Day 773 - DOUBT

 

DOUBT:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which I have dis-empowered myself within and as a result of holding onto an energetic 'doubt' within myself, ...as the 'damned if I do and damned if i don't experience'....perpetuating a sort of stagnation, see sawing back and forth within myself...thinking maybe this way is best, maybe this way is best...a sort of stressful restlessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the irony within holding onto an energetic doubt within myself....is that what results is a whole lot of nothing...but a lot of humming and hawing...as like maaaaaaaybe......a lot of wasted time and energy into thinking about things, but never really actually doing anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a wrong decision to such an extent that I would rather avoid making a decision all together. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not recognizing the the ridiculousness of this behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my existence to be a sort of doubt filled dwelling. As like just thinking of the possibilities without ever really pushing myself to act swiftly and promptly within and as my decision making process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the time wasted within and as the fear of making a bad decision...like by deliberately allowing more and more time to think about it.....that the point in question could in fact have been faced by making a decision one way or the other way....but by allowing such postponement on decision making, just allows one's life to compound in limbo....like a sort of state of purgatory....where it's like being fucked on both sides...as like being mind fucked out of the potential good and bad consequence of the situation. A great travesty/deception really.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the travesty and deception of allowing doubt to linger as a reason for indecision and postponement on decision making.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be cowardly in my thoughts/words/deeds as a result of resisting to take self-responsibility for the doubt inside myself.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to wait on making a decision, I stop and look at why this is in fact what I am doing. I self-honestly assess what is holding me back. I realize that in some instances there is much accounting to do before making a decision on particular matters. I realize it's not to push a polarized self-sabotage by superimposing that one must always be quick on decisions. I realize it's a point of practicality within and as the decision making process here. I realize it is a matter of being self-honest about the points that are here within myself...as this is the real accounting here....See the accounting here is the specifics of and as my word recognition's....because each word of consideration as like the main points is a sort of conglomeration of relationships being put together within myself...and so a key starting point is to write all the words down so to get clarity on the specifics of the accounting.

When and as I see myself wanting to postpone looking at things/decisions here, I stop and breathe, I make note of the specifics that i am deliberately looking to postpone/avoid. I recognize these points as the key points of the matter here...as the main points that need to be accounted for...as like there is some balancing required here...because these points...which can be represented by specific word relationships are out of alignment as how I am existing in relationship to them. So what is cool here, is that sorting myself out is a matter of vocabulary. Word recognition is the key to being effective in and as the world here. I realize there's no valid reason to take my acceptances and allowances personally from the perspective of punishing myself for what i have realized, but to actually move one.....'moving on' is key here...as the taking of self-responsibility in restructuring my life word/world relationships in ways that are best for all life. I realize in identifying the problem/issue, I in fact empower myself within and as self-responsibility to create/direct/develop a solution.

I commit myself to being bold in facing my accepted and allowed doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using doubt as an excuse and justification for non participation within my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate self-responsibilities within and as the acceptance and allowance of self-doubt as a reason and excuse to justify accepting and allowing inferiority within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to look and see how in fact the ego of superiority is glossed within and as the doubt of inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the correlation between doubt, ego, and blame as like a trinity of fuckedness as different angled ways in which one can create a mind fucked prison for oneself. I realize that there is other key words in which I have fucked myself in perpetuating a sort of doubtful existence, like justification, reasoning, logic, manipulation, self-sabotage....I realize that in a lot of ways, I exhibited a lot of ways to remain stuck within the core point here...and that being a real lack of self-independence and self-trust as the care taker and authority of me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have in fact forgot about living my life in so many instances as a result of accepting and allowing myself to exist as the very fear which permeates a doubt filled mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how a doubt filled mind is one of such fear, though ironically the fear of massive amounts of inferiority is so deeply hidden behind the surface layer of bullshit which is known and regarded as the positive back chat of super ego superiority where one asserts one's self-righteousness without actually really doing anything but scaring/separating the shit out of oneself, and ultimately missing out on a lot of awesome potential moments of shared enjoyment here. I realize and understand the isolation within and as the ego superiority of self-doubt. I realize the ridiculousness of perpetuating such an extensive bullshit story.

I realize that keeping the fearful doubt experience alive within myself is like deliberately trying to waste myself away here. I commit myself to stop wasting myself away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invalidate myself to such an extent that I am searching and seeking for validation, and direction as some sort of answer as to what i should do....and ironically within all this, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand my self-authority, myself actualization, myself realization here, myself-honesty, myself-trust, myself-responsibility here...myself as the creator of myself here.

Day 772 - Life is a StandUp Comedy

 



It's funny you know, when you really get something, like you totally got it. I mean it's that moment of aha that can turn into a real hahahaha ohhh man that's funny, that's rich, that's just so great. pure gold. So money.

See, our lives are like an ever evolving learning process of self-expansion and recognition here, and we are all ways the butt of the joke. I mean we are the source of it all. We are in the house of mirrors and everything exists within ourselves and is mirrored outward as our external reality.

It's interesting to see, when we go for prolonged amounts of time without any relief... I mean, like, just perpetuating a build up of our own self-induced stress that we blame and judge and really believe it's all out there, outside of ourselves. So in a lot of ways, this is not so funny...and that is precisely the point....the knot in the funny....the knot in the fun, because we are too tightly wound, taking ourselves way too seriously, not recognizing the jokes, the points, the learning lessons, the mistakes, the problems and the solutions.

See, it's interesting; Self-honesty through accepting and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with ourselves here,...our self-in-to-me-I-see...our self-intimacy, the taking the time to look, to care, to in fact recognize the bits of things that are happening within ourselves here.

See, these 'bits' are the jokes....and it's interesting, because everybody has so many bits here, I mean, we are always working with bits of information, and so much so it's in these moments of working with information...and there's a plethora of ways in which this is so...the amounts of varying relationship dynamics is tremendous.  The jokes, the fun, the funny, is the balancing act of not taking ourselves too seriously within and as the work we are engaged within, because we are at work all the time so to speak...our very design is as a working body here,  i mean our body doesnt take a vacation every few days,.., it's an all the time thing.

So, in having some laughs while we work, while we share, while we converse, while we play, we allow ourselves to learn and grow...we are creating a natural learning environment for ourselves within ourselves by allowing ourselves to recognize our accepted and allowed moments of ridiculousness. I mean wow, if we really have a look...it's like so often we are missing out on the fun and the funny because we are not being self-honest with ourselves here. Faking to be cool when in fact that isn't really cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play it cool when shit is not all cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a too prolonged build up within myself without getting to the punch line, the joke recognition, seeing the ridiculousness that i have accepted and allowed.

I realize it's kind of funny to exist as a living joke and to within and as the joke, forget that,.. Tag, I am It.  Like, oh shit, I totally forgot what the fuck i was doing.....what i have been doing....oh man...fuck.  Looking back at my set, as my acceptances and allowances that are ridiculously unacceptable it's like wow talk about bombing. Wait no, don't say bomb if you are being recorded....oh shit is this blog being recorded....lolol.  But seriously, butt butt butt...we are the shit....the whole spectrum of it, it's like we got a giant ball of shit here, the planet and it's a matter of shit management, i mean shit, take a regard of the fact that if you don't move the shit through your body on a regular basis, you are going to fucking die,...maybe through explosion, maybe not.  Point being here, is that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that I am always working and playing with a bit of some sorts, because that's the standup comedy life process here.

I realize it isn't to say, we must deliberate be fuckup's in order to be funny and have fun....no that would be dumb. Everyone is already a fuckup, Obviously myself included.  It's to self-honestly allow ourselves to recognize our weakness and to turn them into strengths, and to allow ourselves to play with these points of self-development.  Allowing ourselves to be cool in walking a point of weakness into a strength. Allowing ourselves to enjoy the journey/ride/adventure within and as our natural learning abilities here.

It's funny,

When we allow ourselves to be too hard on ourselves,

It's like we are deliberately creating a Hard-On within our minds,

You know,

A throbbing erection to mind fuck the shit out of ourselves with...

and it's like,

every time we allow ourselves to be hard on ourselves about something, it's like we are creating a new big dick inside ourselves,

as another big dick example to fuck ourselves with.

Excuse my Dick humor here,

I'm just dicking around.

Because you know,

it's kind of funny,

I mean realizing the extent to which we fuck ourselves is tragic,

Tragic comedy,

A divine comedy if you will,

because there is so much learning in store,

I mean we are all such a wealth of storage...

and it just so happens that sharing our realizations has the capacity to be both fun and funny.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back on showing myself the funny here, as the moments/points of ridiculousness that I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget to look at the ridiculousness of myself within my acceptances and allowances as the source of funny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the fun and funny I have within myself that is at the core of my being here.  I realize and understand that the fun and the funny are here for everyone, we are all a part of it, and it is in fact best shared as like we are each the story teller, and what's cool about a good story is the fun and the funny along the way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to take it easy within recognizing difficult things I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for choosing to create a fearful frame of mind when I am faced with points that are challenging.  I realize that is ridiculousness, because going into a fearful mind state when things are difficult and unfamiliar, does not really assist and support oneself to move with a sort of effortless ease as the presentation of our in fact developed response abilities as the ways in which we are skilled and versed in movement.

I commit myself to sharing my process of life standup comedy.

I commit myself to encouraging others to share their life process of standup comedy.

I commit myself to share points of relationship that are easily relate-able, so that the fun and funny can be had by all.

I commit myself to educating through sharing stories/jokes of trials and tribulations.

I commit myself educating myself about others by being interested in listening to their stories of trials and tribulations.

I commit myself to being open minded.

When and as I see myself having difficulty communicating with someone, I stop and breathe, I have a giggle as I recognize I have been fucking myself unintentionally....which is pretty ridiculous....i mean to fuck yourself and not realize how you are fucking yourself is pretty fucking questionable...I mean what the fuck is going on!  SO, I recognize the specifics of the mind fuck, and I forgive myself and correct the discrepancy within myself as the point of conflict/friction/blockage that i had been brewing/building within myself.  I let it go.  I open up my ability to relate here. I see for real what is here,  I allow myself to return into and as Flow Here, by being completely open and at ease within myself here.


I commit myself to being a pillar of support in communicating with others.

I commit myself to gratitude within and as the process sharing of words here.

I commit myself to many daily word exchanges.

I commit myself to treasuring each and every word exchange.

I realize word exchanges are kind of like the stock exchanges...because words are instruments here of tremendous value.

I commit myself to cherishing my words and the words of others.

I commit myself to see the assistance and support in words always all ways.

Day 771 - The Sloooooooooow Down Secret

"Slow down, so you can see more of what is here"

Hanging out with family and friends is a great opportunity to test yourself.  The emotional feedback you get from family and friends will in most instances be stronger than that of strangers. Note: by emotional feedback, i am specifically referring to the reactions that come up in our own mind, as like what gets to us in one way or another where we are triggered.

When you allow yourself to slow down enough to specifically identify the reactions/triggers that come up in the mind, there is great potential to change the relationship dynamics in the moment, a real time change. What is interesting here is that it is a matter of self-recognition as our mirrored self-reflection here within and as our word and world.  See, traditionally within and as points of mind ego, We are reacting to the information we see.....what is interesting about this, is that we are in fact so close to the point of self-correction......self-identifying our own bullshit here.  See, in seeing bullshit about another, so much so, this bullshit that is getting to us, is a reflection of our own bullshit we are hiding from.

So,  in recognizing what points cause stimulation within ourselves...as like a sort of emotional or feeling reaction, where we are desiring to act out our release.....like we just got to say or do something....like, we are possessed to do so....the experience of we just got to do it.

Now in some instances, we can see and recognize the experience within ourselves and we stop our selves from playing out the bullshit, but we leave it there.  This is a cool starting point...the stopping the play out of the reaction...BUT, it is cool to keep on with the slow down approach and actually go into the specifics of the self-recognition here....the particulars of the vocabulary/points that are a bothersome/burden/stress/conflict.

See, in slowing down enough to look at the scope of the relationship dynamics of a situation, one's whole world changes....because it's like going from a tunnel vision perspective to a holistic perspective. Reconnecting, Remembering a piece of ourselves here.

A practical support point in looking at things is this:  Identify a point of friction, specifically see the judgement that comes up as a particular word or words dictating/defining a frame of mind.  In seeing our shit come up within ourselves...we can in the moment forgive ourselves, and so Learn the point in real time...because what opens up when we self-forgive a point of accepted and allowed separation, is that we realize and see things that have always been here that we just couldn't/didn't/wouldn't/weren't getting to See here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding onto judgments that come up within my mind within social situations that keep me in a state of possession and limit my ability to be sensitive and receptive to others in a way that is complimentary and gentle as the best support here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak bullshit as a result of speaking form the starting point of feeling/emotion possession.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how my own thinking is what perpetuates conflict in my world, because my thoughts present to me my accepted and allowed thought patterns..., the specifics of what i have built up over time within my body as the emotions and feelings i have formed impressions about in my body as the specifics of the self-definition picture frame of mind.   I realize and understand the self-corrective process in taking the time to see the High definition picture formation relationships i have constructed within my world through various lenses of ego superiority/inferiority relationship acceptances and allowances.  I commit myself to equalizing myself with all Life here, by purifying my thoughts/words/deeds.  I commit myself to self-forgiving and self-correcting points of ego that come up within my mind.  I realize my mind and environment are fantastic support structures here.  I commit myself to utilizing all the support and assistance I have here to in fact develop and create the best version of myself here.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how I miss the humor of my own accepted and allowed ridiculous, my mistakes, when and as i resist slowing down to look at things for real, and in fact, take my time here.  I realize the irony of not taking my time, is that fact that i do not have any time, that my life has no substance.  Ironically, i see how it is an individual self-responsibility to make time for ourselves here. I see and realize our time as a shared commodity/privilege/potential here.  I realize our creation potential and learning capacity is within making time here, because it is within slowing down and taking the time to look and see, that we can actually recognize what is here, what is going on, and how best to contribute to the world here.

I realize that, in taking the time to investigate the specifics/particulars of our word/world relationships here,..., the more we do so, the more we have to share/give.  Ironically, we have more to share when we take the time to look and see what we got to give...and within this, it is quite fascinating to see how awesome it is to share something we really worked on make real here.  This is a fascinating realization of our self-development here, because it is taking the time to develop the particular dynamics of ourselves here, the more easily we can relate and share the best possible support with others here.  I mean, giving the best gifts, is fucking awesome, nobody wants a terrible gift. so it's a  matter of taking our time, slowing down to see for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which i have skewed my ability to see for real here in every moment.  I realize that my perception is skewed when i allow my point of view to be tainted within and as the energy of reactionary thought.  I realize and understand how the moment of  reactionary thought can be a sort of tipping point to getting to the point of focus and clarity within and as myself here.  I see and realize the focal pivot point of the energy of thought, a stepping stone of support in identifying the specifics of a personal weakness that is here in and as opportunity to become a real strength of my character/expression in Life here.  I commit myself to the identification process of the specifics of the energy movements that come up within me as thought.  I commit myself to utilizing all my thoughts as tools of support in strengthening my vision here in seeing the world with real eyes here, without filters as particular energetic biases that are self-destructive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the self-destruction within and as Ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to let go of ego.

I forgive myself for not realizing the irony within resisting to let go of ego, the fact and point of Slowing Down,..taking the time to see what I am doing here.

I commit myself to slowing down and looking at what I am doing here.

I commit myself to seeing what I am accepting and allowing here.

I commit myself to taking the time to learn from what I see here.

I commit myself to taking the time to relate to everything here.

I commit myself to listening to everything here.

I commit myself to sharing the best of myself here.

I commit myself to taking the time to create the best of myself here.

I commit myself to living the slow down realization of creation here as a point of slowing down in order to move more quickly as the self-direction of myself here in all ways.

I commit myself to slowing down and taking my time with family and friends,  I realize reactions are an indicator of being insensitive to slowing down and seeing family/friends as me here in another life.  I commit myself to facing the truth of myself in my participation's with family and friends.

I commit myself to sharing the results of my realizations within slowing down and taking the time to look at things for real.  I commit myself to letting my sharing of my realizations come through as part of my living expressions here.

Day 770 - The Lame Fear

You get what you don't want and You get what you want, so either way, you Get it.  Get It? Get It!  Got it.

I noticed I fear being Lame.  Like, I do not want to appear weak or lame or somewhat inept in my participation, whatever that may be.  Ironically enough, what you really don't want, you get more of..when your starting point is in opposition of that very thing...it's like a homeopathic remedy and equation in so many ways....where the thing that is here to support you the most, is the very thing you are "fighting" and in "conflict" about. Tragically ironic indeed.  It's like creating  more and more consequence, a bigger and bigger mistake...to either be the cause of one's demise...or the Very Solution Remedy Cure here.  Funny, because everything is it...and where shit gets complicated is in and as how we have tagged it. You know that very elementary game of Tag You are it?  The word spelling's we imprint as our character impressions...not realizing the forgeries we are creating, because it's a fake of sorts, a conscious/unconscious incompetence. Not as the Knot in and as our not realizing what we are doing to ourselves...our cells here in and as our world here.

I noticed how I have been perpetuating a mind fuck within my world participation's within this point of fearing to be Lame. In many ways this perpetuates a sort of inferiority/superiority play out of characters....where it's like I go into a sort of De-siding....I mean, deciding...as like a self-censorship within participating within a point, or a sort of self-righteous superiority/Inferiority.  Though, there is the alternative to both these conflicting realities...which is me being here, clear from fear.  Though the very instance of me having moments of being clear from fear is very questionable,...because it's like a moment of fresh air, a breath of life...and then it's gone and into some sort of self-perpetuating stagnation or drowning.  Like forgetting how to swim for a moment...ironically enough, it's more like disabling my swimming ability in a moment, as like choosing to impair my ability with the acceptance and allowance of fear to be the commanding authority in relationship to the points of ability in question as my response abilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing the word Lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how much I have allowed myself to have a fearful relationship with the word lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how much I have limited/suppressed my natural learning ability as a result of fearing to be Lame/Weak within a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the Irony relationship Tool and How it Links specifically with Fear in and as a Word Relationship.  As like a realm of Fear is at the core of accepted and allowed issues/conflicts/problems within an individual relationship. And, why this is so ironic, is because it is the very Fearful relationship with specific regards to the word in question that keeps the problem/conflict/mistake/misfortune alive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which i have self-censored my potential as a result of accepting and allowing myself to be in opposition/fear towards the word Lame. I forgive myself for not realizing the irony within fearing to be or be perceived as Lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the extent to which process is a tragic/divine comedy play out here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how Irony can be a rather specific tool for investigating words, where you can use the word Irony as a sort of cross reference where you have a look to see if you are being ironically stuck within the very word you are making a concerted effort to investigate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how cool a tool Irony is within investigating words as like a fun and funny play to aid in and as the word investigation/exploration. - See more at: http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2016/02/day-769-exploring-word-lame.html#sthash.hpDhwsRP.dpuf

Day 769 - Exploring the Word "Lame"

 


I have a little bit of a negative tinge towards the word "Lame" as like arghh, ahhh,, fuck, god damn, not cool, cannot look, must look away, beyond embarrassing, uncomfortable....and, unfathomable to continuously think about.

So, that is what comes to mind in relationship to the word Lame.

I was investigating the word Lame recently and had made a general concerted effort to remove the negative energetic charges I had been holding onto in regards to Lame.  I missed these points....ironically enough, it's like i got caught in my own lameness and didnt want to look at my Lame acceptances and allowances. LOL. ridiculous indeed.  I appreciate a good laugh at myself, so I see the points here and I direct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a negative tinge like reaction to the word lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for superimposing words upon myself with energetic charges.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the tragic and ironic comedy within my relationship towards the word Lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within a negative tinge like reaction, regard Lame as: arghh, ahhh, fuck, god damn, not cool, cannot look, must look away, beyond embarrassing, uncomfortable, and unfathomable to continuously look/think about.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how points can be missed as a sort of self-sabotage within deliberately being vague/overly-general about the investigation into a word relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how Irony can be a rather specific tool for investigating words, where you can use the word Irony as a sort of cross reference where you have a look to see if you are being ironically stuck within the very word you are making a concerted effort to investigate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how cool a tool Irony is within investigating words as like a fun and funny play to aid in and as the word investigation/exploration.


To Be Continued

Day 768 - Lame Communication

 


I am working on developing my effectiveness in communication.  I see communication as Paramount.  Communication is Life. Communication is integral in building the best quality Life Here. Communication is Everything.


I bring up these seemingly obvious points about Communication here because I am taking a moment here to give regard to my accepted and allowed communication:

Some cool self reflection opened op for me today in hosting, "Desteni Movie Night Hangout -Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke."
 My guest cancelled last minute / confused the start time.  This presented me with the opportunity to go it alone, and that I did.  I wasn't expecting to talk for 52 minutes, doing a monologue, I was expecting to have a conversation with my guest, asking and directing the response of questions, while making some comments here and there.

About 10 minutes or so in...and i think also sooner than that, the point came into mind that i am sort of bombing this hangout...like a little bit stumbling and bumbly with my word flow sharing expression and knowing where i want to go and take things....and also kind of placing a little bit of pressure/judgement upon myself as like I am doing this live without any preparation and nobody is tuning in live....'what's the point....my performance is kind of lame...not nearly as tight and polished as I could be...my flow is less than what I would regard as stellar...the experience of myself within this is somewhat challenging...as like bailing out would stop the bleeding, as like i am experiencing the wounds of my accpeted and allowed discomforts within expressing/communicating myself here unconditional on the spot without a preprogrammed rehearsal so that i can give a sort of automative predicatable performance that i know already.

So in looking at these points and having a real Care to push myself to continue on with the show, I showcased myself some weakeness in my communication.  This was really cool for myself as it was like a wow moment and an aha, as towards the end of the hanging there was a bit of a shit that happened within me as like finally coming into my confidence and and my flow/trust/expression was coming through a bit more.  I do see that this showing here on a whole was a bit of a flop from my perspective of being a solo performer doing a big set.  I mean how often is it that we put ourselves out there and monologue for 52 minutes? I found this to be a real tipping point for myself in my process here, as someone who is committed to the development and mastery of the law of my being here, as the practical living sound embodiment of words.  A word smith if you will...

I see the tremendous value in committing myself to vlogging as a process point of support for myself and others here.  I see that not doing this is a real know within the process of self-purification here.  I speak from experience as I created a sorted of justified censorship on speaking/sharing my voice publically out of concern for public judgment/ridicule/consequence.  Ultimately my reasoning was very much logical within my mind as the programming of my conditioned thinking...and this state of mind, kept me from noticing deficiencies within my word expressions here, and really has been a tragic comedy of sorts because my effectiveness in communication is less than my best potential at the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the profound support within vlogging.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dismissing the value within vlogging as a result of my accepted and allowed ego defense systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying a sort of self sacrifice of my potential out of fear for survival here, as like ways to prevent possible conflicting engagements that may require my response capable communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to see the points within myself that are lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to hide from what I have accepted and allowed that is lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing my self-regard to such an extent that I would justify remaining lame within points that could be development into a practical living potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for censoring myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I have resisted to engage myself on points of self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not wanting to appear less than well developed within a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting the learning/birthing process here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding that paying attention here is the epitome of patience, and that to really pay attention is to in fact practically live the word care....and within the word care is where the fun is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mindfuck myself within and as how i think my communication should go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to trust myself unconditionally here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying self-censorship as a means of avoiding and adverting conflict.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how i have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the existence of conflict within myself by 'trying' to avoid conflict in communication with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding my flexibility as self-responsibility here to actually and practically create solutions that are awesome in all ways here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to live the patience required to actually Care to be here in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for pushing through my life without taking the time to care about what it is i am accepting and allowing within my thoughts/words/deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying the reliance of others to stimulate my movement and communication here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which I have allowed myself to be dependent on existing in reaction here....as like mostly being moved as a result of the positive or negative i experience within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to really challenge my acceptances and allowances.  I realizing that engaging myself is a real practical way to live patience and self-intimacy here.  I realize that this is actually a lot of fun!

I commit myself to the process of developing myself in communication as thought, word and deed.

I commit myself to working and playing with my words.

I commit myself to trusting myself in thought/word/deed/

I commit myself to investigating my thoughts/words/deeds/

I realize the process of self-investigation as thoughts/words/deeds is a very fruitful opportunity, and I am grateful to give myself this opportunity that has so much potential.  I realize the potential is a result of my dedicated labor here.  I realize and understand the balance between work and play as like how the to can exist together complimentary and also as opposites in focused specificty...and i see how the words are in me always and that my fine tuning of moment to moment management is where my expression is as i get to direct the specifics of myself here.

I commit myself to vlogging.

I commit myself to sharing the self-realization that vlogging is a tremendous tool of profound support that is like one of the best gifts one can give to oneself here.

I commit myself to engaging myself to face the difficult points within myself and to from here, forgive myself and to create solutions for myself as new pathways of self-development in my personal process walking here.

I commit myself to using my voice as a point of self-reflection here.  I commit myself to self-investigation.

I commit myself to sharing Life regard.

I commit myself to engaging myself within and as Communication.

When and as I see myself resisting to do a vlog, I stop and breathe, I allow myself to make one.  I realize that making vlogging a regular part of my process here is awesome in all ways always.

I commit myself to the process of developing my self-expressions within vlogging.

I commit myself to stop fearing what other people think of me.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to suppress my voice here.

I commit myself to developing and enhancing my voice here as a result of working and playing with my voice here.

I commit myself to practically living my voice here.

I realize and understand my voice to be a fantastic tool here to express myself within/as/without.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging/fearing lame communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing vulnerability in developing weaknesses into strengths.


I commit myself to stop resisting to face points that are difficult/awkward.  I commit myself to seek out points of resistance, that are lame and awkward within myself to in fact take these points on as seeds I will nurture into a practical living potential here.

I commit myself to word and world regard here as what is best for all Life.



'Lao Tzu, the ancient father of Taoism, put it: “Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don't have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don't want to.’”  Make the time to communicate'

Day 767 - Maleficient

 


Ma-Lef-i-Cent....Mal-ef-i-cent..Maleficent...


I first recall seeing this word when the movie came out with the title "Maleficent".  I was kind of intrigued by this word because I was not familiar with it...at the time, I did a quick look of the word and found it to be synonymous with evil and wicked.  I stopped consciously investigating the word at that point...However, when I would see this word in the poster for the movie, there was a sort of curiosity about it.  Words we do not really know are so much so a mystery.  I did not know if i knew how to in fact pronounce 'maleficent' correctly.  I was kind of reading it like 'male-ficent'..or 'male-ficient'...this didn't quite sound right to me...but I believed myself to not care anymore about it, and it would be just a word I would kind of disregard, and not really know all that well, while kind of justifying that I know enough about it because I connected it to 'evil and wicked'.

Maleficent

"causing or capable of producing evil or mischief; harmful or baleful. malefic, adjective. maleficence, noun. C17: from Latin maleficent-, from maleficus wicked, prone to evil, from malum evil."


Maleficent came up in discussion earlier today while sorting out perceptions of ego that I have been sorting out.  In my mind, so much so, I have regarded myself as, 'Magnificent'. Which, ironically is so much so Maleficent, from the perspective of playing the polarity flip flop in perceptions and deliberately choosing to pick the 'positive' associations to hold in mind as Being 'It' as the form and information that creates my character personality.

Ironically, what is missed within seeking out and defining oneself within the positive light, even with the best of intentions...is the split decision that results as outflow consequence of the accepted and allowed word relationships.  Let me further explain this:  See, if you deliberate take a word and you superimpose it onto yourself for all time, as like this is my form here, this is who I am...You are influencing your form here with the information you are using....which is an act of self-manipulation in so many ways as a result of not really understanding oneself here and how to in fact be capable of expressing words without limitation from moment to moment.  See, so longs as there are these formed impressions/definitions about oneself here as the character you are here...as the who you are completely defined....you are predictably trapped withing your own self-created mind construct.  A self-imprisonment if you will.

Why is this seemingly bad when it sounds like such a good idea to be specific with the words to define yourself as? Well, it's bad from the perspective, that it re-enforces the programming of  oneself being an automatic robot...predictable programming...and then just kind of playing out the various consequences of such a construction, because over time, the programming becomes more and more rooted in as what was accepted and allowed....it's so much more substantiated and self validated as what it means to be here.....All the While, Ironically, the ability to actually Express oneself in any given moment as any particular Word, Showcasing a complete range of flexibility in one's creative capacity to Act and Express what it means to live Responsibility.

See, if i look back into my earlier days, I figured I might as well self-define myself as the Best in the World.  My initial starting point perspective was definitely rooted in survival here, thinking that my greatness is in what I believe, as the rhyming of "what Believe, I can Achieve".  Interestingly enough, I didn't really question why I would really need to create this sort of ongoing Belief within myself...to me, it just seemed like a sort of trick to give myself a competitive edge here, from the perspective that it's up to me to create the best for myself.  Ironically, at that time I did not understand myself in relationship to others here, as like being various points of mirror reflection here...so, so much so I was well on my way in created dissonance within my perception of my shared reality here.  Ironically, with good intentions. 

To give some overall clarity in word relationships:

I've come to realize my capacity to express myself is within and as moments here.  So much so, the moment is a result of and as myself here as a complimentary player and action directing my response ability. 

The interesting thing here, and it is still a continuous process I am opening up, Is in taking the Care to see where I went into an Automatic Reaction in relationship to the relationships in my environment.  What is fascinating about this, is that by investigating the automated behavior which is reaction based, is just a going through the motions without really being an active living participant here...not too mention the play out, isn't really a self-directive play at all....though, ironically, within one's own mind, the reactions as one's actions, make total sense....complete total sense, because that is the very logic/programming that was authorized, whether consciously or unconsciously...the behavior characterization was consented and scripted into one's very own self-personified his/her story.

Words are creative tools for ourselves to express ourselves here.  Our ability to express ourselves effectively here is within our knowing how creative tools work in shaping our form as information from moment to moment.  The irony of course is that holding onto some words all the time, with particular charges about the word...as like it being energetically negative;y charged or positively charged...creates this wedge within oneself where our ability to move as the expression of our Potential is compromised within and as our very own Spelling.  

Let's together here, take a moment and explore the Self-responsible Play of Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding what it really means to express myself as living words from moment to moment as the movement of myself here as a sound.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I created my own self-authorized hypnosis within and from the starting point of wanting to be the best in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how my thinking is so much so a reactionary play out of the making of sense of what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the restrictions I have created upon my capacity to express myself and to see and hear what is here with clarity as a result of what I have self-authorized within myself as my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to really go in depth into looking at my starting point for wanting to be positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding that my status standing capacity to express myself from moment to moment is within and as my ability to self-correct my reactions from moment to moment and to create self-corrective solutions as an expression of me standing here from the starting point of Life - Oneness and Equality.  I realize and understand that this is a process of creative play and work as there is much to be done in seeing the errors of our ways and to seeing how we can move beyond accepted and allowed restrictions/limitations.  I realize that our a world is so much so a reflection of our words and our ability / inability to take accountability for our words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for nor realizing and understanding how each and every word is a multi dimensional tool and expression here and our ability to naturally play with the potential that exists here, is a result of our willingness to stop polarizing our accepted and allowed self-definitions here.  I realize our creative capacity is within our ability to remove the energetic charges from our words as this is so much so the key to a real world debt forgiveness, where we are no more enslaved to our own accepted and allowed bullshit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to thoroughly question What it is I am accepting and allowing,..I realize that is complete bullshit.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for logically self-manipulating myself into believing myself to be separate from the bullshit that exists here in our world,...and for believing myself to be not responsible for all the bullshit here.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how I have had a tendency to discount my capacity for change that is best for myself and others here.

I forgive myself for unwittingly accepting and allowing myself to be at war with the world.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the profound ironies within and as the military systems of control in this world and the amount of defenses/justifications and excuses I have created within myself as necessary as a result of how I am within and as my thoughts/emotions/feelings.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for defining myself as Magnificent in opposition of of Maleficent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying myself to be better than others within my thinking from a point of egoistic superiority as a result of believing that I am just better and more committed to self-defining my own greatness.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the self-compromise within making believe character personalities for oneself as like the consequential outflow of self-definition from the perspective of focusing on building up a positive self regard rooted in a conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding that the more one polarizes oneself here in language, the more difficult it is to in fact have effective relationships here.  I realize our real potential here in this world is within harmonizing the points of dissonance within our language/vocabulary.


I commit myself to sounding through the process of word and world accountability, by taking the time to investigate myself and world here and to in fact utilize all the different mirrors of self-reflection that exist here.

I commit myself to sharing my process or word and world relationships.

I commit myself to expressing my process of self-investigation here.

I commit myself to the moment by moment word movement and expression of myself here.

I commit myself to play with the development of my word and world potential here.

I commit myself to assist and support others to develop there creative capacity to play with what they say and to unlock the moment by moment potential of ourselves here as practical living word and world participants Here.

I commit myself to continue to share myself in writing.

I commit myself to stop flip flopping myself within the realms of positive and negative reactions as like absolute belief systems within myself.  

When and as I see myself becoming stuck within a moment, as like having a resistance to moving myself and taking directive responsibility for my participation, I stop and breathe, I have a look at my momentary accepted and allowed bullshit...i allow myself to sit within my shit for a moment, and really see what i am doing/accepting and allowing for myself here....I also acknowledge and realize that what I am accepting and allowing for myself here, I am in fact accepting and allowing for all of existence...I face my shit...and realize that enough is enough...time to play..time to move...time for fun...time for self expression.  I see the ridiculous absurdity in deliberately accepting and allowing self-suppression.  I commit myself to the process of practical living here.  I realize that this is a process unfoldment here, and that sometimes my movements may be lame and less than graceful.  I realize there is so much fun potential here in allowing myself permission to express myself from moment to moment.  I realize my capacity to live and express words from moment to moment, develops organically as I allow myself to work with my play here in all that I say and do.