For a long while I've been pretty loose with the rules while playing golf, where I would improve my lie (how the ball is laying on the ground...making it more forgiving), take generous drops, give myself putts, take mulligans, and be forgiving with out of bounds and penalty stroke rules.
I bring attention to this here....because I reflect back to playing when I was fairly young, and me and my friend were fairly competitive about posting the lowest scores we could. And what happened slowly but surely is I became forgiving on points/rules of enforcement...I mean it would be a gimme on a putt here...or a mulligan on the first hole....or like saying one mulligan per round....or saying we can fluff our ball's lies.
I've started playing golf again with a competitive spirit about scoring as best as i am possibly able to. I am also very serious in developing my performance to an elite level. My ability at the moment is above average. I've come to recognize that I've tainted my best golf development over the years by being so slack with the rules. I see this as consequential because it's like I resisted making mistakes...and when i would make mistakes i would cover them up, forgive them without really completely taking responsibility for it and learning from it, understanding the specific mechanics of my error.
In fact, i see how I have accepted and allowed myself to create emotions and feelings about my swings and scores in golf....where it's like a point of perfection or imperfection on each shot and result....so like, multiple judgement system relationships here.
I am also noticing how I don't want to continue within this type of relationship patterned behavior with regards to my relationship with golf. I am seeing a lot of layers here that need to be fine tuned.
I am also questioning how my relationship within golf relates and reflects to other areas within my life. To take this question to the core of myself within the perspective and consideration of personality character design and construction; What stand out to me is: Superiority and Inferiority and the relationship with perfection and and Imperfection where these words are forms of polarized judgements. I notice how I write the construct down here as, "superiority and inferiority"...that i want to put superiority first as like a desire to associate myself more with superiority and how i wish to come across and be more closely associated as superior. In writing here i can see how superiority and inferiority are words that exist within me that are closely related in a polarized way to perfection and imperfection.
I see this as a topic for me to explore more into specifics.
At this point i would like to open up self-forgiveness on points that stick out for me here:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cheat myself at golf and at life. I realize it is my relationship within and as how I play in regards to my thoughts, feelings and emotions that can be improved upon, as I realize and understand the way in which i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within golf has sort of perpetuated and compounded myself existing within and as a sort of ego conflict within myself where i am polarized into reacting consistently at the results/actions of myself where there is a an ongoing scoring evaluation of myself within judgement in the form of emotion and feeling, so much so related to my definitions of perfection and imperfection
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for suppressing my feelings and emotions within seeing the shame about how i have defined my feelings and emotions in relationship to perfection and imperfection. I realize that taking a neutral approach is totally tied to keeping the inferiority and superiority character construction in tact within myself as like playing it neutral is almost like playing it cool when all is not cool within oneself....or like playing it extra chill when one is totally not experiencing them-self as super chill but wants to put on the front of being super chill.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stress myself out within taking the time to actually look at how I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat the best development of my potential within golf/life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being embarrassed and shameful to talk and share about the fact that i have existed within inferiority and superiority within myself. I realize the inequality within accepting this type of attitude and perception about myself in regards to others here. I realize taking on this attitude and thinking is a mistake, is consequential of existing within and as a state of mind consciousness with a polarized energetically charged vocabulary. I commit myself to stopping this patterned behavior and walking the fine tuning of myself here as my words, where i remove the charges against myself...I re-establish the terms/definitions of my words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking it normal to fuck with oneself in reacting and creating forms of stress on the body within and as one's relationship to words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cheat myself within my mind of thinking thoughts where i buy into the highs and lows of my feelings and emotions and allow myself to become distracted by them and influence my movement and ability to create and live my utmost potential.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slack off on myself discipline with regards to my competitive spirit in regards to athletics and sports.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to inferiorize myself within competitions and at the same time desire superiority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how I have created inferiority within and as my best ability as a result of being dishonest with myself and tainting my vocabulary within and as results of perfection and imperfection.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand how so much so my life and abilities within my life are correlated with how I live words within my physical body here....that my words are my living actions and there is many ways in which i can express myself through my words. I realize my actions are a reflection of my words. I realize my participation within all things is a reflection of my self-development and word/world agreements.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to frustrate myself within looking at what I have accepted and allowed throughout my life that is less that my best potential.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overwhelmed within looking at the definitions terms/words of agreements I agreed to participate within. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist taking self-responsibility for my consent within all my relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear vulnerability in exposing/sharing my mistakes.
I forgive myself for not realizing and understanding the irony within fearing the vulnerability to share/expose my mistakes. I see, realize and know the irony here as being tragically comical because within sharing one's mistakes, one is able to assist and support others to learn lessons without having to necessarily remain within the same suppression that I was existing within. I realize that sharing one's mistakes and the lessons learned, is in fact an act of compassion in care/regard to support another as oneself here. I see this as the practical living embodiment of self-respect, self-regard, self-nourishment, and self-development.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sharing myself as a result of being competitive within myself from a polarized relationship of inferiority and superiority. I realize the ridiculousness of defining myself into opposition within myself through and as the confusion of my word relationships and agreements. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the tragic comedy of energetically inferior and superior word and world relationships....where more value is given to that which is regarded as more, and less value to that which is disregarded as less....from the perspective of everything Being Life equality and oneness here...and a dissonance existing as the very design of polarized energetic resonance through and as the accepted and allowed inferiority and superiority within and as one's word and world relationships within oneself as all Life here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself in ways that are less than great.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to take self-responsibility for my less than great self-definitions here.
I realize and understand my self-responsibility for myself-definitions here...and that my relationships within and as words is key to myself living for real in physical reality here.
I commit myself to self-improvement through and as self-responsibility in and as my practical every day living and usage of words.
I commit myself to share my process of self-realization and understanding.
I commit myself to humbleness within vulnerability as i see myself within and as the mistakes I make. I commit myself to being efficient and effective at learning from my mistakes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pad my stats within and as my results within activities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fuck with my legitimacy, integrity and resolve.
I commit myself to practically living the words Legitimacy, Integrity, and Resolve as points of self-commitment in walking through my mistakes as learning lessons...and to learn as effectively and efficiently as possible within walking through learning lessons. I commit myself to being open and vulnerable within and as I walk my process journey to Life.
I commit myself to accountability and integrity within and as my thoughts/words/deeds.
I commit myself to practically living the word Ownership in regard to self-accountability and self-responsibility as points of practically living the best care taking.
No comments:
Post a Comment