Day 784 - "Let me Tell You"

Communication is a really fascinating endeavor, Isn't it?

I mean, an Endeavor can be regarded in a Plethora of ways, can't it?

Where am I going here with my focal point?

Let me tell You:

I've become aware that in many instances I have communicated from a starting point of "Let me Tell You", with a specific emphasis on the positive feeling or negative emotion that comes up within me connected to a desire to say my piece about whatever the point in question happens to be.  In many instances, my telling is a suppressed form of sharing....because my starting point has often been conflicted to some extent.  Not always, but in many instances...Like, specifically when there is an urge to say something...You know, that experience of I got to tell you this now...like oh man, i was triggered by something you said and now i got to let you know what i think about that.

And within this starting point of "let me tell you", there's a whole range of emotion and feeling reactions.  Some of them are subtle and some are intense, and some are somewhere in between subtle and intense.

Who really cares about the quality of communication anyways?  I mean, isn't the most important thing that we just say whatever it is that comes up within ourselves?  You know, like, we are all just shit shooters....shooting shit at each other and making a big deal about shit that isn't really substantial but is just inflated shit that has no real core depth about it...you know, that surface and petty bullshit being flung around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak from a starting point of being worked up within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thing the importance of what i have to say is determined by the energetic build up inside myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the quality of my communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-sacrifice quality of words for quantity of words...as like in a way sexualizing my vocabulary and just wanting to get a rise in a way....so it's like how many times times can i get off, a rise, feel an energetic high and get a release with what i say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the extent to which i have justified speaking a sort of venom within my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify spewing shit/venom because of the experience within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recycle participation within energetic mindfucks within myself.  I realize my capacity to effectively live the accounting for my words here, because i am here within and as my words everyday.  I realize my responsibility to investigate the purity of my words and sounds.

I commit myself to purity in thoughts, words and deeds.

I commit myself to investigatng the purity of my thoughts, words and deeds.

I commit myself to listening to the quality of my sound.

I commit myself to substantiating the equality and oneness of myself here.  I realize my sound in and as my words is a cool cross reference check point.

Day 505 Fishing For Reactions

I was at the comedy club tonight checking out a show. It was a real nice venue where the stage was real close to the audience, in a not too big of a room that had about 200 people. I liked the set up in that people were packed into the place.

A few judgments came up in me this evening as points of self-reflection:

Laughter used as a point of reaction as like reacting to the comic just saying something shocking/surprising/distasteful/vulgar/inconsiderate.

Comic fishing for the laughter as a point of reaction to just saying something shocking/surprising/distasteful/vulgar/inconsiderate.

Comic talking shit about another person.


I realize and understand that these are all tactics used within the arena of stand up comedy. I understand the judgement has come up within me because these are all things I have done. I've done all of these things a lot.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fishing for laughter as a point of reaction to just saying something that is regarded as shocking/surprising/distasteful/vulgar/inconsiderate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for laughing from within and as the starting point of reacting to hearing something shocking/surprising/distasteful/vulgar/inconsiderate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fishing for laughter from others by talking shit about another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for laughing as a reaction to someone talking shit about someone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my potential to share real funny within desiring to receive reactionary laughter that can be regarded as funny.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for make believing funny out of making fun of others as like forms of put-downs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for separating the starting point of ridiculousness away from myself as within making fun of somebody else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging the audience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding myself as the audience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging comedians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself as a comedian.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to take it personally when I see a comedian doing a bit that I don't think is very good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for placing expectations upon stand-up comedians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for mind fucking with myself about comedy/stand up comedy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging the various tactics used within the craft of stand up comedy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself in competition with other stand up comedians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard myself as superior and inferior to other stand up comedians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing stand up comedy to be just a big ego dick swinging competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for reacting to comics getting emotional.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting emotional doing stand up comedy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk shit about stand up comedians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk shit about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get jealous and envious of stand up comedians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to put in the time working on my stand up comedy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making excuses and justifications as to why I have been neglecting the point of stand up comedy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed with myself for slacking off on the point of stand up comedy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding how I have mind fucked myself with regards to stand up comedy within and as the result of accepting and allowing myself to indulge within backchat as self imposed limitation in and as the form of excuses/justification/avoidance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself for fishing for reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fishing for reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for defining fishing for reactions as something bad and negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling guilty for having triggered so many reactions in so many people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that I must try to avoid triggering reactions in people at all times.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for taking offense to reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for reacting to reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing for taking reactions personally within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of all my reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed of all my reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disgusted by my reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting high off of reactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling powerful within generating/triggering reactions within myself/others.



To be Continued