Sunday, 14 February 2016
Day 768 - Lame Communication
I am working on developing my effectiveness in communication. I see communication as Paramount. Communication is Life. Communication is integral in building the best quality Life Here. Communication is Everything.
I bring up these seemingly obvious points about Communication here because I am taking a moment here to give regard to my accepted and allowed communication:
Some cool self reflection opened op for me today in hosting, "Desteni Movie Night Hangout -Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke."
My guest cancelled last minute / confused the start time. This presented me with the opportunity to go it alone, and that I did. I wasn't expecting to talk for 52 minutes, doing a monologue, I was expecting to have a conversation with my guest, asking and directing the response of questions, while making some comments here and there.
About 10 minutes or so in...and i think also sooner than that, the point came into mind that i am sort of bombing this hangout...like a little bit stumbling and bumbly with my word flow sharing expression and knowing where i want to go and take things....and also kind of placing a little bit of pressure/judgement upon myself as like I am doing this live without any preparation and nobody is tuning in live....'what's the point....my performance is kind of lame...not nearly as tight and polished as I could be...my flow is less than what I would regard as stellar...the experience of myself within this is somewhat challenging...as like bailing out would stop the bleeding, as like i am experiencing the wounds of my accpeted and allowed discomforts within expressing/communicating myself here unconditional on the spot without a preprogrammed rehearsal so that i can give a sort of automative predicatable performance that i know already.
So in looking at these points and having a real Care to push myself to continue on with the show, I showcased myself some weakeness in my communication. This was really cool for myself as it was like a wow moment and an aha, as towards the end of the hanging there was a bit of a shit that happened within me as like finally coming into my confidence and and my flow/trust/expression was coming through a bit more. I do see that this showing here on a whole was a bit of a flop from my perspective of being a solo performer doing a big set. I mean how often is it that we put ourselves out there and monologue for 52 minutes? I found this to be a real tipping point for myself in my process here, as someone who is committed to the development and mastery of the law of my being here, as the practical living sound embodiment of words. A word smith if you will...
I see the tremendous value in committing myself to vlogging as a process point of support for myself and others here. I see that not doing this is a real know within the process of self-purification here. I speak from experience as I created a sorted of justified censorship on speaking/sharing my voice publically out of concern for public judgment/ridicule/consequence. Ultimately my reasoning was very much logical within my mind as the programming of my conditioned thinking...and this state of mind, kept me from noticing deficiencies within my word expressions here, and really has been a tragic comedy of sorts because my effectiveness in communication is less than my best potential at the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the profound support within vlogging.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dismissing the value within vlogging as a result of my accepted and allowed ego defense systems.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying a sort of self sacrifice of my potential out of fear for survival here, as like ways to prevent possible conflicting engagements that may require my response capable communication.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to see the points within myself that are lame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to hide from what I have accepted and allowed that is lame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing my self-regard to such an extent that I would justify remaining lame within points that could be development into a practical living potential.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for censoring myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I have resisted to engage myself on points of self-suppression.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not wanting to appear less than well developed within a point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting the learning/birthing process here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding that paying attention here is the epitome of patience, and that to really pay attention is to in fact practically live the word care....and within the word care is where the fun is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mindfuck myself within and as how i think my communication should go.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to trust myself unconditionally here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying self-censorship as a means of avoiding and adverting conflict.
I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how i have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the existence of conflict within myself by 'trying' to avoid conflict in communication with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding my flexibility as self-responsibility here to actually and practically create solutions that are awesome in all ways here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to live the patience required to actually Care to be here in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for pushing through my life without taking the time to care about what it is i am accepting and allowing within my thoughts/words/deeds.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying the reliance of others to stimulate my movement and communication here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which I have allowed myself to be dependent on existing in reaction here....as like mostly being moved as a result of the positive or negative i experience within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to really challenge my acceptances and allowances. I realizing that engaging myself is a real practical way to live patience and self-intimacy here. I realize that this is actually a lot of fun!
I commit myself to the process of developing myself in communication as thought, word and deed.
I commit myself to working and playing with my words.
I commit myself to trusting myself in thought/word/deed/
I commit myself to investigating my thoughts/words/deeds/
I realize the process of self-investigation as thoughts/words/deeds is a very fruitful opportunity, and I am grateful to give myself this opportunity that has so much potential. I realize the potential is a result of my dedicated labor here. I realize and understand the balance between work and play as like how the to can exist together complimentary and also as opposites in focused specificty...and i see how the words are in me always and that my fine tuning of moment to moment management is where my expression is as i get to direct the specifics of myself here.
I commit myself to vlogging.
I commit myself to sharing the self-realization that vlogging is a tremendous tool of profound support that is like one of the best gifts one can give to oneself here.
I commit myself to engaging myself to face the difficult points within myself and to from here, forgive myself and to create solutions for myself as new pathways of self-development in my personal process walking here.
I commit myself to using my voice as a point of self-reflection here. I commit myself to self-investigation.
I commit myself to sharing Life regard.
I commit myself to engaging myself within and as Communication.
When and as I see myself resisting to do a vlog, I stop and breathe, I allow myself to make one. I realize that making vlogging a regular part of my process here is awesome in all ways always.
I commit myself to the process of developing my self-expressions within vlogging.
I commit myself to stop fearing what other people think of me.
I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to suppress my voice here.
I commit myself to developing and enhancing my voice here as a result of working and playing with my voice here.
I commit myself to practically living my voice here.
I realize and understand my voice to be a fantastic tool here to express myself within/as/without.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging/fearing lame communication.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing vulnerability in developing weaknesses into strengths.
I commit myself to stop resisting to face points that are difficult/awkward. I commit myself to seek out points of resistance, that are lame and awkward within myself to in fact take these points on as seeds I will nurture into a practical living potential here.
I commit myself to word and world regard here as what is best for all Life.
'Lao Tzu, the ancient father of Taoism, put it: “Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don't have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don't want to.’” Make the time to communicate'