I can recall on more than one occasion, declaring that I was taking an early retirement. The idea of an early retirement is something I was looking into at the end of my teenage years and the beginning of my twenties. My attitude was that I am ready to commit to full time leisurely pursuits. The consideration was that perhaps I would not make it to old age or that I would be less mobile, less flexible, less capable or less able bodied. From my perspective, I was of the notion that I should give as much time to myself now as possible....even if I have to pay for it later....that giving myself tremendous amounts of time now, would pay dividends later...as like actually gifting myself with the privilege to slow down and seize the day. This was regarded as somewhat of a radical notion because all my peers were looking to position themselves into life long careers so that they had the potential to secure their retirements. I also figured that I could have a retirement now...and perhaps I could still have one later. I mean, initially I kind of regarded that my adulthood would be a lifelong retirement of sorts and that it would be focused on my individual self-interests in the now of consciousness...without real longtime planning from the perspective and principle of Be Here Now.
Well, it's been perhaps just over a decade since i first declared myself taking an early retirement.
There's been many times throughout this past decade where i forgot that I had many times declared and wished for myself an early retirement and within this not really considered the fabric of my wishes. My immediate regards were that of fulfilling my immediate and moment to moment desires. a lot of very treats from the day to day and month to month retirement living management.
What also appealed to me about this approach is not really having wanted to get serious about long term planning...committing to any long term plan.
I would say also within this was the concern that I would have to give up my childhood for adulthood. My thinking was that I will carry my childhood into adulthood and I will take the senior approach very childishly...from the perspective that I will skip the typical young adult middle age mentality and go right for retirement kind of living....from the perspective of my focus being on the shortsightedness of daily pleasures and leisurely pursuits. My thinking about recreation was that perhaps I will want to play more now then when I am older...maybe I wont want to play so much when I am really old...and then I would rather focus on work....because from my perspective old people don't seem all that playful...I mean sure there's a lot of them that are cheerful and good spirited but they also kind of sit around a lot...and isn't there a lot of young people in jobs where they sit around a lot....wouldn't it be better to take a sit around type of job when I am old...
I also have had the attitude that I have a Golden Ticket.
I remember this steady girlfriend I had for some years and she was finishing her schooling up and was prepared to get into career mode and begin a family.,..and at that time I was not at all interested in that approach for myself..I was in full out retirement mode...thinking that my living leisurely as my recreational pursuits were my investments for my future and that I have a Golden Ticket that I can cash in when I so desire....and the thing about my thinking was that my golden Ticket has so much potential like the realization within myself that I can in fact do what ever I want....like I am the will and the way and so realizing this is like a wow realization because it is a point of self-comfort within and as self-empowerment. At the same time...there can be almost an urgency within self that comes up as like wanting to make something happen because potential exists...and at the same time a hesitance of not wanting to rush things....kind of a indecision between getting going and postponing....
A realization that has become clear to me is that Yes, Indeed I do have a Golden Ticket and this Golden Ticket is in fact my Potential Here...and the thing is...I Require to Use My Golden Ticket...and I cannot just save it away and avoid it for a long time later.....that is foolish....My Golden Ticket has the Most Value Now...and The Value Of My Golden Ticket Gets More Valuable every day I Exercise it....like a card I got to pay/play with as the decisions I make.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how the wishes and declarations I make for myself shape my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to take on long term planning as point of self-directed commitment and responsibility I bring into fruition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that typically people fall apart when they get old.
To Be Continued
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