Day 217 Breathing Part 14 of 21 Desire

I forgive myself for not realising and understanding obsession/possession as like addiction to fulfilling and chasing after desires can be adverted/avoided by accepting and allowing the release of built up energy within self as like, stopping and breathing...as specific attention given to mind particpations to focus on stopping back chat particpations and breathe here as self commitment to stopping particpation within mind patterned behaviour of self interest that is a test of self stability.

I forgive myself for not realising that my mind consciousness system is often throughout the day presenting me with tests as forms of feedback that is best used and interpreted as a tool of support to facilitate change that is best for all life here by living equality and oneness in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling weird for stopping movement and particpations from the starting point of desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having ressited seeing the point for a long time that my physical particpations here have been fueled with desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having justified participations within desire because of strenght of relationship connection as defined value as like how much I am being attracted/pulled towards a point of participation as like being obsessed/possessed/directed by accepted and allowed energies.

I realise I am grateful for all the mistakes I have made as like moments of living from and as the starting point of desire as like the attitude of 'living the dream'...as like self fulfilling prophecy of self interest indulgences of excess as like focusing on self interest always as like to make sure always living out desires.

I realise the ridiculousness of being obsessed/possessed by self created desires as like an awareness suppression as like creating a tunnel vision which tunes out the totality of the whole picture here and accpets and allows self to zoom in on point of desire as like personal gratification as self interest indulgence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being addicted to self interest indulgences.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to be obsessing and possessing about a point within my mind as like a desired future projection, I stop and breathe and realise the ridiculousness of worrying about fuelling the future with the energy from the present today and the past yesterday.

Day 216 Breathing Part 13 of 21 Desire and Sex

It's interesting that as I focus my blog writing on breathing...having made a commitment to blog about my breathing for 21 days and to work on establishing consistency with the 4 count breath....other points have opened up. It's cool because my awareness of myself breathing here has expanded. Previously I just considered myself to be breathing with my lungs....now I perceive myself to be breathing with my Whole Body...which is a Big change...I'm still getting aquainted with this understanding as it's a new insight so to speak.

In my previous blog I exposed the point of desire a little bit. What sparked my writing about desire yesterday was seeing and realising how I have allowed myself to be possessed/obsessed by desires.  Yesterday this point opened up of desire obsession/possession opened up with regards to sex.

It is clear to me that I have used blame, manipulation, anger/frustration/irritation as tactics to facilitate sexual desires.  Some real brutality here.

I was looking for a little more perspective about desire...and so I google searched "desire desteni" as I had gathered insight and understanding about desire through the desteni material in the past.

My search generated lots of results.  I found immiediatley a youtube video entitled, "The Design of Desire Field" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOIYdYj7IUA

Desire is charged through the orgasm...sex.

Also, prior to wathcing the video, I came across discussion on the Desteni Forums about Desire....it's kind of funny in an ironic sort of serendipity sort of way because after reading through the first few posts on this particular desteni forum with regards to desire....I came  across my comment as having posted, "cool"...as like showing/revealing to me I've been here before investigating/questioning this point within myself....and it's like I didn't get all the roots of desire out of myself because I'm going back and connecting with a point I was looking at over 2 years ago.

The link to the desteni forum discussion on desire I am referring to is http://forum.desteni.org/viewtopic.php?t=917

What's interesting and relevant within this link for me as a means of support is the added exposure in exposing the emphasis of desire being related to the points/tactics of manipulation, blame and frustration as a means to getting what is desired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and inderstanding the starting point of desire being connected to the orgasm in sex as the energetic buildup and release as like a compounding within the unifide field of humanity through the unconscious mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding how lost within addiction as sexual desire I have been.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for time looping within sexual desire possession/obsession.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being so fucking brutal in feeding sexual desire particpation through the use of tactics such as anger/irritation/frustration/manipulation/blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking/perceiving Life to be all about desire as sexual energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for begining a relationship from the starting point of desiring sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that me and my girlfriend have a cool point for starting out relationship because we both desire sex and we have acknowledged this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having not followed through with further investigation into the point that I've been a sex junkie and that the starting point of my relationship with my girlfriend has been that of like two addicts securing a high as like a lifetime supply of the buzz wanted as orgasm release through sex as sexual desire fulfillment.

I forgive myself for not realising and understanding the harm within existing within a relationship from the starting point of fulfilling sexual desires as like existing as each other's heroin so to speak as like willing to shoot each other up so to speak as like doing whatever the other desires so as to make sure getting high as sexual orgasm always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being addicted to sexual orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for relating everything to sexual orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being obsessed and possessed by building up and relasing sexual energy as orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding the extent of myself within and as the termonology/phrase, "energy slut"....and I forgive myself for not realising and understanding the irony as like the self refelction being constantly in my face as like me here being a massive energy slut as like having made a point of existing here as feeding addictions as moving as an energy slut from the perspective that I've willed myself to chase and fulfill desires no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising the extent of the fucking I have been doing to myself as consequences of being possessed/obsessed by sexual desire as sexual orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a self righteous energy slut willing to compromise well being at the expense of scoring high experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having particpated within an abusive relationship as consequence of accepting and allowing sex addiction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising my sexual frustrations as like anger and irritation as consequence of accepting and allowing myself to be obsessed and possessed by sexual orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having mistreated myself/all my girlfriends as consequence of sexual addiction as like being obsessed/possessed with desire to orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted investing in the what is sex interview series on eqafe...and also shocking secrets of masturbation as a means of practical physical self support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having allowed myself to wallow in dispair for a few moments upon looking at my acceptances and allowances with regards to desire as like accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and place a blame on my already accepted and allowed blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fro punishing myself with negative charges against myself believed as necessairy reactions/judgements/consequences/punishment for unjust brutal self righteous behaviour.

I realise I have just begun to expose a huge point that is life changing.

215 Breathing Part 12 of 21

I'm learning to move through mind resistances as like a tiredness can be avoided with effective breath particpation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for giving into mind resistances as like tiredness as like forms of self suppressions as like realms of mind consciousness systmes programming as a means of keeping myself codified within behaviour patterned alternate reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having made breathing through resistances as like a picking and choosing my battles as accepted and allowed connflict/frictions based on compromises certain points as consequence of not wanting to accept and allow myself to push through accepted and allowed resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having chose to do many points of self realisation the long and difficult way as consequence of wanting to do and learn things my way from the perspective of ego as like consequence of chasing after experiences of desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and undeerstanding how as I have increased my understanding/awareness of breathing, I have enhanced my movement within process as confidence and stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having surpressed the corelation/connection between confidence/stability and breath awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for trying to force breath awareness from the starting point of desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for fucking with myself as like reacting to seeing points that I havent yet transcended,,,but desire to transcend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for desiring to transcend points of limitation/suppression.

214 Breathing Part 11 of 21

So I missed a bunch of breaths today. I slept through my alarm clock or my alarm didnt go off.  I got distracted with my time management today with regards to the schedule I made.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for choosing to be distracted for self responsibilities as scheduled commitments because a distraction presents itself as more appealing as like being of greater value to me in terms of me liking to particpate in the distraction more than I would like to particpate in scheduled resposnsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for always creating wiggle room as like time for distractions as to advert my attention and focus away from points of self support in favour of entertainment as like reactionary train of though possession as like choosing to be scuked into vortex of mind consciousness as like a state of energetic obsession.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging the fact that shit happens and that I am resposnible for directing myself through the consequence of shit happening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having created a preference to postponing work that I have initial resistances towards in favour of distractions as like forms/realms of entertainment that I am more attracted to as like having assigned a greater value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for assessing my movement and particpations based upon value assignment from the starting point of emotions and feelings as my likes and dislikes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for reacting to the fact that I have realised that my movements have been linked and correlated to emotions and feelings as my likes and dislikes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling like I dont always have time to breathe effectively.  I forgive myself for not realising and understanding that I am rushing within my  mind as like being out of my body and too much in the mind from the perspective that I am not allowing myself to slow down within my body and just breathe as physicality here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that I am breathing with my WHOLE body always and that four count breathing is not just baout breathing in the lunngs so to speak...it is about the totality of me here as physicality as like every cell of my beingness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having some reaction to the fact that I am facing a point of difficulty in establishing effectiveness in breathing. I realise I am required to walk the point of discipline and focus and perserverance as like directive will.

Day 213 Breathing Part 10 of 21

This making a point of drawing specific attention to my breathing as a means of physical structural support has been assisting and supporting in my daily living.  It's like I'm becoming so stable in mastering my feelings/emotions/reactions/backchat...I mean...understanding and giving attention to breathing as a means of like enabling opening up the point of a physical reality check...is an awesome alignment tuning...it's like making the point of daily alignment tuning as like a preventative measure in avoiding any serious misalignmnet as a consequence of not accepting and allowing the time for daily regular physical reality checks so as to keep the tune as hamonious here presence as equality and oneness as like an enjoyable way to move through daily tasks/responsibilities with an ease as like rythmic flow due to the attention to breathing as like enabling and opening up the point of timing and coordination.

My skiing and snowboarding taching methodologies have been encorporated into my writings as like connected vocaublary terms as like im seeing how understanding one thing applies to other things and that when one understands something well it is easy to make examples and corelations as like points of relevance/relativity.

Note: I'm bumping up my school studies daily time allotment to between 3 and 4 hours a day. I gots lots...lol...I gots lots...lol...I gots lots...sounds funny to say I gots lots...I have lots...I gots lots...of school information to plow through...take in as a means of assistance and support.  In my one clase I must have atleast 4000 pages of fine fine print to blast through...so I'm gonna be dilligent and precise with my timing so that I can move through the abundance of academia terrain with expert ease as like common sense applications. Breathing will be my guide of support to keep myself within a centred mobile stance so as to remain with good posture allignmnet...so that my body is resting easy on my skeleton while I work and therfore am not exerting my body extra hard while stimulating my mental capacities...and therefore I will not fatigue as easily and my attention/focus will be like a hawk as I zoom in with acute attention to detail/specificty as I learn the art of meticulousness.

I started making up an outlined 7 day schedule...and a key important theme within my scheduling that I am finally pushing the point on,...is a set wakeup routine...where I get up at 6am every morning...I have in the past so often fluctuated and deviated from routine at ervery available chance...so to set up an actual daily routine...is something cool that I am doing for myself to assist and support physical stability with timing/coordination/rest/consistency...and ya, to maximize daily potential...so I can maximize daily opportunities/responisibilites to the best of my capabilities.  I see establishing such regimented daily routine for myself as a step in the right direction to leap frogging into huge self expansion as result of becoming increasingly more effective with daily doings.

Some freestyle flowed self forgiveness in relation to written words here today:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted creating networks of support for myself as like saily planning routines and schedules so as to maximize time alottments on a daily basis.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted the point of daily physical reality checks as like the breath awareness...4 count breathing...so as to make sure I don't allow myself to get to out of wack in my physical structural allignment here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having not realised how I like doing more...and that for me to do more throughout the day I require to be effective with time management skills and to be effective and dilligent with tasks...and that it is key to not get lost within mind...so as to remain on track as like focus like a hawk...as like eye on the prize...and the prize is me as presences as participations in the moment as a means of practical living assistance and support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having made existing here difficult as consequence of indulging within reactions and getting lost within indulgence as like a form of addiction I fucked myself with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted the point of incorporating daily intimate details within my blogging as like a sharing as a giving as like a receiving as like a point of practical self support and nourishment to assist and support the effectiveness as writing as a point of life enhancement as writing living words as a means of self suppor as self expansion as self perfection as like fine tuning as sound stability as equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for forgetting about self commitments as like something I can pick and choose to remember or forget.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for ignoring self commitments in favour of self interests as separate from life commitments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for ahving created frictions between self commitments and self itnerests.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having at times been impatient with the process of practical physical re-allignmnet of self interests and self commitments as equality and oneness in and as starting point so as to stand eternal within and as my words as a means and a bridge of support so as to walk on solid ground as like laying the foundation that is physical support for movement here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that I am training and preparing myself fro more and more greater responsibilities by learning to live effective self discipline and dilligence as an effective worker that is a labour of love as self enjoyment in moving self here as a master of efficiency and preparation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having rebelled and terrorized my physical well being as consequence of operating from within and as a starting point of ego as neglecting starting point of equality and oneness and therfore not considering how to best nourish and support myself as a reflection of nourishing and supporting all life here.

I realise my writing here as a means of physical structural self support to enhance my daily living.

I realise my words as a live living me here in self expressive moments as sharing/caring/giving/receiving.

I realise the importance of daily physical reality checks as breathing as breath awareness so as to keep one self from gettin gto out of wack as consequence of missing out on too many presents of breath opportunities.

I realise and note the presents of breath opportunities as like fuck ya I see the presents in breath opportunities as me gasms as like opening up orgasmic self expressions due to not accepting and allowing self suppression as a result of capitalising on breath opportunities as like a giving I like receiving.

I commit myself to giving as I like to receieve.

I commit myself to liviing to give.

I commit myself to writing daily as a means of practical physical self support as life enhancement and expansion as like fucking awesomeness exposed.

When and as I see myself resisting the awesomeness in writing as a practical self support and go into a a writing from the starting point of friction as like I am doing it but im not really doing it...like a Im faking writing as a means of self support....I stop and I breathe and I realise the ridiuclousness of accepting and allowing myself to be a poser/faker...as like pretending to be what I believe is right as like a righteous mother fucker.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having exisited within and as the starting point of a faker/poser/righteous mother fucker.

Day 212 Breathing Part 9 of 21

So, I forgot I was breathing a bunch of times today.  Fortunately though, even though I forgot I was breathing...I was still breathing and am here to share as I didn't die even though I forgot I was breathing.  It's like pretty fucking sweet that I don't have to be thinking about my every breath...because well I'd already be dead.  I've tried to think about my every breath and that is a mind fuck I have not been able to keep up with.  It's like I've been approaching presents of breath all wrong as like Ive been trying to creat a conscious presence of breath as like creating a thought focus on and about breathing as like a constant observation as like looking at my breathing as like looking at my mind movement as thinking.

At the same time it's kind of bizarre that I think...I mean my thinking is like a form of entertainment as like a form of indulgence that I continue to particpate in the more I particpate in it...it's like a perpetual motion...momentum.

My body is doing all sorts of work without my conscious direction.  This fact kind of exposes to me the ridiculousness of my mind consciousness system...as like uselessness...as really what the fuck is the point of how I have created relationships in my mind.  I am grateful my body has a mind of its own so sto speak as like a a common sense physical practicality as like a natural nature symbiotic agreement as like billions/trillions of parts working together as harmonious relationships...like self preservation...self perpetuation...as like working to keep working as a love of labour.

It's kind of ironic my body and my mind are working the same way...working the same way But from different starting points....it's like my mind has always been working from the satrting point of self interest as like without regard for harmonious agreements here and the starting point has been on survival from the perspective of fulfilling desires at the expense of losing/disregarding relationships with others. So basically what I am saying is my mind consciousness is like realms of fear....as like egoic behaviour and fears non existence as like the death of ego....and my physical body just work as a labor of love as practical assistance and support....honouring and cherishing relationships as like agreements...as a harmonious togetherness.

What I've come to notice/realise is that my mind participations as consciousness have been acts of self sabotage so to speak as like disregarding the best interests of the sum of all parts of physicality here....and what's ridiculous about this is that consciousness is like a mental projection and isnt even a real physical part...it's like a fake part I make believed and have perpetuated by acting out...as like following scripts as programming within myself as like believing me to be nothing more than ego acceptances and allowances.

I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself for fucking with my physicality by participating within consciousness as like forming and participating in relationships based from and as a starting point of separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for manipulating physicality with obsession/addiction within and as perpetuation of consciousness participations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that I need to think about breathing constantly for me to be aware of breathing constantly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having created conscious perceptions/ideas/memories based on experiences of what I think it means to remain and stay within and as breath as like physical presence/direction/movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fo rdesiring to be conscious of my breathing each breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for reacting to missing self directions/presence of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling like I am going to have to keep re-starting 21 day breath challenge as four count breathing without missing a single breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking I should just try to breath without four count breath exercise because I get discouraged for losing track of breathing as a consistent steady rythym of 4 count breaths.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting discouraged with discipline and dilligence required to move effectively as 4 count breathing consistency and constant.

I commit myself to mastering four count breathing exercise.

I commit myself to stop mind fucking with myself as I realise mind fucking to be like act of terrorism on my physicality here...as like choosing to create conflict with physical life.

I commit myself to letting go and practicing stopping mind participations as like conscious addictions and obsessions as like chasing energy buzz within myself as like always trying to fulfill myself from a satrting point of unfulfillment.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself getting overwhelmed with the extent of my participations as ego mind fucking, I stop and breathe and allow myself to let go of accepted and allowed ridiculousness as I realise the ridiculousness of continuing any further particpations within and as self induced mind fucking.

Day 211 Breathing Part 8 of 21

I'm on day one of establishing consistency with 4 count breath.  I have not yet been able to get to day 2.  Day 2, meaning, that I have successfully not missed a breath within the day as breath presence awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for forgetting to breathe as like a point of sticking with breath awareness.

I forgive myself for not realising and understanding how many times I've taken my breath away as consequence of being consumed by mental participations as thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for struggling to establish consistency within and as 4 count breathing throughout my day here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that it is too difficult and hard to communicate and be practicinf four count breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fo rhaving thoughts of giving up on four count breathing before I have even really given myself a a great opportunity to be successful as learning to move myself here as 4 count breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for struggeling to write this blog while practicing four count breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking breathing to be easier if I am not counting my breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making a fuss as like reactions/irritation/frustration to writing here while applying four count breathing technique.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting upset with myself when I am unable to accomplish something within a moment and then react to the point of failure as like, fuck, I didn't succeed with this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not wanting anything to be difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for reacting to challenges.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for for forgetting my breath here today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising how vulnerable I am to mind consciousness system possession as consequence of forgetting breath as a practical physical support here in each moment as the insurance for stability as equality and oneness.

I realise the importance of each breath as a practical physical support for stability as equality and oneness.

I commit myself to living and becoming the importance of each breath as a practical physical support for stability as equality and oneness