I've been facing the characters of myself as how I have conditioned myself to respond in a plethora of scenarios. What's interesting to see is myself as the array of characters and also to within various forms of interactions/engagements where sometimes i have a particular resistance towards a certain type of character and it's like i want to move on and away from that character as quickly as possible because I see something in them that I don't like.
Lets look at this point of seeing something in another person that i don't like.
The things i see in other people at times are ugly, undesirable, awkward, overcompensation, fake, fucked, bullshit, superiority, inferiority, volatile, scripted, Routine, justification and excuses.
These are all points of myself that i am working through.
for practical purposes here: I am going to take one word:
JUSTIFICATION
I've been getting so angry when reading and speaking with others and Justification comes up. Like this up sets me very much. The irony of this is it is showing a deeply embedded point within me.
What I have noticed about myself within and as my day to day living as JUSTIFICATION, is that it has been a point of self-suppression, a form of accepted and allowed defense system that I use as a form of Offense and Attack on myself that is projected outward onto others to compensate with a form of suppression/depression existent within myself.
Let me further clarify:
Justification has been used by me as a sort of Self-narration to Explain myself to others my Point of View as in why I am Right within my Living as the decisions I am making and have made. Justification is the Excuses I create as the ways to validate Inferiority within myself as Accepting less than my Best Potential.
I've been using Justification as a form of aggressive Offense where I would instantly go into an automated reactionary response where I experience the urgency to Explain myself and my actions to others. Fucked up in a lot of ways, because what this reveals upon further investigation is how I am manipulating myself in participation through others. Meaning, I use my participations with others to validate my behavior and pattern where i superimpose a sort of Validating and Accepting response/reaction in others the way i position my sharing of information as JUSTIFICATION.
SEE:
Justification has been my way to say, " Just If I see a Tie On". Meaning also: Just if I/Me/You can see the connection I am making here and accept it as the terms of the Contract I am presenting here as my word scheme as my Pyramid layered self-deception.
Vulnerability has been a support word for me in going deeper into investigating JUSTIFICATION within myself.
Vulnerability is cool because I within and as Vulnerability I am strong in standing in and as Weakness. I move past my dissonance and stand as the point of accounting for my acceptances and allowances that are not cool.
The experiences I encounter within and as my vulnerability are very challenging at times as there is often a certain amount of intensity that comes up and that has manifested in a myriad of ways in my body in various moments...and so I've made a sort of game and challenge for myself in being my own DETECTIVE in making a play and work of Identifying the Specifics of the experience that surfaces and comes up within myself. What is very fascinating about this detective process of self-investigation for me is that my behavior and patterns are Learned over time, Layered within and as Specific Memories of past acceptances and allowances. So much fun and excitement in a way of creating the path of self-discovery with going into the seemingly Unknown of myself. Unknown from the point of not realizing and understanding how exactly i self-sabotaged, self-suppressed myself in the first place!
This process of self-exploration as taking on the staring point responsibility here as an Existential Detective has been a journey and an adventure for each and everyone. My ability to relate and share and teach and learn has improved immensely. The quality of my life is a continued improvement because I Keep letting go of baggage that is unnecessary to hold onto as impressions of suppression as the points and moments in memory as Not Understanding and Realizing myself here as Life, One and Equal.
I enjoy learning so much.
I encourage each and everyone to dare to go deep within and as your participation's with others and the activities you participate within alone...and really see what you think about others and the activities you participate within ,,,and really get to know your weaknesses, you know, The Justifications.....the Just if I see a Tie On.
Remember:
Justification in and of itself can be a cool tool to see where we work to create explanation in our actions...and actually understanding the nature of justification as why we are wanting to manipulate our information in a particular way.
Do we see how Manipulation is Complimentary in action to Justification?
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