Day 488 Undermining My Own Authority

So, the point has surface this evening with regards to this law paper I am writing about justice and dominance with regards to distributive means.

The point being, that I am doubting myself as source authority within writing.  Like, I doubt the validity of my own words, well not really doubting the validity of my own words directly,....but more so doubting and questioning how my essay will be received by professor/teaching assistance who is grading my paper. I doubt the teacher/teaching assistant.....like I see here that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in conflict with school professor/teaching assistant from the perspective that I regard myself as superior intellect, yet I am trying to qualify my intellect to them, and I worry sometimes that the grading of my paper will reflect their reaction to my reading, as like I will get a really good grade if they agree with what I said and how I said it, and I will will get a less than stellar grade if my point if not agreed with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for separating myself from my professor and teaching assistant.  I realize and understand that writing university papers is like writing papers to myself in another life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself in polarity based comparison to my professor/teaching assistant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for playing the self righteous superiority/inferiority game.  I realise and understand what a mind fuck it is to accept and allow the polarity energy game of self righteous superiority/inferiority.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how I was indirectly doubting my own words as the resulting consequence of accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in relationship to my professor and Teaching Assistant. I realize and understand how I mind fucked myself within entertaining polarized judgement within myself.  I realize the ridiculousness of accepting and allowing myself to exist within doubt as a result of accepted and allowed self-judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing I need to regulate my doubts as like a form of control methodology within my mind based upon ascertaining a polarized degree of self-righteousness within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for doubting my professor/teaching assistant's ability to comprehend my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for assuming that my words will be received in conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for assuming and obsessing about worst possible scenario's with regards to the submission of my writing assignment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that I must dumb my writing down in order to not cause problems within my school assignments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that it is safer for me to dumb my writing down, as like to not cause any reactions within my university evaluators...and like just kind of produce a mediocre paper that doesn't really challenge the system structures and operating platforms.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that I should really minimize my thoughts and perspectives within writing university papers and just focus on utilizing the course material readings, and basically regurgitate the curriculum back to the evaluator as the way of illustrating my basic comprehension of course material.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing failure within utilizing my own observations and critical analysis/examination of scholars words who I happen to disagree with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for disregarding my authority within having the ability to effectively illustrate that I disagree with scholarly work....and being able to do so in a manner that is eloquently phrased and well regarded by the professor and or teaching assistant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to be too creative within my essay writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to be penalized and poorly graded for being creative in garnering fresh and unique insights/perspective/consideration that are not commonly expressed within course assignments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a copy cat within writing university essays within the perspective of fearing to be totally unique and creative within my responses....like fearing to be too different from my peers...and therefore, as a result of the fear, thinking and believing that I must tailor my responses to be in uniform alignment with what I believe to be the "correct generic response" that has already been considered and regarded as "the answer".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to be penalized and poorly graded/marked within creating new answers to questions I see as challenging and expanding upon the scholarly sources within the course curriculum.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for doubting my ability to articulate obvious common sense in such a way that it is so apparent and clear to whoever is reading or listening to my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for doubting my ability to be coherent within writing and verbal communication.

When and as I see myself writing my school papers and I react/judge/fear a thought about how my paper will be graded/received, I stop and breathe, I realize and understand my ability to communicate coherently and my strong ability to articulate obvious common sense. I realize and understand the absurd ridiculousness of mind fucking myself with self induced judgement within hypothetical what if scenarios from the perspective of reacting to the particular outcomes of hypothetical what if scenarios.

When and as I see myself doubting my words, I stop and breathe, I realize and understand the fear within doubt as a form of ridiculousness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing myself.  I direct myself to stand one and equal with the words I speak.  I realize and understand the ridiculousness of separating myself within my words.

When and as I see myself placing myself in conflict with professor/teaching assistant, I stop and breathe, I realise and understand the absurd ridiculousness of deliberately believing myself to be in conflict with professor/teacher.

When and as I see myself creating conflict within my mind about completing school assignment, I stop and breathe, I realize and understand the absurd ridiculousness of polarizing the relationship towards completing school assignments. I realize the ridiculousness of perpetuating conflict within myself.

I commit myself to completing my school assignment within and as a starting point of authority.

I commit myself to standing as authority.

I commit myself realizing and understanding the authority of Equality and Oneness.

I commit myself to self-direction as an authority of what's best for all Life.

I commit myself to removing all conflict from within myself.

Day 480 Exploiting and Manipulating the System

I've looked at law from the perspective of trying to figure out how I can exploit and manipulate the legal system. My justification has been that the legal system is totally fucked up, so if I can manipulate and exploit this totally fucked up legal system for my own personal benefit, I might as well do so.

I've come to realize a few things from having accepted and allowed such a starting point within myself:

1) I was disregarding my own inherent fuckedness within the legal system. I was not at all placing myself as one and equal with the legal system.  I was not seeing the legal system as myself and as a reflection of humanity as a whole.

2) I was placing myself as superior to the legal system, as like more clever, and therefor because of my superiority and cleverness, I deemed myself to be entitled to fucking with that which I deemed fucked because within my heir of self-righteous appointment, I'm looking to benefit and protect myself, as the expense of beating things...like in this particular scenario....my thinking was that I can beat the legal system of enslavement....note the punny pun here....."beating" the legal system....me kicking the legal systems ass....making the legal system my bitch....I mean what makes me so entitled to be a nasty fucker....when it is in fact this nastiness that I do not like in the first place.

3) I was perpetuating the existence of myself within the veils of self-righteousness that were in fact blinding me from seeing the actual laws of my being.  What is ironic about this is that the legal system reflected pure abuse to me, yet I didn't see the enslavement existing within myself. I didn't dare to consider the extent of self-reflection/self-investigation required to see how lame I was being within and as blame...as like all sorts of degrees of blame...like for example....seeing corporations and money to blame, and international bankers, and government, and everyone else who knew or didn't know about the extensive fuckedness of the legal system.

4)  I didn't realize and understand myself as a tyrant.

5) I was looking to leverage the current system...I figured if I could understand the complicated intricacies of the legal system than I could profit from knowing how to exploit and manipulate the current systems for my individual monetary benefit...and that I could show others how I had been prosperous in exploiting and manipulating the current systems....and then I could talk about creating a new system that would be to everybody's benefit.

6) I didn't consider the consequences of deliberately exploiting and manipulating the current systems for believed individual prosperity and liberty in the terms of gaining a monetary strong hold...as like insuring a wealth of entitlement within a world of debt and lack of entitlement.

7) I figured I must be able to manipulate the wealth and resources of the world in such a way where I become the great emancipator.

8) I didn't consider myself ever as one and equal with those who hold the majority of the wealth and resources in this world....from the perspective of treating others how I would like to be treated...I was quite within my own self-righteousness....believing that my way is the only way...that there are those who must pay at the cost of my expenses....and therefore be controlled and regulated by the debt I inflicted upon them.

9) I didn't realize and understand the oppression existent within the dominant oppressor.

10) I didn't see myself as 'Agent Smith' continuing to evolve and upgrade within and as the systems of exploitation and abuse.  I only regarded myself as "Neo" fighting against the systems.

11) I remember the point in the 3rd matrix movie where Neo takes on all the systems and brings them into himself...as like the standing of the embodiment of the systems....and destroys them within himself in order to make possible the beginning of a new world order. (would be cool point to watch the matrix movies again...especially the third one from the perspective of seeing how Neo say himself as one and equal with agent smith, yet agent smith couldn't see and realize himself one and equal with Neo, and Neo was able to direct the conflict with great ease, while agent smith increasingly became more agitated and enraged with anger...as like the frustration and irritation of not knowing thy self as the mirrored reflection. Anyways, such cool movies that show the point of self-direction within self-honesty and self-trust....and the conflict of self-dishonesty)


to be continued with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements