Day 793 - Mind Superior Royalty

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lock myself up within my word relationships in such a sneaky and deceptive manner of self-trickery that I resist to even speak or write about it....because the pain of self-condemnation as an Inferior and an Imbecile is heart breakingly embarrassing to myself as Mind Superior Royalty who is Superior to such characterizations and behaviours.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize nor understand the significance of my words and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist taking authority for my world and words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate direction to misalignment within and as my word and world relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dismiss the extent of my errors and suppression within and as my relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize nor really extensively investigate myself within and as my words as the science and structured signs of myself here as how I have specifically created myself to be exactly as I am in this moment here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize nor understand how I created my world through and as the specific impressions i created within and as the words within myself and how it is my words that are in fact very questionable always as my words are the explanation to why my world is exactly the way it is. I realize my words are not valid as an excuse of justification for why and how I am here within and as the world. I realize who and how I have existed within and as the world as been an excuse and justification, in a way, my ignorance and incompetence, a lack of Life regard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for seeking stimulation externally to charge myself internally as how I have conditioned my preferences within my mind for feeding off of my physical body from day to day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust within my thinking as how to best feed off my body for energetic highs and lows as to give me the perfect chemical concoction i desire in the moment to satisfy a seemingly internal and external craving for more and more consumption.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the addiction i have created within and as my mind to feed off myself, my life, all life as an energetic kick back. Conflict.

Tension for the attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crave the continuous pulsation of tension within my body to feel something, because without a constant stressing and straining in way of engagement i have an experience of being unfulfilled.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring to get my fill of consumption, a point of tension in creating rifts, conflict, as various forms of self-abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how extensively integrated my conditioned behavior and personality is for destructive self-abuse...and therefore world abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to get real, make the daily commitment to deconstruct my constructions of word/world relationships that i exist in and as separation to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck around with actually living words for real and creating myself and world as I would like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make believe that really investigating myself within and as Words is something that is not totally necessary....is entertaining and enjoyable but at the same time a lot of effort and work and therefor avoidable and personally i rather go about this process of word/world entanglement in a less than organized and structured manner because the task and process is overwhelming to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed with the process of word and world entanglement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i must think of everything before i can really do anything.\

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding myself back from playing and working on Potential developments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how One in fact goes about Creating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist being totally self-honest with myself here and that I haven't understood Creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking inferior to others in my understanding, knowledge and application of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to penalize myself within and as a result of conditioning myself to be controlled through fear of not Knowing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the process of Know thy Self, is to in fact stand in the face of Not Knowing, and to from here, Walk, take the steps to: Investigating, Learning, Asking Questions, play and work with things so that I know.

Day 779 - Names and the Fit of Descriptions as Our Words in Motion

I enjoy playing golf.   At times, golf can trigger a whole bunch of emotions within myself. It's interesting to even listen to myself say that.  "golf can trigger a whole bunch of emotions within myself."  I mean, it's me as golf and the specifics of the relationships dynamic particulars from moment to moment....as like how I specifically name/defined the particulars of any given moment and situation on the the golf course.  Like for instance and example here:  Approaching my golf ball and looking at the potential shot I can hit here and then thinking about my ability to do it....like a sort of judgment and value created belief in my capacity to do the shot...where it's like the whole nature of the thinking is sometimes glossed in a fear of fucking up the moment, missing the shot, not performing the result I see that is needed/best....and then from here, taking myself into a sort of self-talk pep talk as like a sort of self-religion of pep-talk, as like a self-believed comfort talk in focus on performing the motions that are needed.  But in questioning this automotive conditioning that comes up from time to time with regards to various moments, is the very fact and nature of this 'fear' hidden beneath this 'self-talk' at like the very core of myself as who I am in relationship to the moment.  And this 'Fear', essentially rooted into my core being belief structured thinking is justified logically within and as my conscious mind of thought, which comes out seemingly natural as who I am...and thus, seemingly very believable.  Believable, yes, because  it is the very self-reflection of my self-created belief systems.  And the kicker and the irony is that it is entirely fucked up....like in a way that I would not like for myself or for anyone...because the starting point as has been mentioned earlier is Fear.  Fear being a sort of paralyzing function in and as complete self-trust....the ability to move oneself in and as a state of confidence.

In taking regard here for myself within and as the layering conditioning of the psychology of myself within and as Fear as the resulting process which triggers the conscious self-talk / pep-talk as like how to move myself through a motion of action,....Is a very interesting point of Question and Investigation...Because I see this being a sort of self-created disharmony in the music that is me here as harmony.   What do I mean by this?   I mean, it's like I am creating a rift in my ability to naturally perform a specific motion and movement with effortless ease, power, precision, clarity and exact specificity.  See, I see myself and everyone having a natural learning ability....and our naturally learning ability is innate, a given that all life has been gifted with.  Now, this is where the story gets interesting, See, we all have this extraordinary....extra-ordinary ability...yet our knowing and understanding of ourselves as it gets complicated and confusing throughout time, due to the extensive nature of how we have allowed ourselves to play/work/develop our abilities here.  See, I see that our playing here as a grand generalization has been to a certain extent, very lackluster...where we sort of write ourselves off in one way or another,...Ironically and totally not realizing ourselves as the very narrator and authority who ultimately decides and designs the results of our actions/reactions/non-actions.

To be continued Here:

note:  I wanted to open this up to get the ball rolling and really get into the best swing of things as starting the momentum within and as a topic of profound awesomeness in so many ways that really is the epitome of and as our ability to create ourselves  as our lives in ways that are fun, enjoyable, and all ways Best here.

Cheeeeers :)

Day 770 - The Lame Fear

You get what you don't want and You get what you want, so either way, you Get it.  Get It? Get It!  Got it.

I noticed I fear being Lame.  Like, I do not want to appear weak or lame or somewhat inept in my participation, whatever that may be.  Ironically enough, what you really don't want, you get more of..when your starting point is in opposition of that very thing...it's like a homeopathic remedy and equation in so many ways....where the thing that is here to support you the most, is the very thing you are "fighting" and in "conflict" about. Tragically ironic indeed.  It's like creating  more and more consequence, a bigger and bigger mistake...to either be the cause of one's demise...or the Very Solution Remedy Cure here.  Funny, because everything is it...and where shit gets complicated is in and as how we have tagged it. You know that very elementary game of Tag You are it?  The word spelling's we imprint as our character impressions...not realizing the forgeries we are creating, because it's a fake of sorts, a conscious/unconscious incompetence. Not as the Knot in and as our not realizing what we are doing to ourselves...our cells here in and as our world here.

I noticed how I have been perpetuating a mind fuck within my world participation's within this point of fearing to be Lame. In many ways this perpetuates a sort of inferiority/superiority play out of characters....where it's like I go into a sort of De-siding....I mean, deciding...as like a self-censorship within participating within a point, or a sort of self-righteous superiority/Inferiority.  Though, there is the alternative to both these conflicting realities...which is me being here, clear from fear.  Though the very instance of me having moments of being clear from fear is very questionable,...because it's like a moment of fresh air, a breath of life...and then it's gone and into some sort of self-perpetuating stagnation or drowning.  Like forgetting how to swim for a moment...ironically enough, it's more like disabling my swimming ability in a moment, as like choosing to impair my ability with the acceptance and allowance of fear to be the commanding authority in relationship to the points of ability in question as my response abilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing the word Lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how much I have allowed myself to have a fearful relationship with the word lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how much I have limited/suppressed my natural learning ability as a result of fearing to be Lame/Weak within a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the Irony relationship Tool and How it Links specifically with Fear in and as a Word Relationship.  As like a realm of Fear is at the core of accepted and allowed issues/conflicts/problems within an individual relationship. And, why this is so ironic, is because it is the very Fearful relationship with specific regards to the word in question that keeps the problem/conflict/mistake/misfortune alive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which i have self-censored my potential as a result of accepting and allowing myself to be in opposition/fear towards the word Lame. I forgive myself for not realizing the irony within fearing to be or be perceived as Lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the extent to which process is a tragic/divine comedy play out here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how Irony can be a rather specific tool for investigating words, where you can use the word Irony as a sort of cross reference where you have a look to see if you are being ironically stuck within the very word you are making a concerted effort to investigate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how cool a tool Irony is within investigating words as like a fun and funny play to aid in and as the word investigation/exploration. - See more at: http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2016/02/day-769-exploring-word-lame.html#sthash.hpDhwsRP.dpuf

Day 768 - Lame Communication

 


I am working on developing my effectiveness in communication.  I see communication as Paramount.  Communication is Life. Communication is integral in building the best quality Life Here. Communication is Everything.


I bring up these seemingly obvious points about Communication here because I am taking a moment here to give regard to my accepted and allowed communication:

Some cool self reflection opened op for me today in hosting, "Desteni Movie Night Hangout -Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke."
 My guest cancelled last minute / confused the start time.  This presented me with the opportunity to go it alone, and that I did.  I wasn't expecting to talk for 52 minutes, doing a monologue, I was expecting to have a conversation with my guest, asking and directing the response of questions, while making some comments here and there.

About 10 minutes or so in...and i think also sooner than that, the point came into mind that i am sort of bombing this hangout...like a little bit stumbling and bumbly with my word flow sharing expression and knowing where i want to go and take things....and also kind of placing a little bit of pressure/judgement upon myself as like I am doing this live without any preparation and nobody is tuning in live....'what's the point....my performance is kind of lame...not nearly as tight and polished as I could be...my flow is less than what I would regard as stellar...the experience of myself within this is somewhat challenging...as like bailing out would stop the bleeding, as like i am experiencing the wounds of my accpeted and allowed discomforts within expressing/communicating myself here unconditional on the spot without a preprogrammed rehearsal so that i can give a sort of automative predicatable performance that i know already.

So in looking at these points and having a real Care to push myself to continue on with the show, I showcased myself some weakeness in my communication.  This was really cool for myself as it was like a wow moment and an aha, as towards the end of the hanging there was a bit of a shit that happened within me as like finally coming into my confidence and and my flow/trust/expression was coming through a bit more.  I do see that this showing here on a whole was a bit of a flop from my perspective of being a solo performer doing a big set.  I mean how often is it that we put ourselves out there and monologue for 52 minutes? I found this to be a real tipping point for myself in my process here, as someone who is committed to the development and mastery of the law of my being here, as the practical living sound embodiment of words.  A word smith if you will...

I see the tremendous value in committing myself to vlogging as a process point of support for myself and others here.  I see that not doing this is a real know within the process of self-purification here.  I speak from experience as I created a sorted of justified censorship on speaking/sharing my voice publically out of concern for public judgment/ridicule/consequence.  Ultimately my reasoning was very much logical within my mind as the programming of my conditioned thinking...and this state of mind, kept me from noticing deficiencies within my word expressions here, and really has been a tragic comedy of sorts because my effectiveness in communication is less than my best potential at the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the profound support within vlogging.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dismissing the value within vlogging as a result of my accepted and allowed ego defense systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying a sort of self sacrifice of my potential out of fear for survival here, as like ways to prevent possible conflicting engagements that may require my response capable communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to see the points within myself that are lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to hide from what I have accepted and allowed that is lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing my self-regard to such an extent that I would justify remaining lame within points that could be development into a practical living potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for censoring myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I have resisted to engage myself on points of self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not wanting to appear less than well developed within a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting the learning/birthing process here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding that paying attention here is the epitome of patience, and that to really pay attention is to in fact practically live the word care....and within the word care is where the fun is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mindfuck myself within and as how i think my communication should go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to trust myself unconditionally here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying self-censorship as a means of avoiding and adverting conflict.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how i have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the existence of conflict within myself by 'trying' to avoid conflict in communication with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding my flexibility as self-responsibility here to actually and practically create solutions that are awesome in all ways here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to live the patience required to actually Care to be here in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for pushing through my life without taking the time to care about what it is i am accepting and allowing within my thoughts/words/deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying the reliance of others to stimulate my movement and communication here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which I have allowed myself to be dependent on existing in reaction here....as like mostly being moved as a result of the positive or negative i experience within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to really challenge my acceptances and allowances.  I realizing that engaging myself is a real practical way to live patience and self-intimacy here.  I realize that this is actually a lot of fun!

I commit myself to the process of developing myself in communication as thought, word and deed.

I commit myself to working and playing with my words.

I commit myself to trusting myself in thought/word/deed/

I commit myself to investigating my thoughts/words/deeds/

I realize the process of self-investigation as thoughts/words/deeds is a very fruitful opportunity, and I am grateful to give myself this opportunity that has so much potential.  I realize the potential is a result of my dedicated labor here.  I realize and understand the balance between work and play as like how the to can exist together complimentary and also as opposites in focused specificty...and i see how the words are in me always and that my fine tuning of moment to moment management is where my expression is as i get to direct the specifics of myself here.

I commit myself to vlogging.

I commit myself to sharing the self-realization that vlogging is a tremendous tool of profound support that is like one of the best gifts one can give to oneself here.

I commit myself to engaging myself to face the difficult points within myself and to from here, forgive myself and to create solutions for myself as new pathways of self-development in my personal process walking here.

I commit myself to using my voice as a point of self-reflection here.  I commit myself to self-investigation.

I commit myself to sharing Life regard.

I commit myself to engaging myself within and as Communication.

When and as I see myself resisting to do a vlog, I stop and breathe, I allow myself to make one.  I realize that making vlogging a regular part of my process here is awesome in all ways always.

I commit myself to the process of developing my self-expressions within vlogging.

I commit myself to stop fearing what other people think of me.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to suppress my voice here.

I commit myself to developing and enhancing my voice here as a result of working and playing with my voice here.

I commit myself to practically living my voice here.

I realize and understand my voice to be a fantastic tool here to express myself within/as/without.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging/fearing lame communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing vulnerability in developing weaknesses into strengths.


I commit myself to stop resisting to face points that are difficult/awkward.  I commit myself to seek out points of resistance, that are lame and awkward within myself to in fact take these points on as seeds I will nurture into a practical living potential here.

I commit myself to word and world regard here as what is best for all Life.



'Lao Tzu, the ancient father of Taoism, put it: “Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don't have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don't want to.’”  Make the time to communicate'