a result of obsessing and possessing about skiiing and snowboarding.

I realise that I was supporting polarity conflict friction within myself by channelling love energies about skiing/snowboarding as obsession and possession.

I realise how much mindfucking ive accepted and allowed on the basis of justification of love as obsession and possession.

I realise that I made school this winter seem much more difficult than it actually was because of the fact that I was obsessing and mind possessed about skiing and snowboarding.

I realise that I was supporting polarity conflict friction within myself by channelling love energies about skkiing/snowboarding as obsession and possession.

When and as I see myself obsessing and possessing about snowboarding/skiing, I stop, I breathe and I realise the ridiculous mindfuckedness that I have just adverted by stopping myself from particpating in obsessing and possessing within my mind about snowboarding because of the apparent love connection for it. In the moment I check myself to make sure I am not allowing any energetic charges within myself. If there is any self forgiveness I am able to apply with regards to the point I am looking at, I apply it and proceed with self corrective statements while acknowledging the the humor as the point of ridiculousness.


women and sex: system attachment; love, obsession/possession, desire, addiction, fear of loss


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a love relationship with women/sex as an obsession/possession, desire, addiction which has been fueled by love and the fear of loss.

I forgive myself for not realising the relationship connection between love and the fear of loss and how the other system attachments are like derivatives within this polarity spectrum of fear and love.

I forgive myself for not realising that love is a derivative of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowng myself for fearing not being able to have sex with women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for obsessing and possessing about relationships with women and being able to have sex with women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring to sleep with women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having obsessed about the deisre to sleep with certain women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing not being able to sleep with certain women again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for connecting love to women and sex.

I forgive myself for not realising that as a result of creating a relationship connection as love for women and sex that I allowed myself to becomed possessed and obsessed with women and sex.

I forgive myself for not realising that love for sex and women originated from and as a lack of self acceptance and placing power as greater than myself in and as women and sex and that having sex with women ive channeled as like the most positive experience possible.

I forgive myself for not realising that as a result of creating positive experiences, Ive been compounding negative energies within myself and have been abusing my physical body in the process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for obsessing and possessing about women's body parts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising how Ive adverted my attention away from beeing here by loving womens body parts and obsessing and possessing over them and in the process feeding the addiction to sexual profiling women as thinking about which women i'd like to sleep with as judging women as sexual objects that fit my accepted and allowed profiling definitions of ideal sexaul candidates for me to have sex with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for objectifying women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying the objectification of womnen for the purposes of obsessing and possessing my mind with thoughts about desiring to have sex with various women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that my life has more value as a result of the amount of women I sleep with as each women I sleep with being a spearate possession.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for loving and obsessing and being addicted to being attention diverted from being here as breath as a result of seeing womens breats, legs, thighs, calves, lower back, shoulder blades, face, eyes, mouth, nose, ass, any women in tight pants, exposes skin, neck, and long hair.

I fogive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying my love for women and sex as a means to validate my existance and reason for living as an attempt to give my llife purpose and meaning.

I forgive myself for not realising that ive been searching outside of myself for meaning and purpose to validate my existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that I always must have sex when I am asked if I would like to have sex because of the acceptance and allowance that I love sex and therefore I must say yes to every oppurtunity that presents itself to me for having sex.

I forgive myself for not realising how controlled I was by sex and women as a result of accepting and allowing myself to desire women and sex and for accepting and allowing myself to love women and sex and as a result of obsessing and possessing about women/sex and I forgive myself for not realsing how addicted I was to fuelling these polarity relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing letting go of love for women and sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to lose the self created definitions as acceptances and allowances ive particpated and have bult memories and ideas in my head as who I am.

I forgive myelf for accepting and allowing myself for placing myself worth in relation to women.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not valuing myself unless i am in a relationship with a women. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my self satisfaction being dependant upon being with a women.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising the self imposed limitation of fearing to let go of loving women and sex as a polarity charged relationship that is rooted in and as separation.

I realise the self imposed limitation of fearing to let go og loving women and sex as a polarity charged relationship that is rooted in and as separation

I realise that ive been searching outside of myself for meaning and purpose to validate my existence.

I realise how controlled I was by sex and women as a result of accepting and allowing myself to desire women and sex and for accepting and allowing myself to love women and sex and as a result of obsessing and possessing about women/sex and I forgive myself for not realsing how addicted I was to fuelling these polarity relationships.

I realise that ive been searching outside of myself for meaning and purpose to validate my existence.

I realise that as a result of creating positive experiences, Ive been compounding negative energies within myself and have been abusing my physical body in the process.

I realise that love for sex and women originated from and as a lack of self acceptance and placing power as greater than myself in and as women and sex and that having sex with women ive channeled as like the most positive experience possible.

I realise that as a result of creating a relationship connection as love for women and sex that I allowed myself to becomed possessed and obsessed with women and sex.

I realise the relationship connection between love and the fear of loss and how the other system attachments are like derivatives within this polarity spectrum of fear and love.

I realise that love is a derivative of fear.

When and as I see myself desiring/obsessing/possessing love for a womens' body or sex with a women. I stop, I breathe and I realise the extensive minducks I have created in the past about women and sex and I allow myself with brutal self honesty to disengage polarity system manifestations with self forgiveness and self corrective statements. I allow myself to see the humor as the ridiculousness as a point of comic relief to assist and support with system removals.

golf: system attachments; love, fear of loss, obsession/possession

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a love for golf.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing golf to be spearate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that my life has value based on the amount of activities i love and obsess and possess over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing that life would not be satisfying and fulfilling if I didnt obsess and possess love for golf.

I forgive myself for not  realising how ive suppressed life enjoyment and life fulfillment as a result of obsessing and possessing love for golf.

I forgive myself for not realising that I feared letting go of loving golf and possessing and obsessing about golf as a result of fearing that I will be taking away value and satisafaction from my life.

I forgive myself for not realising that my life has never been fully satisfying and that is why I have constantly attempted to fulfill myself with satisfaction by obsessing and possessing over new things as a result of creating new loves and more loves.

I forgive myself for not realising how ive fucked with myself exstensively as a result of allowing myself to be obsessed and possessed by points which I say I love.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that I will be bored if I don't have points to be possessed and obsessed about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fucking with myself out of fear of not being entertained.

When and as I see myself being obsessed and possessed by golf and procliaming love for golf and fearing not being able to play golf, I stop, I breathe and I realise the fuckedness of the love system, obsession/possession system and fear system.

weed: system attachment; love, obsession/posession

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding onto love for smoking weed.

I forgive myself for not realising that smoking weed would come up in my head every once and awhile because I had not let go of the love system with regards to smoking weed and therfore in my mind I had stiil accepted and allowed to hold onto a relationship connection with weed as something I love doing and therfore I was accepting and allowing myself to have been fueling the love connection for weed with positive feelings as a result of suppressed emotions.

I forgive myself for not realising that I created a love relationship for weed the same way as I had created a love relationship for hockey and that I was possessed and obsessed about smoking weed the same way I was obsessed and possed with hockey and that I separated myself from people who were not interested in smoking weed...just as I had done with people who were not interested in hockey when I was younger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding onto the love connection about weed because of all the positve memories and feelings I had created about weed. I forgive myself for not realising that I was able to create sooo much positivity about weed because I had sooo much suppressed emotions and negative energy within myself and therefore I just comounded it with the weed to feed the positive energies as love devotion worship obsession possessiveness.

I forgive myself for not realising that i had given weed exstensive praise as love because I had produced much positive energies as a result of smoking weed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for declaring and professing love for anything which influences me to produce positive energy/experience.

I forgive myself for not realising how I had given value to weed based on energy experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed and possessed by weed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowiing myself for separating weed from and as myself under the guise of love.

I realise how I had given value to weed based on energy experiences.

I realise that i had given weed exstensive praise as love because I had produced much positive energies as a result of smoking weed.

I realise that I created a love relationship for weed the same way as I had created a love relationship for hockey and that I was possessed and obsessed about smoking weed the same way I was obsessed and possed with hockey and that I separated myself from people who were not interested in smoking weed...just as I had done with people who were not interested in hockey when I was younger.

I realise that smoking weed would come up in my head every once and awhile because I had not let go of the love system with regards to smoking weed and therfore in my mind I had stiil accepted and allowed to hold onto a relationship connection with weed as something I love doing and therfore I was accepting and allowing myself to have been fueling the love connection for weed with positive feelings as a result of suppressed emotions.

when and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to thing about weed, I stop, I breathe and I let the thoughts go as I realise the extsenive enrgy I had built up about smoking weed in the past through praising weed with love/devotion. I realise that following thoughts because of curiousity is a point of fuckedness and lead nowhere and only creates a timeloop. I realise the ridiculousness of acting out my thoughts as the script I am following is an indication of brainwashing mindcontrol. I allow myself to forgive myself for any and all points that come up within my mind.


redefining the word women;

First off, let me look at my relationship with the word women. I have a positively charged experience to the word women. I connect the word women to sex and I see that ive objectified the word women to be a word as a picture possession I am fortunate to obtain and that women or a woman is a necessary ingredient in as as my self fulfillment. Also the word women means to me boobs and a vagina and feminity. also the opposite of a man.

dictionary definition:


wom·an  (wmn)

n. pl. wom·en (wmn)

1. An adult female human.

2. Women considered as a group; womankind: "Woman feels the invidious distinctions of sex exactly as the black man does those of color" (Elizabeth Cady Stanton).

3. An adult female human belonging to a specified occupation, group, nationality, or other category. Often used in combination: an Englishwoman; congresswoman; a saleswoman.

4. Feminine quality or aspect; womanliness.

5. A female servant or subordinate.

6. Informal

a. A wife.

b. A female lover or sweetheart. See Usage Notes at lady, man, person.

Idioms:

(one's) own woman

Independent in judgment or action: She has always been her own woman.

to a woman

Without exception.

---

[Middle English, from Old English wimman, variant of wfman : wf, woman; see ghwbh- in Indo-European roots + man, person; see man.]

---

woman·less adj.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

playing with the word 'woman' and looking at the word:

woman...wo-man...like woah man....woman woah man...man is woo'd by woman...woman is the wo'man...woman..has the womb..and the womb is in the sound of woman...woman is like man but with a womb....woman is like ow man...wow man...namow

new definition of woman:

woman is the wow man as woman is part of mankind as the type of human being that can give birth to a child as a result of having a womb as an infant child is birthed from a mother's womb and the woman is thus a woah to man as child birth is regarded as one of the miracles of life and it's fascinating that life grow in the mother's womb. Man is insied Woman in order to facilitate pregnancy and child birth as the man plants his seed/sperm in the woman's egg. Woman has different genitalia than man and man has often been wowed by woman's unique parts. A woman's vagina can also be referred to as the wonder hole or the cave of wonders.