Day 127 The Biggest Missing Piece

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for neglecting world problems as like global abuse because it's a shitty situation and Ive been more focused on self interested situations where I am living a 'good life' like having amusement and entertainment to keep me occupied and too busy to really give a shit about the work involved in facing world problems as like global abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for neglecting myself as creator here as self responsibility for creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for always having focused my self investigative research upon a positive charge as like a way to maintain energy addiction to positive experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having triggered the expansion of abuse in the worl by focusing myself on the obtainment of positivity as like positive experiences as like living a good life that is desired by others as like me being a winner because I have more than others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having justified my participation as self interest as like me separate from all of you because it's like a lottery and im just lucky and fortunate and well its not my fault and like I just want to be happy and enjoy myself and its too bad about the shitty situations here but like how can I be responsible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having placed value in getting positive reponses as like being valued and appreciated by my peers and that I should not challenge the fuckedness within us all because people dont like to be challenged because a challenge is work.

I forgive myself for not totally realising how my relations and interactions with others totally refelct my communication as like self investigation within myself as the point of brutal self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted going into specificity within myself too much as like woah its a lot of work and its not fun enjoyable work really in facing and realising accepted and allowed abuse as like total disregard for the well being of everything here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having accepted and allowed distraction systems within my mind as like guards protecting me from the truth of myself as a real being that gives a shit and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for allowing myself to focus my thoughts upon desires as like self interested entertainment as like separate from the group here as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having placed great value upon positive feedback and less value upon negative feedback...because its like the positive feedback comes with a lovey duvy buzz and the negative feedback is brutally raw and hits to the core of my being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising that stong criticisms as negative resposnes and concerns indicate that I am on the right track so to speak as like pushing myself and others as myself to really give a shit about ourselves being here and that abuse is totally unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having wasted time day dreaming about desires as like how to spend my time here in the future.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been stuck in the real of temptation as like the reasoned justification to the maintenance and expansion of and as hell on earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a major abuser/life terrorist as a result/consequence of being concerned about living the 'good life' as like from a point of survival as like aslong as I make it win and beat others out of the spot/position of privallege I am a great competitor that will be praised for being more than others as like wow disgusting disregard for what is happenning here on earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having weanted to avoid fear as like discomfort and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having not realised that by not wanting to face fear as like discomfort...more fear and discomfort is created as manifested consequence as like fucking brutality in action.

Day 126 Courage and Honor in Facing Brutality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having suppressed and avoided facing the brutality of myself as what I have accepted and allowed within myself throughout time with the courage and honour to execute self correction as a form of self perfection as like the self realisation that I will myself as form by purifying myself as self perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having justified myself as self suppression as a result of feeling uncomfortable when staring the brutality of me as my acceptances and allowances as separation.

I forgive myself for having avoided the hard work as self willed self discipline in slowly but surely moving through the accepted and allowed brutality within myself as like the polarity friction as accepted and allowed manifested friction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having just buried the brutality of me with positive thinking and a positive attitude that like it’s all good man like ya I just forgot about the shit I buried because I don’t want to take self responsibility for the brutal nature I have accepted and allowed because its like so fucking brutal and admitting my own brutality takes courages and honor because it’s a fucking brutal task/work/process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being defensive within myself as like an outflow as consequence to accepting and allowing a self righteous addiction as like an automated way within myself to hide from the truth of myself as like the brutal nature I have accepted and allowed and become as consequence of manifested acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having fueled the brutality within myself and the world as like trying to cover up the brutality that has manifested here as exstensive abuse because facing myself as an abuser is fucking brutal as like realising myself as the lowest low and to know that I fueled the highest highs within myself from holding onto and compounding the lowest lows.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having used drugs as like a temporary crutch as like a medication to regulate myself into a state of perception of like it’s all good man everything is awesome and lets just focus on the positive because the negative is the truth of ourselves and its brutal and it’s like a buzz killer and I wanted to create the highest buzz like a buzz so high that I am never not high.

I forgive myself for not realising the extent to which I was compromising myself by focusing on living and becoming the highest highs like placing myself above everyone where I sit atop my throne and look down upon everyone from my seat of total self righteousness based in separation of myself as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for not realising how strong I built up my guard as defense systems as to defend myself righteousness always because I realise I could manipulate myself in such a way that I could always derive a buzz from my actions by operating on guard as like an automated defense system to protect myself righteous indignation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having fallen so many times within and as self righteous indignation as like saying fuck you to myself as all as one as equal.

I realise I am slowly but surely bit by bit working through the brutality of me as consequence as like the manifested friction within me as like absolute abuse and disregard for myself as life as an equal and one creator responsible for my actions and the results of my actions.

I realise that as a result of having fallen so many times in so many different ways I have the opportunity to be a teacher to many by sharing my stories of consequence with the practical solutions to alleviate and avoid manifested consequences as accepting and allowing separation within myself as polarity friction as like highs and lows as feelings and emotions that were created from a spectrum of self appointed values in separation of myself by having been ignorant of myself as all as one as equal as being It here the source as the root of all evil.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to be flooded with emotions or feelings as like manifested consequences which are being shown to me in a moment as the result of my suppressions as the brutality I have buried within myself, I stop and breath...and I realise I am the courage and honor in facing the brutality of me with patience as like self determination in breath to allow myself to breathe myself out as like a grounding myself as like to realease the built up energies within my body that have compounded as like stress as like anger and irritation as consequence to accepting and allowing myself for having buried the brutality of myself.

Day 125 Purposeful Living

I am here as a labourer.  I am in the process of birthing myself as life from and as the physical.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for at times getting overwhelmed with the work involved in birthing myself as life from and as the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for at times wanting to give up on myself and my work as birthing myself as life from and as the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having gotten distracted from my process of birthing myself as life from and as the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted opening up and sharing my process of self realisation as like self correction as birthing myself as life from and as the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that sharing my process with many people will just be too overwhelming for many people to handle and that I should just avoid going there and overwhelming people.

I forgive myself for not realising the assistance and support I am capable of with my sharing.

I forgive myself for not realising how overwhelming assistance and support can be cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having feared causing very strong reactions in people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not liking it when people have very strong reactions to my sharing expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted conflict/confrontation and I forgive myself for not realising that conflict and confrontation are key indicators in and as self application in and as the process of labour as like birthing myself as life from the physical as I remove accepted and allowed polarity friction from within myself as I purify the nature of the law of my being to equality and oneness always.

I realise myself willed movement as key support and assistance in birthing myself as life from and as the physical with consistency and stability.

I realise that all here is a part of process.

I realise process as the starting point of existing here.

I realise myself as purposeful living as actively engaging myself in participating in life process as a labourer taking self responsibility to birth myself as life from and as the physical.

I realise the accumulation of small actions and the ripple effect that causes and stimulates great change.

I realise great change starts with small actions as like the first step is the beginning of a long journey that is that much closer to being completed with every self willed step.

I realise how I am and have been in preparation stages as training as like establishing myself as an effective facilitator for and as life process’s as like being a life teacher interested in living excellence as equality and oneness in and as a principled starting point for existing/participating/living here as an actual contribution to life maintenance as excellence in all ways.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to react to the work involved as purifying the law of my being as equality and oneness...I stop and breathe and realise the point of reaction as self reflection in exposing my accepted and allowed separation.

Day 124 What the Fuck Am I Living For?

So my whole life has been pretty much about satisfying desires and chasing desires and focusing on desires and living out desires like basically just doing whatever it is I enjoy.

At the same time it’s like ive spent so much time doing shit that I don’t really give a shit about but believe that by doing/indulging in shit I don’t care about I will be able to do things later that I give a shit about. (example university and schooling prior to university)

Schooling has consumed a lot of my time here. Like so many hours spent/taken.

Before beginning university which was my choice I believed that I didn’t really have a choice about going to university or not because I had made up in my mind that I want lots of money so that I am able to fulfill and satisfy all my desires as like to be able to do whatever I want...So its not that I was really passionate about wanting to do university...it was more like based on all the information ive been given...as like I am required to go to university if I would like to have a higher percentage chance of receiving a high paying salary/job/money than if I don’t go to university.

It’s interesting that I followed along with this mind set about schooling and money and at the same time I thought about being a teacher... teachers don’t really have that high of paying salary...it’s like ya they make money and its not one of the lowest paying salaries in the world but its far from being one of the highest paying salaries in the world...like its closer to being one of the shittiest salaries in the world than it is from being one of the highest...that is because the highest earning wages are so high

Being a teacher interested me because i thought of it as easy and that I would get summers off and I would have vacation time throughout the year at all the calendar holidays...its like being a teacher has interested me because of the amount of time I get to play...like and also I don’t really think of teaching as like work because its basically just sharing information.

Gym teacher was my preferred choice of teacher to be when I was in highschool and elementary school because I was interested in playing sports all the time.

In recent years stand up comedy has appealed to me as a career choice as like I see that as a super cool job...like just  rocking the microphone and sharing me as like saying what’s up and what i think and pointing things out and explaining how I see things...so like a stand up comedian has the potential to be an awesome teacher as I see the basics of being a teacher as sharing information.

Also I see standup comedy as cool because I would have lots of free time to play and do whatever I want because a top professional standup comedian doesn’t perform for more than a couple hours a day...it’s like a professional standup comedian is required to go about the day and take some notes here and there and write down the funny/ridiculousness/fuckedness/stupidity/absurdity/cool/silly/awesome/fun/dumb/weird/interesting/wild/crazy/stimulating shit.

It’s like I see stand up comedians as real life detectives digging up and exposing the funny that’s buried inside us all...like that’s we we share laughs as like we all got it within ourselves and it’s like when a detective/standup comedian accesses the shit that we got that has been buried it’s like the treasure within everyone else gets unburried too as like shared laughter is like self realisation as like aha I got it I get it i see what your saying because its in me to and I see the point I get the joke/bit/message...like were all at an age here on earth where shit is really fucking messy like really dirty shit...like total shit show

So Ive noticed how Ive been postponing kind of actually committing myself to being a professional stand up comedian...its like Ive commited myself to accepting myself as a professional standup comedian yet Ive had resistance to living it always and and actually persuing it...like its like ive made justifications as reasoning as like oh I’ll get to it...i’ll perform later...i just gotta focus on this this and this first and than I’ll do it...like ive just being doing my stand up comedy for free and on a small scale kind of...like Ive feared a little bit taking my standup comedy to a large scale audience...at the same time ive justified not pushing myself to a large scale audience because I want to be recognised as one of the best stand up comedians in the world and ive felt that I havent been ready... so I had given myself a few years of preparation...basically just keeping the commitment within myself and just going about practical living...practical living in the sense that Ive been making sure that I have all the basic necessities and some luxuries and ya,,,just kind of goofing around a little bit while trying to learn as much as I can about myself.

Sometimes ive had thoughts like I should just drop the whole self commitment to stand up comedy and just focus on amusing myself...like I don’t need to share my amusement/funny/realisations...etc...etc...etc...with as many people as possible....

Ive realised that sharing is caring...and treating people like I want to be treated is like the law of equality and oneness...and I recognise that my thoughts have exposed me looking to justify the suppression of myself as sharing is caring...and ya

Just before I began writing today or maybe as I just begun writing the point of wholesome anger emerged as I recalled having listened to Bernard poolman talk about wholesome anger.

At the beginning of this writing It’s like I was looking to point the finger and blame as like a way to go into anger that is not wholesome and than in that moment  as I was looking at what I was accepting and allowing within myself...its like I realised and understood the point of wholesome anger as like a cool living expression as like self support in pushing self willed movement as like self determination.

Ok so wholesome anger is like really giving s shit...like really giving a fuck...like real passion...like caring is sharing....like wanting what’s best for everyone...like not giving a shit if people like or dislike what I am sharing/expressing because my starting point for expressing sharing is clear based on and in principle as equality and oneness as whats best for everyone is the absolute best.

Wholesome anger is like facing self as anger and realising self as the fault line...as like the point of self responsibility to face own shit as like brutal acceptances and allowances that are appalling and scary nasty to look at like the filthiest deception of all time...like total abuse

And it’s like who wants to really look at the nastiest scariest brutal abusive self deception as like self being the point of responsibility as like recognising that it’s not all good man...like the earth is a supportive structure apparatus that we all inhabit likeour global playground...yet the playground is in fucking shitty condition...like really bad condition and no one wants to face the fact that each of us is responsible for the playground being in such shitty condition...like everyone just deflects from the point and points the point away from self as like the act of pointing the finger as separate from self and yes I recgonise my point of self responsibility in having the balls to talk about the shit that is least talked about as like it’s the shit everyone is afraid to really face as like being at fault for as like we are the ones responsible for the shit here that we don’t like and that we are perpetuating the shit here that we don’t like by living in denial as like not wanting hear and see ourselves as who we really are as creators as living equals....because than there cannot be excuses and work is required to be done as like taking self responsibility for all the mess we made as we created the age of message as no messages would be required if we cleaned up and farmed our shit like were responsible shitters like to not shit where we eat...fuck.

Bernard mentioned the relation to humans and pigs...and it’s fuck...think about it....it’s time to be accountable for our shit

It’s like Im in the process of going through all my shit as past acceptances and allowances that were in separation of what is best for all so that I can release the wasteful shit from within me and around me as like to purify my environment as like wholly holy shit.

Day 123 Letting thoughts go

 

SO today i had thoughts of i should just call in sick so i don’t have to go to work...i pushed through resistance as like the thoughts of giving in to train of thoughts saying get out of going to work so i can go back to sleep...and that at work there wasn’t very much work for me to do so i had thoughts about going into a back room and hiding out for a few hrs and taking a nap...however i let go of thoughts and did the little bit of work that was required and made myself available as a point of assistance for any other potential work/labour.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dwelling within possession of thoughts as like connected to emotion that i want to alleviate by believing that I should act out train of thought as like emotional back chat as like self imposed limitation/suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having dwelled within emotion as like entertaining/indulging in emotional back chat as like uncertainty of whether or not to give into suppression as like self imposed temptation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get emotionally possessed by thoughts and to remain stuck for a few moments or several moments within and like a statue as holding onto sound resonance of emotional backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not living the realisation of and as knowing the stupidity and absurdity of accepting and allowing emotional back chat possession for even one moment.

I realise the stupidity and absurdity of indulging and entertaining emotional back chat.

I realise myself direction comes from me recognising emotional backchat possession as like consequential outflow of past acceptances and allowances and that simply stopping participation of thoughts as like emotional backchat enables me as like power as will as self directive movement in choosing to  let go of self imposed limitations as like self suppressions.

I realise that pushing through ressitance as like letting go of emotional backchat as thoughts enables me to be present in the moment as like self responsibility to live what is best for all to the best of my abilities by applying.executing practical living as common sense simplistic principled application as like to keep it simple as living easy without self compromise as like I am labourer that labours equality and oneness within myself as I self correct separation from and and as equality and oneness.

I realise I am capable of directing myself here as what is best for all in every moment.

I realise that pushing through resistance by chooising to let go of possession as like being stoned as emotional back chat as like being taking for a ride as train of thought based in and as emotional reaction.

When and as I see myself thinking and contemplating wheter or not to give into tmeptaion as emotional self suppression as like giving up on myself...I stop and I breathe and I realise myself as self directed will to live as what is best for all from and as the principle of equality and oneness.

I commit myself to expose and stop emotional backchat within myself as self directed will to live as equality and oneness as awesomeness.

I commit myself to make jokes as a point of practical support in assistance in establishing practical living applications to let go of emotional back chat possessions by feeding/exposing/planting a seed of understanding/realisation of and as the ridiculousness as absurdity and stupidity as accepting and allowing oneself to be stuck within and as reaction as emotional backchat possession.