important shit

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Day 124 What the Fuck Am I Living For?

So my whole life has been pretty much about satisfying desires and chasing desires and focusing on desires and living out desires like basically just doing whatever it is I enjoy.

At the same time it’s like ive spent so much time doing shit that I don’t really give a shit about but believe that by doing/indulging in shit I don’t care about I will be able to do things later that I give a shit about. (example university and schooling prior to university)

Schooling has consumed a lot of my time here. Like so many hours spent/taken.

Before beginning university which was my choice I believed that I didn’t really have a choice about going to university or not because I had made up in my mind that I want lots of money so that I am able to fulfill and satisfy all my desires as like to be able to do whatever I want...So its not that I was really passionate about wanting to do was more like based on all the information ive been like I am required to go to university if I would like to have a higher percentage chance of receiving a high paying salary/job/money than if I don’t go to university.

It’s interesting that I followed along with this mind set about schooling and money and at the same time I thought about being a teacher... teachers don’t really have that high of paying’s like ya they make money and its not one of the lowest paying salaries in the world but its far from being one of the highest paying salaries in the its closer to being one of the shittiest salaries in the world than it is from being one of the highest...that is because the highest earning wages are so high

Being a teacher interested me because i thought of it as easy and that I would get summers off and I would have vacation time throughout the year at all the calendar holidays...its like being a teacher has interested me because of the amount of time I get to and also I don’t really think of teaching as like work because its basically just sharing information.

Gym teacher was my preferred choice of teacher to be when I was in highschool and elementary school because I was interested in playing sports all the time.

In recent years stand up comedy has appealed to me as a career choice as like I see that as a super cool just  rocking the microphone and sharing me as like saying what’s up and what i think and pointing things out and explaining how I see like a stand up comedian has the potential to be an awesome teacher as I see the basics of being a teacher as sharing information.

Also I see standup comedy as cool because I would have lots of free time to play and do whatever I want because a top professional standup comedian doesn’t perform for more than a couple hours a’s like a professional standup comedian is required to go about the day and take some notes here and there and write down the funny/ridiculousness/fuckedness/stupidity/absurdity/cool/silly/awesome/fun/dumb/weird/interesting/wild/crazy/stimulating shit.

It’s like I see stand up comedians as real life detectives digging up and exposing the funny that’s buried inside us that’s we we share laughs as like we all got it within ourselves and it’s like when a detective/standup comedian accesses the shit that we got that has been buried it’s like the treasure within everyone else gets unburried too as like shared laughter is like self realisation as like aha I got it I get it i see what your saying because its in me to and I see the point I get the joke/bit/ were all at an age here on earth where shit is really fucking messy like really dirty total shit show

So Ive noticed how Ive been postponing kind of actually committing myself to being a professional stand up comedian...its like Ive commited myself to accepting myself as a professional standup comedian yet Ive had resistance to living it always and and actually persuing its like ive made justifications as reasoning as like oh I’ll get to it...i’ll perform later...i just gotta focus on this this and this first and than I’ll do ive just being doing my stand up comedy for free and on a small scale kind Ive feared a little bit taking my standup comedy to a large scale the same time ive justified not pushing myself to a large scale audience because I want to be recognised as one of the best stand up comedians in the world and ive felt that I havent been ready... so I had given myself a few years of preparation...basically just keeping the commitment within myself and just going about practical living...practical living in the sense that Ive been making sure that I have all the basic necessities and some luxuries and ya,,,just kind of goofing around a little bit while trying to learn as much as I can about myself.

Sometimes ive had thoughts like I should just drop the whole self commitment to stand up comedy and just focus on amusing I don’t need to share my amusement/funny/realisations...etc...etc...etc...with as many people as possible....

Ive realised that sharing is caring...and treating people like I want to be treated is like the law of equality and oneness...and I recognise that my thoughts have exposed me looking to justify the suppression of myself as sharing is caring...and ya

Just before I began writing today or maybe as I just begun writing the point of wholesome anger emerged as I recalled having listened to Bernard poolman talk about wholesome anger.

At the beginning of this writing It’s like I was looking to point the finger and blame as like a way to go into anger that is not wholesome and than in that moment  as I was looking at what I was accepting and allowing within myself...its like I realised and understood the point of wholesome anger as like a cool living expression as like self support in pushing self willed movement as like self determination.

Ok so wholesome anger is like really giving s really giving a real caring is wanting what’s best for not giving a shit if people like or dislike what I am sharing/expressing because my starting point for expressing sharing is clear based on and in principle as equality and oneness as whats best for everyone is the absolute best.

Wholesome anger is like facing self as anger and realising self as the fault like the point of self responsibility to face own shit as like brutal acceptances and allowances that are appalling and scary nasty to look at like the filthiest deception of all total abuse

And it’s like who wants to really look at the nastiest scariest brutal abusive self deception as like self being the point of responsibility as like recognising that it’s not all good the earth is a supportive structure apparatus that we all inhabit likeour global playground...yet the playground is in fucking shitty really bad condition and no one wants to face the fact that each of us is responsible for the playground being in such shitty everyone just deflects from the point and points the point away from self as like the act of pointing the finger as separate from self and yes I recgonise my point of self responsibility in having the balls to talk about the shit that is least talked about as like it’s the shit everyone is afraid to really face as like being at fault for as like we are the ones responsible for the shit here that we don’t like and that we are perpetuating the shit here that we don’t like by living in denial as like not wanting hear and see ourselves as who we really are as creators as living equals....because than there cannot be excuses and work is required to be done as like taking self responsibility for all the mess we made as we created the age of message as no messages would be required if we cleaned up and farmed our shit like were responsible shitters like to not shit where we eat...fuck.

Bernard mentioned the relation to humans and pigs...and it’s fuck...think about’s time to be accountable for our shit

It’s like Im in the process of going through all my shit as past acceptances and allowances that were in separation of what is best for all so that I can release the wasteful shit from within me and around me as like to purify my environment as like wholly holy shit.

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