Day 791 - Inferiority and Money

 I found some self-forgiveness writing I had done some time ago on "Inferiority and Money".  Interesting, I had some resistance to sitting with my words here.  So here they are:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and superimpose this sort of inadequate self-acceptance in relationship towards money and activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure onto myself to explain my financial situations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question being vulnerably open about money and expenditures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to brag about wealth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a sort of inferiority/superiority character construction play out in regards/relationship to money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of inferiority within myself where i experience a sort of needing desire to explain myself to another in a way where they see me as all sorted out...well put together and well taken care of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be very concerned about how others regards and perceive me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a Want,.....specifically a Want to be regarded and perceived in a certain manner.....a manner where I am generally regarded as Superior to others....especially in regards to matters of Money, and quality of Life, and overall Well Being, and Intelligence/Awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project competition outside of myself from a starting point of separation where I create a want to explain myself to others from a a starting point of separation.....where within this, I go into the experience of justification as an outflow form of belief...in believing i must say this and this so that so and so knows this and that about me...and so they can perceive me in this way.

Asking myself what comes up...why the resistance here?

The Fear of Seeing myself within acceptances and allowances that are less than admirable in my own mind.

In my own mind I am great, the most superior, even in points of skill development i haven't yet developed, the belief is there that i can if i want to, that i can do whatever I want, that i really don't have many limits or walls on my physical ability....and for me it is simply a matter of making a decision to do whatever it is I want to do.

My general Attitude is that I get what I want. If I want it, I got it. My will is my way. I can figure out any problem.

To Investigate myself acceptances within Inferiority is an Unmasking of myself as the hiding I created as a sort of defense mechanism within my mind...to in a way, keep me locked within an Elitism mentality of Self-Righteousness where I keep the Fight for Survival alive where I am always superimposing myself as a Winner in relationship to the deep down self-acceptance of myself as a Loser.

This goes deep into myself here, and the seriousness of competition I place upon myself as like the pressure and buildup i carry around and let loose....though it's interesting because it's like I have held myself back from being One and Equal as Life here, as my Potential to be a Real Team Player, because of this point of Inferiority....Inferiority to such an extent where i dismiss and discount myself. So much of this has been hidden from me in really seeing clearly, because I always deflected self-responsibility, self-reflection away from myself and built up a wall of self-denial in so many ways....where it's like I've always been trying to be clever in building up my defenses within myself where I can mess around.

Ironically, this messing around and avoiding the deep seated truths of myself has been anything but easy. Sure, I've made things look easy at times, but it's been an act of sorts to play down an effortful performance. It's like I've become an expert in deception. Specifically specializing in self-deception, Masking myself disregard, accepted inadequacy with Superiority, and self-imposed greatness as a sort of religious belief about myself that was logically justified one day as a result of the thinking, 'this makes sense, if i am to be great, i must believe myself to be great, i must say it” Within this, there is some coolness....but, not all the way there, because i didn't totally own these words as myself, where i didn't totally live this as me...it's like i just took on a glossed on the top attitude and persona of greatness to cover up how I've really felt about myself for a long long time....so long that i didn't even understand how I could accept and allow myself to be Inferior. I didn't even know what Inferiority was, but I took it on. I accepted it within my mind....and from that moment it's like I've been in an internal conflict of Inferiority versus Superiority where Superiority must triumph over Inferiority to self-validate the experience of worth while and valuable. To be wealthy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize nor understand the irony of Inferiority versus Superiority where Superiority must win because it's like the experience of Inferiority is Superimposed within Superiority to existing as Super Inferior, where it's the experience of being Better, Winning, feeling more than that which you define as Less than. Which, is quite funny in and of itself because it's like hey, “I'm going to fight for my limitation here....see I've defined myself as 'less than' this particular thing...and so I am going to fight to become even less than this particular thing....but I will feel mighty and powerful over this point i accept and allow myself to be Less Than....So much so, I will trick myself into existing as 'more than'...and it will be gloriously victorious”

I forgive myself to suppress myself within self-definitions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which i suppress myself within my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to superimpose suppression upon myself as a result of resisting to investigate and in fact purify my word and world relationships where I see I exist in some sort of Inferiority or Superiority.

I realize all forms of Inferiority and Superiority are essentially the same thing as points of self-suppression and that it's like Inferiority is less suppression than superiority....where superiority is superior suppression. Funny to see the irony of suppression within Inferiority and Superiority where it's Inferior suppression and Superior Suppression.....like fucked and double fucked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resistance to being less fucked than I previously was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having become so used to being royally fucked that I experience myself as uncomfortable in being less than royally fucked. Where being less than royally fucked, feels strange and almost embarrassing and shameful...where i should want to fuck around more so i can get back to being royally fucked. The irony is profoundly fucked, lol.

To Be Continued with: “Royally Fucked ....Maybe, Just, Royally Screwed”

Day 783 - Real Time Learning/Movement is Always Here...Where Have I Been?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create resistance and hesitance within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how much opportunity and support is available for me in every moment here in so many ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress Learning within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize nor understand my potential to Learn and for Learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create judgements about learning particular things.....like thinking I can and cannot learn from so and so or such and and such.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to inferiorize my Learning and movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how I created stagnation within and as my learning as a result of accepting and allowing myself to Fear moving myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how synonymous Learning and Movement are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose sight of myself within and as Inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the conditioning of inferiority as a built up resistance towards movement/participation within activities in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the irony of Inferiority......where inferiority exists as a result of not physically moving oneself into a direction of self-accountability for one's acceptances and allowances in regards to a particular point....and therefore by choosing to 'not move', knot one's movement potential and response-ability...and therefore submit into the status of mind movement activity of inferiority as like creating one's own inner turmoil.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand my capacity to play and work effectively is very much directly related to my enjoyment and openness to Learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be closed minded with regards to Learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-righteous about Learning...and therfore ironically suppress my learning ability and potential.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for existing in conflict about Learning new things....where I have a resistance and hesitance to actually dare myself to move myself and play for the fun of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the fun within Learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the play within Learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my creativity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my creativity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my appearance and vulnerability within learning something new.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-sabotage myself.

Day 775 - In Fear You're It

 




Inferiority - In fear you are it. You are it in fear. Inferior I tied to the why of the fear I fear. Inferior it is why. A less than experience and acceptance and allowance.  Often masked and projected externally as superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how I have existed as the Inferiority character construction within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even believe it possible that I could exist within and as the point of Inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my very own inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and deny acknowledging points/moments/reactions within and as Inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard inferiority as such a bad thing, like one of the worst things a person could be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that inferiority is a choice and a decision so much so and that if you are ever faced within and as the point of inferiority, you should hide it by presenting a false front, lie and deny it, as a way to not accept it within yourself.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizes how I created coping defense mechanisms within my mind as ways to 'survive' within and as the moments of inferiority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how recognition of moments of inferiority is a great point of strength in seeing how and where you are not measuring up to par within and as a point/application/ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having made inferiority a perpetuated weakness within myself, by being afraid to admit points of inadequacy within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard inferiority as wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to understand and really know inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a preference towards hiding from my inferiority within and as the outward projection of superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compound the existence of inferiority within myself as a result of believing myself to be high, mighty and powerful within the character reaction of superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create abuse within myself internally and externally as a result of fearing to face myself within the full spectrum of polarized characterizations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how I constructed a primary character throughout my life as Inferiority who reacts in fear and projects superiority as a coverup job and operation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live a lie as my very own self-deception and self-manipulation as the reactionary inferiority character that created and energetic addiction towards channeling a high and might experience within myself as my energetic release for the built of layers of shit that I would compound within myself as my mind activity here in defense and conflict with myself and world as everyone here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the extent and scope to which I created clever coping mechanisms to induce a positive energy high experience and escape for myself as a result of fearing to get real with myself and acknowledge/face/know/understand my weakness as Inferiority and Inadequacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate vulnerability and sensitivity to being undesirable forms of weakness connected to inferiority and that it is my choice to disregard and deny the reality of these words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to construct myself in and as inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing my potential as a result of fearing to get real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be on the run from myself...as like constantly being on the move within fear as my accepted and allowed mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating all sort of beautiful words and ideas and concepts as various ways of my word patterned communications to perpetuate a false front....a false flag operation..a lie, a veil, a misrepresentation of the actuality of what I am accepting and allowing within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thought that is what you are suppose to do with points of inferiority and any other sort of weakness that comes up within one's mind and body experience here...as to make something up that you like better.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realizing and understanding how to substantiate my vocabulary effectively as a structurally sound foundation within myself, as the words existing within me here in and as equality and oneness, from the perspective that words are innocent and do not require me to make up charges held against the words as them being polarized within the scope of positive, neutral and negative energies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a world of impotence, as a sort of powerlessness that is governed and controlled, ruled through and as my accepted and allowed fear...a sort of self-inflicted spitefulness as the lack of understanding of what Inferiority in fact means.

I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding the sense of irony existed within and as word and world relationships here, within and as our oneness and equality, as that is the one point always here...our oneness and equality...and the irony of course is within and as our self-definition as how we imprison our very cells here at a resonant level as the scope of the entirety of ourselves as all of existence within and as our sound.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my potential to exist here as sound, has been suppressed, that I have been existing here within and as a sort of noise, a derivative of sound, a less than experience...the epitome of inferiority...rooted in and as self-abuse, being in conflict with myself and not even realizing how I am in fact perpetuating and prolonging a war within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the propaganda I would create in and as various forms of reaction/fear of myself being here within and as a point of reaction....where I would then create a disinformation agenda to quickly move into another character to hide the scope of the truth of myself, which has been the very initial reaction/fear within myself, as fear it self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a battle/conflict of epic proportions with Fear...believing Fear to be the ultimate enemy and point of separation that I must fight against as the very quick moving reactionary defense systems within my mind.  I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding how extensively I have been on the attack and the defense at the same time...the complete reflection of and as the military war machine here in all ways, penetrating the totality of my existence here.


When and as I see myself reacting in Inferiority/inadequacy, I stop and breathe, I take a moment to correctly identify the specifics of my reactionary defense/weakness.  I realize this is a weakness that requires specific self-correction because it is being revealed to me in my mind as a form of military defense and offense upon myself and all of existence here.  I realize it is my self-responsibility to come to terms within myself as a removing myself from the field of battle, where I release myself from participation within and as the enemy construct here. I see, realize and understand the solution of myself here at peace with all of existence as a point of agreement within and as my word relationships here, where I in fact am at ease with my word and world relationships here, where I mean no offense or defense.  I commit myself to the process of settling the terms of negotiation within myself as the vocabulary that exists within myself as a form of energetic dissonance.  I realize and understand the process of self-transformation as the self-direction of my existence within and as energetic information, to that of physical sound substance here as the physical universe here.  I realize, understand, and know the process of status correction here to be a labored physical process of nurturing myself back together again, from disharmony and disease to harmony here as the sound of music at ease.  I realize the substance of self-expression here is in fact our sound.  I commit myself to birthing myself as sound/life here.