Day 395 Ejaculation Collapse

Day 395 Ejaculation Collapse

Ejaculation has been feeling like a last breath collapse…like I got the air in me and then it’s like I can’t breathe the air out to get more air….and then I’m done…like a system shutdown/reboot…I noticed today within sex…and I can recall noticing this before…but kind of forgetting that it’s like I give into the energy accumulation buildup as like this is all I can take/want to handle…and then it’s like explosion/ejaculation/collapse/reboot/system shutdown time…and within this…I see that it’s like me losing myself within the moment for a split second…as like giving into the energy accumulation…and wanting a release from the energy accumulation…as like saying no more can I direct this energetic force I’ve been creating and moving within…it’s like I got to let go…got to unload the load…release the load…squirt the dirt…spray the jizz.

Within and as considerations with regards to accumulating a load to release as the point of orgasmic ejaculation…I’d like to do some self-forgiveness with regards to the process of unloading jizz/cum/sperm/semen/energy accumulation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for getting overwhelmed with energetic buildup within sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for losing my breath awareness with and as the point of ejaculation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for wanting and desiring to control the point of ejaculation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control my orgasms and ejaculations as like just choosing to unload as soon as the opportunity arises as like choosing to control orgasmic outcome…and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not considering the point that I have been limiting my physical sexual expression within and as the point of control as like fearing to let go of control of ejaculation…as like moving into the total unknown as orgasmic ejaculation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for like just stopping and shutting down within myself as like at the point of ejaculation as like for a moment being in a temporary collapse/like frozen like experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting to push through and keeping going…like thrusting/pumping/breathing at and towards the point of ejaculation…as like when I think I am going to cum…just keeping on giving her all I got…as like using my dick as the pleasure stick I create a rhythmic song and dance with as like a sharing with my partner…as we make rhythmic music together in the process as a reflection of our alignment in self-expression together as one and equal as like playing with our sexual organs in perfection unison/harmony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about rhythm and flow of making music together with my partner…as like complimenting each other’s instrument…as like doing the best duet possible as like doing what is the best performance play within every moment as like always picking the best plays and notes as like a sharing/giving/compliment…as like a giving how I would like to receive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I cannot continue having sex after ejaculating as like there's no point, i need a break...I cant keep moving myself, I gotta stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted to really push myself to continue having sex after ejaculation...as like just accepting and allowing that Im done, it's over, I blew it, lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being selfish within sex as like thinking well I've already gotten a relase, sex is done...there's no point to continue because I don't forsee having another release....and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for basing sex and defining sex about and around working towards having an ejaculation release,,,and then it's all done over as like mission accomplished...nothing more to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that sex must end with ejaculation...and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that ejaculation within sex is like a finishing act...like that only maybe a a few minutes or so are possible as like only being able to go for a few more miles after cumming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having created perceptional beliefs about ejaculation and sex as like how I believe sex to be as like what the limmits and restraints are within having sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having placed restraints upon ejaculation within sex...as like believing the end of sex is near after ejaculation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been naieve about sex within placing the emphasis around ejaculation as like making ejaculation to be the main point of sex...and just thinking that it's about having an ejaculation together and than that is it...that is all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not considering the possibility that it is possible to have more than one ejaculation within sex...and that ejaculation doenst have to mark the near completion point of sex as like believing it to be physically impossible to continue having sex for a long time after having an ejaculation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having resisted self movement within sex after ejaculation...as like giving up and desiring to just quit sex because I have had an ejaculation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making a big deal about ejaculation within sex as like making ejaculation out to be the epitome of sex...as like all other moments/movements to be of lesser value than the movements/moments of ejaculation.

When and as I see myself thinking, "OK I'm done, I don't want to have sex anymore because I'm satisfied within having ejaculated already"...I stop and breathe and I realise and understand the awesomeness of sex as physical self expression within and as self movement as a giving and receiving...and I realise that I am capable and able to continue moving myself beyond ejaculation...as I realise I am giving because it is how I like to receive and that the point of sex is to give as you like to receive as like a sharing together and I realise the absurd ridiculousness of treating sex with a partner as like 2 individuals masturbating each other from the perspective of making sex about just having an ejaculation/orgasm and then it's done...like...I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having been selfish within sex as like ultimately giving just because I want to receive an ejaculation at some point...as like just working/giving/putting in time...so that I can get my ejaculation. I realise and understand how I have created a limiting outlook of sex within making it all about ejaculating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realising and understanding that my relationship and perceptions about sex have come from my relationship with myself within and as masturbating as like making masturbation all about having an ejaculation and within this...taking that same approach to sex with a partner...as like just thinking and being focused on both of us having an orgasm...and than that is it, that is all...like scoring a drug high....like just wanting a particular experience...and then OK done...no need to continue as like got my experience.

When and as I see myself going into my mind within sex… as like being focused on a thought and losing physical body awareness of every touch, I stop and breath…and regain physicality here as the touch and movement of myself within and as physicality and I realise and understand this starts with the direction and attention given to breath…as like I breathe in and feel my toes…and flex my toes feet…and proceed upward through my body flexing every muscle along the way as part of my in breath awareness…an then I feel the release in tension as I release each point of muscle flexing tension.

When and as I see myself thinking and focusing my movements within sex as like wanting my partner and I to have orgasm...I stop and breathe...and I realise the absurd ridiculousness of treating sex with my partner as like just scoring a temporary drug high...as like making sex out to be about achieving a specific particular experience...and that it's all about that moment of ejaculation for me...and that it's about partner having an orgasm too...and that once that is accomplished it's like mission accomplished, system shutdown...no more need to continue.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that sex shouldn't be about sometimes just having an ejaculation/orgasm...as like saying to my partner I would like to have a quickie...like I know we don't have a lot of time right now...like we both got stuff to do...But I would like to just fuck like crazy and blow a load

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making the focal point within sex to have always been about partners orgasm and me blowing a load.

I forgive myself for having feared I will blow a load before my partner has orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having existed within the pattern of, just make sure partner has an orgasm...and then I can take care of blowing my load because it's easy for me to just get to a point of blowing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking it to be impossible for me to blow a load/ejaculate and then continue having sex to the point where my partner ejaculates.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking it to be safer in the sense of insuring my partner has an orgasm if just make a point of waiting/holding off on orgasm until she has her orgasm...so as to make sure that I don't lose desire to participate within sex...as like giving up on wanting have sex after I have an orgasm/ejaculation.

I commit myself to explore ejaculation within sex.

I commit myself to realising and understanding that the focal point within me having sex doesn't have to be my ejaculation and that the focal within me having sex is "me having sex"...as like the physical play/dance/movement/expression as the living orgasm.

I commit myself to realising and understanding myself as a living orgasm.

I commit myself to realising and understanding Life as an eternal orgasm...as like not just a sometimes thing but an all the time thing as the physical living reality.

I commit myself to playing with muscle flexing and releasing of tensions…as like how long I flex and release my muscles contractions…as like playing in all sorts of ways as the movements within and my body….as like how I can flex and reflex in various ways as points of and as sexual orgasmic expression from and as the starting point of breath awareness.

I commit myself to letting go of consciousness mind control within sex by allowing myself to move within the moment as like what seems/is best….as like to test and figure out what the best moves/expressions are within the moments as like just responding from moment to moment as the starting point direction within and as responsibility as like realising myself as the ability to respond as what is always best…enabling myself to become the epitome of handling caring for great responsibilities with effortless ease as the passion within compassion as like the compass I carry in and as self-direction as like seeing the obvious common sense within and as the clear way of assistance and support which is always best as the self-realisation as real eyes seeing Life.