Day 791 - Inferiority and Money

 I found some self-forgiveness writing I had done some time ago on "Inferiority and Money".  Interesting, I had some resistance to sitting with my words here.  So here they are:



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and superimpose this sort of inadequate self-acceptance in relationship towards money and activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure onto myself to explain my financial situations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to question being vulnerably open about money and expenditures.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to brag about wealth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a sort of inferiority/superiority character construction play out in regards/relationship to money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of inferiority within myself where i experience a sort of needing desire to explain myself to another in a way where they see me as all sorted out...well put together and well taken care of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be very concerned about how others regards and perceive me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a Want,.....specifically a Want to be regarded and perceived in a certain manner.....a manner where I am generally regarded as Superior to others....especially in regards to matters of Money, and quality of Life, and overall Well Being, and Intelligence/Awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project competition outside of myself from a starting point of separation where I create a want to explain myself to others from a a starting point of separation.....where within this, I go into the experience of justification as an outflow form of belief...in believing i must say this and this so that so and so knows this and that about me...and so they can perceive me in this way.

Asking myself what comes up...why the resistance here?

The Fear of Seeing myself within acceptances and allowances that are less than admirable in my own mind.

In my own mind I am great, the most superior, even in points of skill development i haven't yet developed, the belief is there that i can if i want to, that i can do whatever I want, that i really don't have many limits or walls on my physical ability....and for me it is simply a matter of making a decision to do whatever it is I want to do.

My general Attitude is that I get what I want. If I want it, I got it. My will is my way. I can figure out any problem.

To Investigate myself acceptances within Inferiority is an Unmasking of myself as the hiding I created as a sort of defense mechanism within my mind...to in a way, keep me locked within an Elitism mentality of Self-Righteousness where I keep the Fight for Survival alive where I am always superimposing myself as a Winner in relationship to the deep down self-acceptance of myself as a Loser.

This goes deep into myself here, and the seriousness of competition I place upon myself as like the pressure and buildup i carry around and let loose....though it's interesting because it's like I have held myself back from being One and Equal as Life here, as my Potential to be a Real Team Player, because of this point of Inferiority....Inferiority to such an extent where i dismiss and discount myself. So much of this has been hidden from me in really seeing clearly, because I always deflected self-responsibility, self-reflection away from myself and built up a wall of self-denial in so many ways....where it's like I've always been trying to be clever in building up my defenses within myself where I can mess around.

Ironically, this messing around and avoiding the deep seated truths of myself has been anything but easy. Sure, I've made things look easy at times, but it's been an act of sorts to play down an effortful performance. It's like I've become an expert in deception. Specifically specializing in self-deception, Masking myself disregard, accepted inadequacy with Superiority, and self-imposed greatness as a sort of religious belief about myself that was logically justified one day as a result of the thinking, 'this makes sense, if i am to be great, i must believe myself to be great, i must say it” Within this, there is some coolness....but, not all the way there, because i didn't totally own these words as myself, where i didn't totally live this as me...it's like i just took on a glossed on the top attitude and persona of greatness to cover up how I've really felt about myself for a long long time....so long that i didn't even understand how I could accept and allow myself to be Inferior. I didn't even know what Inferiority was, but I took it on. I accepted it within my mind....and from that moment it's like I've been in an internal conflict of Inferiority versus Superiority where Superiority must triumph over Inferiority to self-validate the experience of worth while and valuable. To be wealthy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize nor understand the irony of Inferiority versus Superiority where Superiority must win because it's like the experience of Inferiority is Superimposed within Superiority to existing as Super Inferior, where it's the experience of being Better, Winning, feeling more than that which you define as Less than. Which, is quite funny in and of itself because it's like hey, “I'm going to fight for my limitation here....see I've defined myself as 'less than' this particular thing...and so I am going to fight to become even less than this particular thing....but I will feel mighty and powerful over this point i accept and allow myself to be Less Than....So much so, I will trick myself into existing as 'more than'...and it will be gloriously victorious”

I forgive myself to suppress myself within self-definitions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the extent to which i suppress myself within my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to superimpose suppression upon myself as a result of resisting to investigate and in fact purify my word and world relationships where I see I exist in some sort of Inferiority or Superiority.

I realize all forms of Inferiority and Superiority are essentially the same thing as points of self-suppression and that it's like Inferiority is less suppression than superiority....where superiority is superior suppression. Funny to see the irony of suppression within Inferiority and Superiority where it's Inferior suppression and Superior Suppression.....like fucked and double fucked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resistance to being less fucked than I previously was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having become so used to being royally fucked that I experience myself as uncomfortable in being less than royally fucked. Where being less than royally fucked, feels strange and almost embarrassing and shameful...where i should want to fuck around more so i can get back to being royally fucked. The irony is profoundly fucked, lol.

To Be Continued with: “Royally Fucked ....Maybe, Just, Royally Screwed”