Day 778 - Cheating myself out of Life

For a long while I've been pretty loose with the rules while playing golf, where I would improve my lie (how the ball is laying on the ground...making it more forgiving),  take generous drops,  give myself putts, take mulligans, and be forgiving with out of bounds and penalty stroke rules.

I bring attention to this here....because I reflect back to playing when I was fairly young, and me and my friend were fairly competitive about posting the lowest scores we could. And what happened slowly but surely is I became forgiving on points/rules of enforcement...I mean it would be a gimme on a putt here...or a mulligan on the first hole....or like saying one mulligan per round....or saying we can fluff our ball's lies.

I've started playing golf again with a competitive spirit about scoring as best as i am possibly able to.  I am also very serious in developing my performance to an elite level.  My ability at the moment is above average.  I've come to recognize that I've tainted my best golf development over the years by being so slack with the rules.  I see this as consequential because it's like I resisted making mistakes...and when i would make mistakes i would cover them up, forgive them without really completely taking responsibility for it and learning from it, understanding the specific mechanics of my error.

In fact, i see how I have accepted and allowed myself to create emotions and feelings about my swings and scores in golf....where it's like a point of perfection or imperfection on each shot and result....so like, multiple judgement system relationships here.

I am also noticing how I don't want to continue within this type of relationship patterned behavior with regards to my relationship with golf.  I am seeing a lot of layers here that need to be fine tuned.

I am also questioning how my relationship within golf relates and reflects to other areas within my life.  To take this question to the core of myself within the perspective and consideration of personality character design and construction; What stand out to me is:  Superiority and Inferiority and the relationship with perfection and and Imperfection where these words are forms of polarized judgements.  I notice  how I write the construct down here as, "superiority and inferiority"...that i want to put superiority first as like a desire to associate myself more with superiority and how i wish to come across and be more closely associated as superior.  In writing here i can see how superiority and inferiority are words that exist within me that are closely related in a polarized way to perfection and imperfection.

I see this as a topic for me to explore more into specifics.

At this point i would like to open up self-forgiveness on points that stick out for me here:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cheat myself at golf and at life.  I realize it is my relationship within and as how I play in regards to my thoughts, feelings and emotions that can be improved upon, as I realize and understand the way in which i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within golf has sort of perpetuated and compounded myself existing within and as a sort of ego conflict within myself where i am polarized into reacting consistently at the results/actions of myself where there is a an ongoing scoring evaluation of myself within judgement in the form of emotion and feeling, so much so related to my definitions of perfection and imperfection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing my feelings and emotions within seeing the shame about how i have defined my feelings and emotions in relationship to perfection and imperfection.  I realize that taking a neutral approach is totally tied to keeping the inferiority and superiority character construction in tact within myself as like playing it neutral is almost like playing it cool when all is not cool within oneself....or like playing it extra chill when one is totally not experiencing them-self as super chill but wants to put on the front of being super chill.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stress myself out within taking the time to actually look at how I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat the best development of my potential within golf/life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being embarrassed and shameful to talk and share about the fact that i have existed within inferiority and superiority within myself.  I realize the inequality within accepting this type of attitude and perception about myself in regards to others here.  I realize taking on this attitude and thinking is a mistake, is consequential of existing within and as a state of mind consciousness with a polarized energetically charged vocabulary.  I commit myself to stopping this patterned behavior and walking the fine tuning of myself here as my words, where i remove the charges against myself...I re-establish the terms/definitions of my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking it normal to fuck with oneself in reacting and creating forms of stress on the body within and as one's relationship to words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cheat myself within my mind of thinking thoughts where i buy into the highs and lows of my feelings and emotions and allow myself to become distracted by them and influence my movement and ability to create and live my utmost potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slack off on myself discipline with regards to my competitive spirit in regards to athletics and sports.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inferiorize myself within competitions and at the same time desire superiority.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how I have created inferiority within and as my best ability as a result of being dishonest with myself and tainting my vocabulary within and as results of perfection and imperfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how so much so my life and abilities within my life are correlated with how I live words within my physical body here....that my words are my living actions and there is many ways in which i can express myself through my words.  I realize my actions are a reflection of my words.  I realize my participation within all things is a reflection of my self-development and word/world agreements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to frustrate myself within looking at what I have accepted and allowed throughout my life that is less that my best potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed within looking at the definitions terms/words of agreements I agreed to participate within.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist taking self-responsibility for my consent within all my relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear vulnerability in exposing/sharing my mistakes.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding the irony within fearing the vulnerability to share/expose my mistakes.  I see, realize and know the irony here as being  tragically comical because within sharing one's mistakes, one is able to assist and support others to learn lessons without having to necessarily remain within the same suppression that I was existing within.  I realize that sharing one's mistakes and the lessons learned, is in fact an act of compassion in care/regard to support another as oneself here. I see this as the practical living embodiment of self-respect, self-regard, self-nourishment, and self-development.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sharing myself as a result of being competitive within myself from a polarized relationship of inferiority and superiority. I realize the ridiculousness of defining myself into opposition within myself through and as the confusion of my word relationships and agreements.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the tragic comedy of energetically inferior and superior word and world relationships....where more value is given to that which is regarded as more, and less value to that which is disregarded as less....from the perspective of everything Being Life equality and oneness here...and a dissonance existing as the very design of polarized energetic resonance through and as the accepted and allowed  inferiority and superiority within and as one's word and world relationships within oneself as all Life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define  myself in ways that are less than great.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to take self-responsibility for my less than great self-definitions here.

I realize and understand my self-responsibility for myself-definitions here...and that my relationships within and as words is key to myself living for real in physical reality here.

I commit myself to self-improvement through and as self-responsibility in and as my practical every day living and usage of words.

I commit myself to share my process of self-realization and understanding.

I commit myself to humbleness within vulnerability as i see myself within and as the mistakes I make.  I commit myself to being efficient and effective at learning from my mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pad my stats within and as my results within activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck with my legitimacy, integrity and resolve.

I commit myself to practically living the words Legitimacy, Integrity, and Resolve as points of self-commitment in walking through my mistakes as learning lessons...and to learn as effectively and efficiently as possible within walking through learning lessons.  I commit myself to being open and vulnerable within and as I walk my process journey to Life.

I commit myself to accountability and integrity within and as my thoughts/words/deeds. 

I commit myself to practically living the word Ownership in regard to self-accountability and self-responsibility as points of practically living the best care taking.

Day 718 - Removing the Ego from Greatness, the Grounding Process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the point of big ego as a result of having good results within particular points of sharing/performance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thirsting for the recognition as the praise within a job well done as like mastery in execution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mentally masturbate accepted and allowed suppression into a transmuted experience of Superiority that feels so good from the perspective of getting myself high within and as my very own self-induced trite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the psychic vampirism within and as the accepted and allowed big ego reaction as getting high as a result of the actions/responses others share.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking the ultimate life and living is within and as the established status position within the world system as recognized fame and fortunate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the absurd ridiculousness of ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for denying the inferiority which fuels the attitude of ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying the self-righteousness within ego as like believing that I am entitled to a positive high energetic buzz.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the pain and trauma as the self-inflicted self-abuse that exists within and as the reactionary play out of ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for bouncing around in reactionary polarity play as character personifications as either big or small ego...based upon the judgement of sizing myself up in relationship to others here as my ego competition for ultimate supremacy here as like the KingOfTheCastle, the One Winner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted to examine the reactionary positive energy high or big/super ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing the solidarity here as the relationship with all my peers here as the various reflections of myself as One and Equal as Everything here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a dissonance within myself as an ego personality that is incomplete that cannot relate to all Life here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for denying the abuse of greed as ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being self-righteous in fighting for my very own limitation as the result of being defensive in relationship to other ego's here/

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for participating in sports and activities from the starting point of ego as like the encouragement of dissonance within myself for the potential moment of bliss that may result from existing as the great one winner for a brief moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard all Life here within and as a result of being preoccupied with my own ego status in relationship to others ego status.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thrive of the misfortune of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being blinded within positive energy participation as a like a form of mental masturbation into a daze,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stumble and fumble around within a haze of positive energy feelings of disregard for the actually status and state of World affairs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dismissing accounting responsibility for myself as an able bodied being that is here that can support the stopping of bullshit here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the propagated ego hero character that exists within our world that is like the status acceptance and allowance agreement that abusing life for an experience is is what this world is all about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for just wanting to be a part of the big ego story here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring and regarding to be well accepted and regarded by others as a result of doubting myself and believing that I can only trust myself if I have the trust of many others believing in me.  I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how fake this believed trust to be, when one rationalizes one's very own state of mind from a starting point of dissonance in relationship to Everything here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowiing myself to encourage the continuation of cognitive dissonance in our shared world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for limiting my potential expressions here within the justification that it feels good to win at the expense of another feeling bad in loosing and that is just the way things are...so the decision is either abuse or be abused. I realize the absurd ridiculousness of the mentality of apathy, lack of self-trust, lack of self-confidence, and the lack of empathy and remorse.

When and as I see myself going into a energetic high experience in and as reaction to receiving positive feedback, I stop and breathe, I see the specifics of the point that exists as a dissonance within myself...I forgive myself for accepting and allowing such a dissonance to exist inside myself as the acceptance of myself as less than life here. I realign myself as self-regard as I care to make sure I effectively remove the contamination in my vocabulary and within this I reestablish the terms of agreement here as what is best for all life from the starting point of myself existence here as Oneness and Equality.  I realize and understand I am in the midst of the birthing process of myself actualization here as All as One as Equal. I commit myself to the humbling gratitude in seeing/realizing and physically learning to stand and walk and move in always that are best for all of Life here.

I commit myself to stopping apathy.

I commit myself to living self-trust.

I commit myself to living self-confidence.

I commit myself to empathy.

I commit myself to compassion and remorse.

I realize the practical application of not allowing myself to be consumed within any point, because that is not practical in supporting my ability to live responsibility here.

I commit myself to exposing the ridiculousness of the ego games here.

I commit myself to educate on the character dynamics of ego.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating our culture of psychic vampirism.

I commit myself to removing the ego from Greatness and grounding myself within the earth here as commitment to Life.

Day 695 - Torture

Let's look at the word "torture" for a moment:

The action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain.

Great physical or mental suffering or anxiety.

A cause of suffering or anxiety

Inflict severe pain on.

Cause great mental suffering or anxiety to.


Synonyms of torture include:

abuse, ill-treatment, maltreatment, persecution, sadism, torment, agony, suffering, pain, anguish, misery, distress, heartache, affliction, scourge, trauma, wretchedness, hell, purgatory, harrow, agonize, crucify


The reason I bring up the commonly accepted dictionary definitions of torture is because I noticed within myself that I had kind of disregarded the severity of a lot of the synonymous associations to torture here, as well as the points of mental suffering and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for neglecting to take self-responsibility for torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for distancing myself from torture by taking on the belief that torture is only something that really happens in a far away secretive place where government or military agents are torturing a terrorist as a means of getting them to confess certain information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that torture is something that only happens to very few unfortunate people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking nothing the phrases...."stop torturing your mother"....or "stop torturing your brother"....or "stop torturing him/her"...or "Why do you have to torture him/her, you know it provokes them?"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for taking amusement from torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for deliberately provoking others into uncomfortable situations because I believe it is good for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that torture is good for some people...like they really need to learn things that most unfortunate way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that torture from the perspective of deliberately triggering strong emotions and discomforts within others isn't really torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dismiss actions that deliberately provoke and stir up emotion within others without providing any frame work of support in order to remove/remediate/correct emotional disposition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I have tortured myself within incessant thought/feeling/emotion participation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understand judgement to be a form of torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to torture myself within self-judgement and self-comparisons.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for torturing myself within and as my accepted and allowed backchat about anything and everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a relationship with torture to exist within myself where I accept and allow torture to as a justifiable action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for compromising my relationship with myself and others as a result of accepting and allowing the validation of torture to exist within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for neglecting and disregarding myself and all all Life here within and as the justification for the existence of torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for disregarding the extent to which our world system perpetuates torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for nor realizing and understanding the inherent nature of my mind in thriving off of the acceptance and allowance of torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how polarized energetic word relationships contribute and perpetuate the existence of self-torture within one's mind/body relationship....as an unfortunate out flowing consequence of the accepted and allowed input.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for manipulating myself and others with torture tactics from the perspective of deliberately invoking anxiety and angst within another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being inconsiderate to others who are being tortured by themselves and their relationships with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for neglecting compassion for humanity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which humanity tortures itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the mistreatment of humanity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying the mistreatment and torture of humanity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore and excuse the torture of animals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying the torture of animals as being necessary for the benefit of humanity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for rationalizing the existence of torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for torturing others within and as my deliberately intense interrogation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to torture myself within and as the acceptance and allowance of subtle thoughts that seem so right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to torture myself within harboring opinions about others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing it to be necessary and normal to participate in assumptions, judgments, opinions about others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for torturing myself within reacting to information....and believing it necessary for me to react.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which torture exists here in our shared reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not even regarding the design or torture here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for ignoring the torture that exists here.

I forgive myself for justifying the denial of the existence of torture here because it is something that is very negative and I believe it is better to focus on the positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for perpetuating the existence of a negative world as a result of believing it is better to focus on the positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dismissing accountability and responsibility for actively disengaging torturous acceptances and allowances here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being conditioned to torture as being a normal part of life on our planet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted to really reflect upon the point of torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dismissing my mind/body relationship within and as the word torture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding abuse within language as a point of seemingly invisible violence. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing  myself for not realizing and understanding a toxic tortuously toxic vocabulary

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go along with the torture that exists in our shared reality, by not speaking up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how cruel and inhumane the design of our shared world system in fact is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being fearful of torture to such an extent that I would submit and suppress the expression of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding torture to exist as like a fear derivative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I have been manipulated by torturous tactics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others with torturous tactics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the relationship with torture and schadenfreude.


When and as I see myself about to engage myself in torturous activity, I stop and breathe, I see/realize and understand the unacceptable abuse and disregard that torture is in fact. I realize that torture is reacted out in many different ways. I commit myself to let go of reactions by grounding them into the earth with the awareness of my breath here as the recognition and acknowledgement of knowing what is and isn't best for Life.

I commit myself to sharing insight and perspective about the extent to which we humans have collectively accepted and allowed a World of torture to exist here as our shared reality and planet.

I commit myself to assisting and supporting the transformation of a prison planet world system to that of and as Heaven on Earth as the presentation of what is best for all Life.

I commit myself to sharing my vision of playground planet earth.

I commit myself to stop the existence of Torture.

I commit myself to providing realizations about the ridiculousness of torture.



In looking at the word torture....

it's like "to right you are.....too right you are....the self-righteous staunch of justification/spite/retribution/revenge/belief/security/control/programming/conditioning... torture...torch her...an ultimate burn....it's like an act of killing...if you consider the trauma that can be associated with torture...it's like killing someone's beingness whether they actually totally physically die or not, because if a being is so traumatized....it's like you/they are already dead inside....like a serious stuckness....where it's like this constant shaking of instability and insecurity....where it's like being so broken and compartmentalized into these tiny pieces....yet in actuality you are the sum of all the pieces...


I commit myself to stop perpetuating an existence of Torture.

I commit myself to the prevention of Torture.