Since writing my first blog about resistance in my 7yr journey to life blog series, I've been tested with the point of resistance several times. Ive noticed an intersting point about resistance...that it's like I have a physical reaction to the point of resistance and I experience emotional stress. And this is where temptation has come into play as the so-called 'free-will choice to choose what I feel like'. This temptation as 'free-will choice to choose what I feel like' is pure bullshit. Rubish. Lol. Ok, reason being is that this 'choosing according to feeling' is like being a serious addict, always moving to satisfy that feeling. Giving in to resistance is like giving in to a feeling...like needing a pull off a drug or heavy scratching of an itch. So ya, I realised much about resistance in writing my blog the other day...and just before I decided to write my blog this morning, I saw the point that I was allowing little bits of emotional reactions to points that would come up as tempataion....and I guess..well fuck,..it's like the resistance Ive experienced is linked to feelings/emotions as a result of feeding the feelings/emotions with back chat. So, I was just kinda coping with this for a lil while...as I was just watching myself as what I was allowing within my mind and seeing how I would have little reactions some times and it would be at these moments of reactions...that I would be charged up a lil bit and unstable kinda in that I was really considering points of temptation. These points of temptation that have occured recently have been connected to food as recently I cut out dairy and wheat and most sugars (im still eating fruits) about 2 weeks ago. Ive noticed that when I get emotionally stressed I'm looking for substances to give me a release...this has been by wanting to eat sugary stuff, mcdonalds fast food(for a quick fix...just like the sugar) and also tobacco. I had quit smokking tobacco for about 2 months and a few days into the food diet changes I had an emotional reaction to my girlfriend and I went out and bought a pack of smokes...and justified it as saying this will be a good test and I know i'm fucking up here, lets learn from my fuckedness. So, cigarettes assisted with compounding emotions/stress and I noticed myself being less stable than I had been previously and that I justified that I was treating myself to some tobacco as way to support my new dietary changes and investigations. What's interesting is that a few times within the last 2 weeks I went and got mcdonalds breakfast which the biscuits have dairy..mabe wheat too...and there was some processed cheese on my biscuit sandwhiches...also I ate these chocolate covered peanut butter pretzles. Anyway it's like every time I indulged in these substances it's like I was doing it to scratch an itch..like to relieve myself of the resistance I was experiencing...to feed my mind a high...getting myself temporary satisfaction...and it's kinda fucked because...with some brutal self honesty it's easy to see that I never really remained satisfied with myself...and yesterday and the day before an itch came back that had been gone for almost 3 weeks. And I know the itchy skin came back as a point of anger within myself for fucking with myself....and I woke up scratching the itch yesterday and I immediately jumped out of bed and threw the rest of my pack of cigarettes out. And prior to going to bed last night I had been kinda stressed about an exam I had written earlier that evening and I offered to take my girlfriend out for some late night eats and I had justified in my mind, fuck it..i'm giving myself some real comfort food...im going to eat everything that I've cut out...was thinking about getting oreo milkshake chicken wings with sweet honey garlic sugary sauce, club sandwhich(for the wheat)...and it's interesting because when I got to the restaurant I was looking at the menu...and my back chat was like 'I already know what i want i dont even need to let at the menu" and it's like I just kinda watched my back chat but kept moving myself ..in that i kept looking at the menu for options that would support my food diet investigations. Waitress was taking our orders and i was still kinda indecisive...am i going to give into temptation or am i going to say fuck temptation and push through the resistance,..told waitress about my situation and what I had been looking for in the menu...wasnt alot of options for no dairy, no wheat. We found a few good choices for me though...and waitress was real cool support as she doesnt eat gluten or dairy or extra sugars.
Anyways, the point of my writing here is that aha, I'm not a slave to feelings/emotions...I see how I have in the past limited myself to feelings/emotions...yet in my most recent past I have showed myself that I can breathe through the resistance...and that I know I am allowing myself to get real strong.
So, some forgiveness on substance abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using substances to give me a high.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising myself as physical substance and that desiring a part of myself exposes accepted and allowed manifested separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring substances to give me a release from emotional stress.
I forgive myself for not realising that desiring substances to feed a feeling is just compounding the feeding of the feeling.
I forgive myself for not realising how exstensively I have abused substances since my very early childhood.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for consuming substances for the purpose of taste/buzz/feels good.
I forgive myself for not realising how Ive abused food as a way to cope with emotional stress.
I forgive myself for not realising that wanting to eat someting based on feelings is feeding into getting high as a way of coping with emotional stress.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for coping with suppressions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using food like I used illegal drugs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having feared facing my substance abuse in all ways.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing substance abuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for abusing tobacco.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for using tobacco to cope with emotional stress, anger and anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying using tobacco to cope with physical suppressions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for abusing myself as physical substance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for disregarding myself as physical substance here.
I forgive myself for justifying substance abuse by denying my substance abuse by saying everything is substance...thus how can I not be of substance/abuse.
I forgive myself for not realising how I had been abusing my body as my physical substance by electrifying myself with strong emotions/feelings
I forgive myself for not realising that I do not need to consume myself to alleviate/satisfy emotions/feelings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for limmiting my directive power to feelings/emotions.
I realise myself as physical substance.
I realise that who I am is beyond feelings and emotions.
I realise that feelings/emotions mask who I am.
I realise in process I will face all my masks as I will not allow myself to hide behind feelings and emotions.
I realise my strength accumulates day by day as I piece myself back together with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.
I realise that desiring a substance to feed a feeling only compounds the desire to feed the feeling
I realise I've abused substances since early-childhood.
I realise Ive abused food as a way to cope with emotional stress.
I realise the power of self-forgiveness is the power I give myself.
I realise that I do not need to consume myself with feelings/emotions
I realise that feelings/emotions is an act of canabalism.
I realise feelings/emotions are not what's best for Life.
I realise that feelings/emotions are not Life.
I realise my directive power is not feelings/emotions.
I am grateful for pushing myself to face substance abuse in writing.
When and as I see myself desiring/wanting a specific substance, I stop, I breathe and I realise that I push through resistance as I like getting stronger everyday and I realise that pushing through resistance is an act of self-love as nourishment for the law of my being as Oneness And Equality
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