Day 773 - DOUBT

 

DOUBT:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which I have dis-empowered myself within and as a result of holding onto an energetic 'doubt' within myself, ...as the 'damned if I do and damned if i don't experience'....perpetuating a sort of stagnation, see sawing back and forth within myself...thinking maybe this way is best, maybe this way is best...a sort of stressful restlessness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the irony within holding onto an energetic doubt within myself....is that what results is a whole lot of nothing...but a lot of humming and hawing...as like maaaaaaaybe......a lot of wasted time and energy into thinking about things, but never really actually doing anything. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a wrong decision to such an extent that I would rather avoid making a decision all together. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not recognizing the the ridiculousness of this behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my existence to be a sort of doubt filled dwelling. As like just thinking of the possibilities without ever really pushing myself to act swiftly and promptly within and as my decision making process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the time wasted within and as the fear of making a bad decision...like by deliberately allowing more and more time to think about it.....that the point in question could in fact have been faced by making a decision one way or the other way....but by allowing such postponement on decision making, just allows one's life to compound in limbo....like a sort of state of purgatory....where it's like being fucked on both sides...as like being mind fucked out of the potential good and bad consequence of the situation. A great travesty/deception really.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the travesty and deception of allowing doubt to linger as a reason for indecision and postponement on decision making.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be cowardly in my thoughts/words/deeds as a result of resisting to take self-responsibility for the doubt inside myself.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to wait on making a decision, I stop and look at why this is in fact what I am doing. I self-honestly assess what is holding me back. I realize that in some instances there is much accounting to do before making a decision on particular matters. I realize it's not to push a polarized self-sabotage by superimposing that one must always be quick on decisions. I realize it's a point of practicality within and as the decision making process here. I realize it is a matter of being self-honest about the points that are here within myself...as this is the real accounting here....See the accounting here is the specifics of and as my word recognition's....because each word of consideration as like the main points is a sort of conglomeration of relationships being put together within myself...and so a key starting point is to write all the words down so to get clarity on the specifics of the accounting.

When and as I see myself wanting to postpone looking at things/decisions here, I stop and breathe, I make note of the specifics that i am deliberately looking to postpone/avoid. I recognize these points as the key points of the matter here...as the main points that need to be accounted for...as like there is some balancing required here...because these points...which can be represented by specific word relationships are out of alignment as how I am existing in relationship to them. So what is cool here, is that sorting myself out is a matter of vocabulary. Word recognition is the key to being effective in and as the world here. I realize there's no valid reason to take my acceptances and allowances personally from the perspective of punishing myself for what i have realized, but to actually move one.....'moving on' is key here...as the taking of self-responsibility in restructuring my life word/world relationships in ways that are best for all life. I realize in identifying the problem/issue, I in fact empower myself within and as self-responsibility to create/direct/develop a solution.

I commit myself to being bold in facing my accepted and allowed doubt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using doubt as an excuse and justification for non participation within my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate self-responsibilities within and as the acceptance and allowance of self-doubt as a reason and excuse to justify accepting and allowing inferiority within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to look and see how in fact the ego of superiority is glossed within and as the doubt of inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the correlation between doubt, ego, and blame as like a trinity of fuckedness as different angled ways in which one can create a mind fucked prison for oneself. I realize that there is other key words in which I have fucked myself in perpetuating a sort of doubtful existence, like justification, reasoning, logic, manipulation, self-sabotage....I realize that in a lot of ways, I exhibited a lot of ways to remain stuck within the core point here...and that being a real lack of self-independence and self-trust as the care taker and authority of me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have in fact forgot about living my life in so many instances as a result of accepting and allowing myself to exist as the very fear which permeates a doubt filled mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how a doubt filled mind is one of such fear, though ironically the fear of massive amounts of inferiority is so deeply hidden behind the surface layer of bullshit which is known and regarded as the positive back chat of super ego superiority where one asserts one's self-righteousness without actually really doing anything but scaring/separating the shit out of oneself, and ultimately missing out on a lot of awesome potential moments of shared enjoyment here. I realize and understand the isolation within and as the ego superiority of self-doubt. I realize the ridiculousness of perpetuating such an extensive bullshit story.

I realize that keeping the fearful doubt experience alive within myself is like deliberately trying to waste myself away here. I commit myself to stop wasting myself away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to invalidate myself to such an extent that I am searching and seeking for validation, and direction as some sort of answer as to what i should do....and ironically within all this, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand my self-authority, myself actualization, myself realization here, myself-honesty, myself-trust, myself-responsibility here...myself as the creator of myself here.