Day 796 - Rigidity Nature and Flexibility

I noticed upon waking up this morning i was a bit stiff and rigid. I experienced a tightness and even a bit of a soreness and stiffness within the middle of the small of my lower back....and also a lot more intensively so in my thighs.  Yes, my recent physical activities play a role in my physical body self-reflection and investigations.

Ironically, i've noticed that my ability to move within physical activities is so much so rooted in the deep psychology of myself here.  Meaning, my words....the vocabulary i speak....and how I say what i say...and the outlook I hold as my insight about the particularities of the relationships within and as the activities i engage within.

What is also very fascinating, is the fact that, I have a whole history of physical impressions layered in me over time on a cellular level as my words imprinted in me since childhood...and in so many ways...what i am realizing and investigating....and working on, is Identifying and correcting my cognitive dissonances.  The Interesting thing i have realized is that my cognitive dissonances have manifested in me over time as my reactionary play outs in my movements throughout my days.  Meaning, where I would react in a way of Offense or Defense.  I noticed I created these offenses and defenses in my behavior conditioning as forms of protection as a result of not really understanding points of conflict/trauma early in my life.

Ive recently started playing with a structured process of Accountability in my, 'thoughts, words, and deeds.'  How this Playing works, is:

I wake up in the morning...for my new Today.

I look within my body to see what i am experiencing.

I challenge myself to be Specific with Identifying a Word to explain and summarize the experience of myself.

I go into the specifics of the experience within my body...as how i am physically experiencing myself within particular parts of my body.

From here, I ask myself what word can I gift myself today as a complimentary support for my physical body investigations into the Initial Word I have given Focus to.

From Here, I see how this complimentary word/action exists within me as a physical body experience.  I play around for a moment and realizing myself within and as the physical movement of the particular word I have given focus to.

I am now set, in and as my structure for my daily living of word and world investigations. What happens from here, is so much so an adventure and undertaking of unpredictable explanations.  Meaning, 'it's like setting the table for a meal...you've prepared the lab for a scientific investigation and exploratory journey into yourself that you are going to walk/run in real time as Today.  To further clarify: as a result of giving attention to the first word I bring forth, (example: rigidity)...I get to know and understand myself within and as Rigidity throughout my day...I become aware of my acceptances and allowances as this point of Rigidity on a deep level. Memories come to the surface throughout the day as support in showcasing to me how I substantiated the specifics of my behavior patterns.

I find it supportive to play with both words and get to know myself and even fine tune my definitions as i go with the words I work with in and as my word/world play and participation's from day to day..

Day 795 - I Manipulate with Justification

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself in my world through Justification where I am existing in and as a sort of Ignorance of my living of and as the word JUSTIFICATION.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-sabotage myself and my participation within my world within and as the execution of JUSTIFICATION to make sense of my accepted and allowed abdications of my best potential living here as Life made manifest as the realization of myself as All as One as Equal.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how I create JUSTIFICATION as a form of Defense and Offense I administer regularly to aggressively hold myself within a state of Suppression. I realize this shows to me how deceptive I am, because within this I play dumb as a point of Inferiority, pretending I do not know what I am really doing to myself and others as I use and abuse my words specifically for a sort of reactionary play out of the truth of myself acceptances and allowances.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist slowing down within and as Vulnerability and Patience to investigate the usage of my words to be sure that I am standing clear in and as the meaning and the specificity of my share.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so careless within and as JUSTIFICATION.


I realize the shame within and as the way I have lived Justification.


I realize the travesty of my living and understanding of how to best express Justification.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to Weaponize Justification within myself where it's always been used from the starting point of me existing here on the field of battle, playing out my inner conflict and superimposing my suppression/depression onto the world as how I manipulate myself and others into the point of Inferiority.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the fear within and as my usage of Justification, where it has been my accepted and allowed, Inferiority and Inadequacy in me that has kept me Justifying....where I created this Need within myself to Explain my Reactions as my actions, to Justify my self-righteousness as someone who is ok, or even better than ok, someone who is good and is even in fact admirable.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to superimpose deceit within my structuring of words.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the origins of the trauma from my childhood as the source memories of myself physically integrating/learning how to Defend and Attack myself with Justification.



I commit myself to exposing the ridiculousness of Justification used from the starting point of making sense and rationalizing the explanations of failure without being asked and or questioned about such things.



I commit myself to question myself and others in and as the usage of Justification.


I commit myself to show how Justification is an effective tool in and as Manipulation.


I commit myself to use Justification as a tool of self-support in questioning my acceptances and allowances....and to from here be Vulnerable and Intimate with myself in going deep into the discomfort within and as my body...and from here, access the memories of my past where i accepted and allowed suppression as a result of not realizing nor investigating the specificity of my reactions.

Day 794 - FaceOff "JUSTIFICATION"

I've been facing the characters of myself as how I have conditioned myself to respond in a plethora of scenarios.  What's interesting to see is myself as the array of characters and also to within various forms of interactions/engagements where sometimes i have a particular resistance towards a certain type of character and it's like i want to move on and away from that character as quickly as possible because I see something in them that I don't like.

Lets look at this point of seeing something in another person that i don't like.

The things i see in other people at times are ugly, undesirable, awkward, overcompensation, fake, fucked, bullshit, superiority, inferiority, volatile, scripted, Routine, justification and excuses.

These are all points of myself that i am working through.

for practical purposes here: I am going to take one word:

JUSTIFICATION


I've been getting so angry when reading and speaking with others and Justification comes up.  Like this up sets me very much. The irony of this is it is showing a deeply embedded point within me.

What I have noticed about myself within and as my day to day living as JUSTIFICATION, is that it has been a point of self-suppression, a form of accepted and allowed defense system that I use as a form of Offense and Attack on myself that is projected outward onto others to compensate with a form of suppression/depression existent within myself.

Let me further clarify:

Justification has been used by me as a sort of Self-narration to Explain myself to others my Point of View as in why I am Right within my Living as the decisions I am making and have made.  Justification is the Excuses I create as the ways to validate Inferiority within myself as Accepting less than my Best Potential.

I've been using Justification as a form of aggressive Offense where I would instantly go into an automated reactionary response where I experience the urgency to Explain myself and my actions to others.  Fucked up in a lot of ways, because what this reveals upon further investigation is how I am manipulating myself in participation through others.  Meaning, I use my participations with others to validate my behavior and pattern where i superimpose a sort of Validating and Accepting response/reaction in others the way i position my sharing of information as JUSTIFICATION.

SEE:

Justification has been my way to say, " Just If I see a Tie On".  Meaning also: Just if  I/Me/You can see the connection I am making here and accept it as the terms of the Contract I am presenting here as my word scheme as my Pyramid layered self-deception.

Vulnerability has been a support word for me in going deeper into investigating JUSTIFICATION within myself.

Vulnerability is cool because I within and as Vulnerability I am strong in standing in and as Weakness.  I move past my dissonance and stand as the point of accounting for my acceptances and allowances that are not cool.

The experiences I encounter within and as my vulnerability are very challenging at times as there is often a certain amount of intensity that comes up and that has manifested in a myriad of ways in my body in various moments...and so I've made a sort of game and challenge for myself in being my own DETECTIVE in making a play and work of Identifying the Specifics of the experience that surfaces and comes up within myself.  What is very fascinating about this detective process of self-investigation for me is that my behavior and patterns are Learned over time, Layered within and as Specific Memories of past acceptances and allowances. So much fun and excitement in a way of creating the path of self-discovery with going into the seemingly Unknown of myself.  Unknown from the point of not realizing and understanding how exactly i self-sabotaged, self-suppressed myself in the first place!

This process of self-exploration as taking on the staring point responsibility here as an Existential Detective has been a journey and an adventure for each and everyone.  My ability to relate and share and teach and learn has improved immensely.  The quality of my life is a continued improvement because I Keep letting go of baggage that is unnecessary to hold onto as impressions of suppression as the points and moments in memory as Not Understanding and Realizing myself here as Life, One and Equal.

I enjoy learning so much.

I encourage each and everyone to dare to go deep within and as your participation's with others and the activities you participate within alone...and really see what you think about others and the activities you participate within ,,,and really get to know your weaknesses, you know, The Justifications.....the Just if I see a Tie On.

Remember:

Justification in and of itself can be a cool tool to see where we work to create explanation in our actions...and actually understanding the nature of justification as why we are wanting to manipulate our information in a particular way.

Do we see how Manipulation is Complimentary in action to Justification?