Day 769 - Exploring the Word "Lame"

 


I have a little bit of a negative tinge towards the word "Lame" as like arghh, ahhh,, fuck, god damn, not cool, cannot look, must look away, beyond embarrassing, uncomfortable....and, unfathomable to continuously think about.

So, that is what comes to mind in relationship to the word Lame.

I was investigating the word Lame recently and had made a general concerted effort to remove the negative energetic charges I had been holding onto in regards to Lame.  I missed these points....ironically enough, it's like i got caught in my own lameness and didnt want to look at my Lame acceptances and allowances. LOL. ridiculous indeed.  I appreciate a good laugh at myself, so I see the points here and I direct.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a negative tinge like reaction to the word lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for superimposing words upon myself with energetic charges.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the tragic and ironic comedy within my relationship towards the word Lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within a negative tinge like reaction, regard Lame as: arghh, ahhh, fuck, god damn, not cool, cannot look, must look away, beyond embarrassing, uncomfortable, and unfathomable to continuously look/think about.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how points can be missed as a sort of self-sabotage within deliberately being vague/overly-general about the investigation into a word relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how Irony can be a rather specific tool for investigating words, where you can use the word Irony as a sort of cross reference where you have a look to see if you are being ironically stuck within the very word you are making a concerted effort to investigate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how cool a tool Irony is within investigating words as like a fun and funny play to aid in and as the word investigation/exploration.


To Be Continued

Day 768 - Lame Communication

 


I am working on developing my effectiveness in communication.  I see communication as Paramount.  Communication is Life. Communication is integral in building the best quality Life Here. Communication is Everything.


I bring up these seemingly obvious points about Communication here because I am taking a moment here to give regard to my accepted and allowed communication:

Some cool self reflection opened op for me today in hosting, "Desteni Movie Night Hangout -Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke."
 My guest cancelled last minute / confused the start time.  This presented me with the opportunity to go it alone, and that I did.  I wasn't expecting to talk for 52 minutes, doing a monologue, I was expecting to have a conversation with my guest, asking and directing the response of questions, while making some comments here and there.

About 10 minutes or so in...and i think also sooner than that, the point came into mind that i am sort of bombing this hangout...like a little bit stumbling and bumbly with my word flow sharing expression and knowing where i want to go and take things....and also kind of placing a little bit of pressure/judgement upon myself as like I am doing this live without any preparation and nobody is tuning in live....'what's the point....my performance is kind of lame...not nearly as tight and polished as I could be...my flow is less than what I would regard as stellar...the experience of myself within this is somewhat challenging...as like bailing out would stop the bleeding, as like i am experiencing the wounds of my accpeted and allowed discomforts within expressing/communicating myself here unconditional on the spot without a preprogrammed rehearsal so that i can give a sort of automative predicatable performance that i know already.

So in looking at these points and having a real Care to push myself to continue on with the show, I showcased myself some weakeness in my communication.  This was really cool for myself as it was like a wow moment and an aha, as towards the end of the hanging there was a bit of a shit that happened within me as like finally coming into my confidence and and my flow/trust/expression was coming through a bit more.  I do see that this showing here on a whole was a bit of a flop from my perspective of being a solo performer doing a big set.  I mean how often is it that we put ourselves out there and monologue for 52 minutes? I found this to be a real tipping point for myself in my process here, as someone who is committed to the development and mastery of the law of my being here, as the practical living sound embodiment of words.  A word smith if you will...

I see the tremendous value in committing myself to vlogging as a process point of support for myself and others here.  I see that not doing this is a real know within the process of self-purification here.  I speak from experience as I created a sorted of justified censorship on speaking/sharing my voice publically out of concern for public judgment/ridicule/consequence.  Ultimately my reasoning was very much logical within my mind as the programming of my conditioned thinking...and this state of mind, kept me from noticing deficiencies within my word expressions here, and really has been a tragic comedy of sorts because my effectiveness in communication is less than my best potential at the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the profound support within vlogging.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for dismissing the value within vlogging as a result of my accepted and allowed ego defense systems.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying a sort of self sacrifice of my potential out of fear for survival here, as like ways to prevent possible conflicting engagements that may require my response capable communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing to see the points within myself that are lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to hide from what I have accepted and allowed that is lame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing my self-regard to such an extent that I would justify remaining lame within points that could be development into a practical living potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for censoring myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I have resisted to engage myself on points of self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not wanting to appear less than well developed within a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting the learning/birthing process here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding that paying attention here is the epitome of patience, and that to really pay attention is to in fact practically live the word care....and within the word care is where the fun is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mindfuck myself within and as how i think my communication should go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to trust myself unconditionally here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying self-censorship as a means of avoiding and adverting conflict.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how i have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the existence of conflict within myself by 'trying' to avoid conflict in communication with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding my flexibility as self-responsibility here to actually and practically create solutions that are awesome in all ways here. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to live the patience required to actually Care to be here in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for pushing through my life without taking the time to care about what it is i am accepting and allowing within my thoughts/words/deeds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying the reliance of others to stimulate my movement and communication here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which I have allowed myself to be dependent on existing in reaction here....as like mostly being moved as a result of the positive or negative i experience within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to really challenge my acceptances and allowances.  I realizing that engaging myself is a real practical way to live patience and self-intimacy here.  I realize that this is actually a lot of fun!

I commit myself to the process of developing myself in communication as thought, word and deed.

I commit myself to working and playing with my words.

I commit myself to trusting myself in thought/word/deed/

I commit myself to investigating my thoughts/words/deeds/

I realize the process of self-investigation as thoughts/words/deeds is a very fruitful opportunity, and I am grateful to give myself this opportunity that has so much potential.  I realize the potential is a result of my dedicated labor here.  I realize and understand the balance between work and play as like how the to can exist together complimentary and also as opposites in focused specificty...and i see how the words are in me always and that my fine tuning of moment to moment management is where my expression is as i get to direct the specifics of myself here.

I commit myself to vlogging.

I commit myself to sharing the self-realization that vlogging is a tremendous tool of profound support that is like one of the best gifts one can give to oneself here.

I commit myself to engaging myself to face the difficult points within myself and to from here, forgive myself and to create solutions for myself as new pathways of self-development in my personal process walking here.

I commit myself to using my voice as a point of self-reflection here.  I commit myself to self-investigation.

I commit myself to sharing Life regard.

I commit myself to engaging myself within and as Communication.

When and as I see myself resisting to do a vlog, I stop and breathe, I allow myself to make one.  I realize that making vlogging a regular part of my process here is awesome in all ways always.

I commit myself to the process of developing my self-expressions within vlogging.

I commit myself to stop fearing what other people think of me.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to suppress my voice here.

I commit myself to developing and enhancing my voice here as a result of working and playing with my voice here.

I commit myself to practically living my voice here.

I realize and understand my voice to be a fantastic tool here to express myself within/as/without.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging/fearing lame communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fearing vulnerability in developing weaknesses into strengths.


I commit myself to stop resisting to face points that are difficult/awkward.  I commit myself to seek out points of resistance, that are lame and awkward within myself to in fact take these points on as seeds I will nurture into a practical living potential here.

I commit myself to word and world regard here as what is best for all Life.



'Lao Tzu, the ancient father of Taoism, put it: “Time is a created thing. To say ‘I don't have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don't want to.’”  Make the time to communicate'

Day 767 - Maleficient

 


Ma-Lef-i-Cent....Mal-ef-i-cent..Maleficent...


I first recall seeing this word when the movie came out with the title "Maleficent".  I was kind of intrigued by this word because I was not familiar with it...at the time, I did a quick look of the word and found it to be synonymous with evil and wicked.  I stopped consciously investigating the word at that point...However, when I would see this word in the poster for the movie, there was a sort of curiosity about it.  Words we do not really know are so much so a mystery.  I did not know if i knew how to in fact pronounce 'maleficent' correctly.  I was kind of reading it like 'male-ficent'..or 'male-ficient'...this didn't quite sound right to me...but I believed myself to not care anymore about it, and it would be just a word I would kind of disregard, and not really know all that well, while kind of justifying that I know enough about it because I connected it to 'evil and wicked'.

Maleficent

"causing or capable of producing evil or mischief; harmful or baleful. malefic, adjective. maleficence, noun. C17: from Latin maleficent-, from maleficus wicked, prone to evil, from malum evil."


Maleficent came up in discussion earlier today while sorting out perceptions of ego that I have been sorting out.  In my mind, so much so, I have regarded myself as, 'Magnificent'. Which, ironically is so much so Maleficent, from the perspective of playing the polarity flip flop in perceptions and deliberately choosing to pick the 'positive' associations to hold in mind as Being 'It' as the form and information that creates my character personality.

Ironically, what is missed within seeking out and defining oneself within the positive light, even with the best of intentions...is the split decision that results as outflow consequence of the accepted and allowed word relationships.  Let me further explain this:  See, if you deliberate take a word and you superimpose it onto yourself for all time, as like this is my form here, this is who I am...You are influencing your form here with the information you are using....which is an act of self-manipulation in so many ways as a result of not really understanding oneself here and how to in fact be capable of expressing words without limitation from moment to moment.  See, so longs as there are these formed impressions/definitions about oneself here as the character you are here...as the who you are completely defined....you are predictably trapped withing your own self-created mind construct.  A self-imprisonment if you will.

Why is this seemingly bad when it sounds like such a good idea to be specific with the words to define yourself as? Well, it's bad from the perspective, that it re-enforces the programming of  oneself being an automatic robot...predictable programming...and then just kind of playing out the various consequences of such a construction, because over time, the programming becomes more and more rooted in as what was accepted and allowed....it's so much more substantiated and self validated as what it means to be here.....All the While, Ironically, the ability to actually Express oneself in any given moment as any particular Word, Showcasing a complete range of flexibility in one's creative capacity to Act and Express what it means to live Responsibility.

See, if i look back into my earlier days, I figured I might as well self-define myself as the Best in the World.  My initial starting point perspective was definitely rooted in survival here, thinking that my greatness is in what I believe, as the rhyming of "what Believe, I can Achieve".  Interestingly enough, I didn't really question why I would really need to create this sort of ongoing Belief within myself...to me, it just seemed like a sort of trick to give myself a competitive edge here, from the perspective that it's up to me to create the best for myself.  Ironically, at that time I did not understand myself in relationship to others here, as like being various points of mirror reflection here...so, so much so I was well on my way in created dissonance within my perception of my shared reality here.  Ironically, with good intentions. 

To give some overall clarity in word relationships:

I've come to realize my capacity to express myself is within and as moments here.  So much so, the moment is a result of and as myself here as a complimentary player and action directing my response ability. 

The interesting thing here, and it is still a continuous process I am opening up, Is in taking the Care to see where I went into an Automatic Reaction in relationship to the relationships in my environment.  What is fascinating about this, is that by investigating the automated behavior which is reaction based, is just a going through the motions without really being an active living participant here...not too mention the play out, isn't really a self-directive play at all....though, ironically, within one's own mind, the reactions as one's actions, make total sense....complete total sense, because that is the very logic/programming that was authorized, whether consciously or unconsciously...the behavior characterization was consented and scripted into one's very own self-personified his/her story.

Words are creative tools for ourselves to express ourselves here.  Our ability to express ourselves effectively here is within our knowing how creative tools work in shaping our form as information from moment to moment.  The irony of course is that holding onto some words all the time, with particular charges about the word...as like it being energetically negative;y charged or positively charged...creates this wedge within oneself where our ability to move as the expression of our Potential is compromised within and as our very own Spelling.  

Let's together here, take a moment and explore the Self-responsible Play of Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding what it really means to express myself as living words from moment to moment as the movement of myself here as a sound.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I created my own self-authorized hypnosis within and from the starting point of wanting to be the best in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how my thinking is so much so a reactionary play out of the making of sense of what I have accepted and allowed myself to believe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the restrictions I have created upon my capacity to express myself and to see and hear what is here with clarity as a result of what I have self-authorized within myself as my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to really go in depth into looking at my starting point for wanting to be positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding that my status standing capacity to express myself from moment to moment is within and as my ability to self-correct my reactions from moment to moment and to create self-corrective solutions as an expression of me standing here from the starting point of Life - Oneness and Equality.  I realize and understand that this is a process of creative play and work as there is much to be done in seeing the errors of our ways and to seeing how we can move beyond accepted and allowed restrictions/limitations.  I realize that our a world is so much so a reflection of our words and our ability / inability to take accountability for our words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for nor realizing and understanding how each and every word is a multi dimensional tool and expression here and our ability to naturally play with the potential that exists here, is a result of our willingness to stop polarizing our accepted and allowed self-definitions here.  I realize our creative capacity is within our ability to remove the energetic charges from our words as this is so much so the key to a real world debt forgiveness, where we are no more enslaved to our own accepted and allowed bullshit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to thoroughly question What it is I am accepting and allowing,..I realize that is complete bullshit.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for logically self-manipulating myself into believing myself to be separate from the bullshit that exists here in our world,...and for believing myself to be not responsible for all the bullshit here.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how I have had a tendency to discount my capacity for change that is best for myself and others here.

I forgive myself for unwittingly accepting and allowing myself to be at war with the world.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the profound ironies within and as the military systems of control in this world and the amount of defenses/justifications and excuses I have created within myself as necessary as a result of how I am within and as my thoughts/emotions/feelings.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for defining myself as Magnificent in opposition of of Maleficent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for justifying myself to be better than others within my thinking from a point of egoistic superiority as a result of believing that I am just better and more committed to self-defining my own greatness.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the self-compromise within making believe character personalities for oneself as like the consequential outflow of self-definition from the perspective of focusing on building up a positive self regard rooted in a conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding that the more one polarizes oneself here in language, the more difficult it is to in fact have effective relationships here.  I realize our real potential here in this world is within harmonizing the points of dissonance within our language/vocabulary.


I commit myself to sounding through the process of word and world accountability, by taking the time to investigate myself and world here and to in fact utilize all the different mirrors of self-reflection that exist here.

I commit myself to sharing my process or word and world relationships.

I commit myself to expressing my process of self-investigation here.

I commit myself to the moment by moment word movement and expression of myself here.

I commit myself to play with the development of my word and world potential here.

I commit myself to assist and support others to develop there creative capacity to play with what they say and to unlock the moment by moment potential of ourselves here as practical living word and world participants Here.

I commit myself to continue to share myself in writing.

I commit myself to stop flip flopping myself within the realms of positive and negative reactions as like absolute belief systems within myself.  

When and as I see myself becoming stuck within a moment, as like having a resistance to moving myself and taking directive responsibility for my participation, I stop and breathe, I have a look at my momentary accepted and allowed bullshit...i allow myself to sit within my shit for a moment, and really see what i am doing/accepting and allowing for myself here....I also acknowledge and realize that what I am accepting and allowing for myself here, I am in fact accepting and allowing for all of existence...I face my shit...and realize that enough is enough...time to play..time to move...time for fun...time for self expression.  I see the ridiculous absurdity in deliberately accepting and allowing self-suppression.  I commit myself to the process of practical living here.  I realize that this is a process unfoldment here, and that sometimes my movements may be lame and less than graceful.  I realize there is so much fun potential here in allowing myself permission to express myself from moment to moment.  I realize my capacity to live and express words from moment to moment, develops organically as I allow myself to work with my play here in all that I say and do.