So my whole life has been pretty much about satisfying
desires and chasing desires and focusing on desires and living out desires like
basically just doing whatever it is I enjoy.
At the same time it’s like ive spent so much time doing shit
that I don’t really give a shit about but believe that by doing/indulging in shit
I don’t care about I will be able to do things later that I give a shit about.
(example university and schooling prior to university)
Schooling has consumed a lot of my time here. Like so many
hours spent/taken.
Before beginning university which was my choice I believed
that I didn’t really have a choice about going to university or not because I
had made up in my mind that I want lots of money so that I am able to fulfill
and satisfy all my desires as like to be able to do whatever I want...So its not
that I was really passionate about wanting to do university...it was more like
based on all the information ive been given...as like I am required to go to
university if I would like to have a higher percentage chance of receiving a
high paying salary/job/money than if I don’t go to university.
It’s interesting that I followed along with this mind set
about schooling and money and at the same time I thought about being a
teacher... teachers don’t really have that high of paying salary...it’s like ya
they make money and its not one of the lowest paying salaries in the world but
its far from being one of the highest paying salaries in the world...like its
closer to being one of the shittiest salaries in the world than it is from
being one of the highest...that is because the highest earning wages are so
high
Being a teacher interested me because i thought of it as
easy and that I would get summers off and I would have vacation time throughout
the year at all the calendar holidays...its like being a teacher has interested
me because of the amount of time I get to play...like and also I don’t really
think of teaching as like work because its basically just sharing information.
Gym teacher was my preferred choice of teacher to be when I
was in highschool and elementary school because I was interested in playing
sports all the time.
In recent years stand up comedy has appealed to me as a
career choice as like I see that as a super cool job...like just rocking the microphone and sharing me as like
saying what’s up and what i think and pointing things out and explaining how I
see things...so like a stand up comedian has the potential to be an awesome teacher
as I see the basics of being a teacher as sharing information.
Also I see standup comedy as cool because I would have lots
of free time to play and do whatever I want because a top professional standup
comedian doesn’t perform for more than a couple hours a day...it’s like a
professional standup comedian is required to go about the day and take some
notes here and there and write down the
funny/ridiculousness/fuckedness/stupidity/absurdity/cool/silly/awesome/fun/dumb/weird/interesting/wild/crazy/stimulating
shit.
It’s like I see stand up comedians as real life detectives
digging up and exposing the funny that’s buried inside us all...like that’s we
we share laughs as like we all got it within ourselves and it’s like when a
detective/standup comedian accesses the shit that we got that has been buried
it’s like the treasure within everyone else gets unburried too as like shared
laughter is like self realisation as like aha I got it I get it i see what your
saying because its in me to and I see the point I get the
joke/bit/message...like were all at an age here on earth where shit is really
fucking messy like really dirty shit...like total shit show
So Ive noticed how Ive been postponing kind of actually
committing myself to being a professional stand up comedian...its like Ive
commited myself to accepting myself as a professional standup comedian yet Ive
had resistance to living it always and and actually persuing it...like its like
ive made justifications as reasoning as like oh I’ll get to it...i’ll perform
later...i just gotta focus on this this and this first and than I’ll do
it...like ive just being doing my stand up comedy for free and on a small scale
kind of...like Ive feared a little bit taking my standup comedy to a large
scale audience...at the same time ive justified not pushing myself to a large
scale audience because I want to be recognised as one of the best stand up
comedians in the world and ive felt that I havent been ready... so I had given
myself a few years of preparation...basically just keeping the commitment
within myself and just going about practical living...practical living in the
sense that Ive been making sure that I have all the basic necessities and some
luxuries and ya,,,just kind of goofing around a little bit while trying to
learn as much as I can about myself.
Sometimes ive had thoughts like I should just drop the whole
self commitment to stand up comedy and just focus on amusing myself...like I
don’t need to share my amusement/funny/realisations...etc...etc...etc...with as
many people as possible....
Ive realised that sharing is caring...and treating people
like I want to be treated is like the law of equality and oneness...and I
recognise that my thoughts have exposed me looking to justify the suppression
of myself as sharing is caring...and ya
Just before I began writing today or maybe as I just begun
writing the point of wholesome anger emerged as I recalled having listened to
Bernard poolman talk about wholesome anger.
At the beginning of this writing It’s like I was looking to
point the finger and blame as like a way to go into anger that is not wholesome
and than in that moment as I was looking
at what I was accepting and allowing within myself...its like I realised and
understood the point of wholesome anger as like a cool living expression as
like self support in pushing self willed movement as like self determination.
Ok so wholesome anger is like really giving s shit...like
really giving a fuck...like real passion...like caring is sharing....like
wanting what’s best for everyone...like not giving a shit if people like or
dislike what I am sharing/expressing because my starting point for expressing
sharing is clear based on and in principle as equality and oneness as whats
best for everyone is the absolute best.
Wholesome anger is like facing self as anger and realising
self as the fault line...as like the point of self responsibility to face own
shit as like brutal acceptances and allowances that are appalling and scary
nasty to look at like the filthiest deception of all time...like total abuse
And it’s like who wants to really look at the nastiest
scariest brutal abusive self deception as like self being the point of
responsibility as like recognising that it’s not all good man...like the earth
is a supportive structure apparatus that we all inhabit likeour global
playground...yet the playground is in fucking shitty condition...like really
bad condition and no one wants to face the fact that each of us is responsible
for the playground being in such shitty condition...like everyone just deflects
from the point and points the point away from self as like the act of pointing
the finger as separate from self and yes I recgonise my point of self
responsibility in having the balls to talk about the shit that is least talked
about as like it’s the shit everyone is afraid to really face as like being at
fault for as like we are the ones responsible for the shit here that we don’t
like and that we are perpetuating the shit here that we don’t like by living in
denial as like not wanting hear and see ourselves as who we really are as
creators as living equals....because than there cannot be excuses and work is
required to be done as like taking self responsibility for all the mess we made
as we created the age of message as no messages would be required if we cleaned
up and farmed our shit like were responsible shitters like to not shit where we
eat...fuck.
Bernard mentioned the relation to humans and pigs...and it’s
fuck...think about it....it’s time to be accountable for our shit
It’s like Im in the process of going through all my shit as
past acceptances and allowances that were in separation of what is best for all
so that I can release the wasteful shit from within me and around me as like to
purify my environment as like wholly holy shit.
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